Ahhhh....I look forward to the New Year. I say that every year-this one is going to be great and then find at the end of the year I am just thankful to have survived it......
I have to take a detour and head back to Jersey for a bit til May or June before I head back to California. I've made peace with it and that is just the way it is unless something kicks up and moves me there sooner. Oddly I am finding that it is where I need to be for now....there is a strength that only family, true friends and familiarity can offer and my desire to always move forward has made me quite stubborn in embracing HOME. I never liked it there and I always even as I child new I belonged somewhere vastly different. In my travels I have forged many relationships that I cherish because I see the value in those people and the times spent, even as the dynamic of those relationshipschange. It is always as it should be for good or bad, somehow only now have I embraced that ALL of these people that I have held such fierce loyalties too are pebbles...stepping stones in the journey and I would suffer less to remember that.
I was very upset about the possibilites of missing one friends wedding and that I had to step down as Brides Maid to the other friend who decided to have her wedding a week later. PS- they hate each other and it is only now that I fully understand how that happened. Sadly I have this feeling it's really just not worth me attending either. I have a father that's lack of presence in my life shaped me to be cold and distant emotionally-to engage in self preservation at all cost. To build the fucking EGO and Pride from hell. In excepting and embracing who I have become with much hard spiritual work, embracing who I want to be and what it is I desire....embracing him as my father and working toward healing for us both- I suddenly got really fucked by that man and everything I worked so hard for came into question.
That's the thing about faith-it's not faith unless it's challenged. Until that challenge to see what you have learned is issued- it's simply an ideal. We can fully believe we would take a bullet for a loved one until someone produces the loaded gun! I'm hurt and having to rebuild my life from scratch which is what I was doing to begin with, just with stability and ease(so I thought). I have had to swallow all pride that I thought I released and ego...I'm left with humility and thanks for the blessings of seeing very clearly those who's roads will always interlock with mine. I'm thankful for being able to be there in body and mind for them as they struggle with issues that I have been through and most people don't understand or care enough to walk through with them. It's my way of saying i love you more then I could ever express. I have another friend I love dearly, that has been with me on this fucked up detour....I fear for her that she doesn't learn. That it's great till the smoking gun is presented .......Some people learn from the school of hard knocks. I already knew this- but I suffer from stubborness as well at times. I am relieved to be free to follow my own path without haviing to battle with my own issues of fulfilling loyalty all the while knowing, I cannot have anyone ride my coat tail, as well as, knowing that I can only tolerate anyone constantly trying to force their thoughts, desires etc on me, eventually I will haul ass. I enjoy my independence and anything or anyone that stiffles or tries to impede on it ...I just can't- I try and I have tried in my lifetime. It's like death and it is miserable and I will not put myself there....I have hurt alot of people because I had to escape, to be me. It hurts- but hurts fade with time. Fucked up and selfish? Maybe- but that is me!
Perhaps this situation was my inadvertant manifestation. As for my father - I can't hold hate and anger despite my hurt. It's not healthy for me and I will not do it. I am also not an idiot- he will never have the opportunity I gave him again and I realize now- hevery well may be not a good person and this is why my grandparents were always a strong part of my life and he was not. It was his choice then and it is now (things are always as they should be). This time though I hurt mostly because I can see my grandparents seeing all of this. Also because money is involved and lastly because I have no closure on my grandmothers death. Everything lies with him and it's all so convaluded I barely trust what I THOUGHT I knew and so I give it to god and hope that everyone leaves me alone about legal action and demanding this and that....Not interested and that is not ego atleast I don't think....that is my love for my grandparents. i wouldn't dishonor them in that manner...them or me! I would be happy at this point to know she has her headstone so I can have closure the rest I give to god and move on.
I'm proud to say i'm ok with that- and I look forward to getting back to LA, having not just a job but a career that is equally fulfilling and challenging, as well as, obviously lucrative. I look forward to yoga on the beach and just being able to sit and take it all in, having my vegan, vegetarian and raw food every where, seeing celebrities as people like seeing Morris Chestnut crossing 7th and Broad in Santa Monica with a lady friend?? On a Sunday morning when I was leaving yoga....Oh and the farmers market, the beauty of the mountains and the vastness that is Southern california I look forward to exploring new places and meeting more interesting people, having exciting and intrigueing experiences and playing hard, getting back to tribal belly dance lessons and taking up fencing lessons( I have ALWAYS wanted to fence). I look forward to the freedom and holeness that I feel in Santa Monica- Oh course one of the more expensive areas would be what brings me such utter peace and joy. C'est la vie- it is where I feel home -for now I will embrace and live in each moment, try and continue NO continue my yoga and Qi gong practice on my own and avoid going back to harmful eating habits. i may have to live off boca burgers for the next 6 months, but it's important i stay with what I've learned for my own happiness!
Yes I look forward to 2010 and a certain man that intrigues me more then anything ever has in this lifetime. It's been 2 years since our first communication and despite our different perceptions on HOW this all came about or who initiated (he did) it. This journey with him as with my life has been hurtful, angering, prideful and egocentric and lessons have been taught and learned to move us to understanding and loving and sex that is beyond any word for incredible listed in the english language or any other for that matter! We are only at the beginning of our complex journey together at that point of knowing we are one of the few that interlock, our journey will take us where we are meant to be in lfe and all we can do is embrace who we are and be true to ourselves. All we can do is buckle up for the ride and move in trust and faith with one another. He has surprisingly turned out to be one of the bullets I would take. You see -there are some people you cannot NOT have in your life. You go through fights and separtions and all kinds of bullshit, equally you enjoy great times together or you would have never achieved the desire to go through the bad. My mother always told me you will be able to count TRUE friends on one hand! I thought she was full of shit -I had alot of friends and I have been blessed that way. But- three bullets I would take.......and I know I have walked away from people for far less then the shit I've gone through with these three, in their own unique and very different ways they help fulfill me I guess.....actually I don't know why them or why me for them. I just KNOW it is what it is.....and I wouldn't have it any other way!!!
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Happy Holidays to Everyone!
I have to take a detour and head back to Jersey for a bit til May or June before I head back to California. I've made peace with it and that is just the way it is unless something kicks up and moves me there sooner. Oddly I am finding that it is where I need to be for now....there is a strength that only family, true friends and familiarity can offer and my desire to always move forward has made me quite stubborn in embracing HOME. I never liked it there and I always even as I child new I belonged somewhere vastly different. In my travels I have forged many relationships that I cherish because I see the value in those people and the times spent, even as the dynamic of those relationshipschange. It is always as it should be for good or bad, somehow only now have I embraced that ALL of these people that I have held such fierce loyalties too are pebbles...stepping stones in the journey and I would suffer less to remember that.
I was very upset about the possibilites of missing one friends wedding and that I had to step down as Brides Maid to the other friend who decided to have her wedding a week later. PS- they hate each other and it is only now that I fully understand how that happened. Sadly I have this feeling it's really just not worth me attending either. I have a father that's lack of presence in my life shaped me to be cold and distant emotionally-to engage in self preservation at all cost. To build the fucking EGO and Pride from hell. In excepting and embracing who I have become with much hard spiritual work, embracing who I want to be and what it is I desire....embracing him as my father and working toward healing for us both- I suddenly got really fucked by that man and everything I worked so hard for came into question.
That's the thing about faith-it's not faith unless it's challenged. Until that challenge to see what you have learned is issued- it's simply an ideal. We can fully believe we would take a bullet for a loved one until someone produces the loaded gun! I'm hurt and having to rebuild my life from scratch which is what I was doing to begin with, just with stability and ease(so I thought). I have had to swallow all pride that I thought I released and ego...I'm left with humility and thanks for the blessings of seeing very clearly those who's roads will always interlock with mine. I'm thankful for being able to be there in body and mind for them as they struggle with issues that I have been through and most people don't understand or care enough to walk through with them. It's my way of saying i love you more then I could ever express. I have another friend I love dearly, that has been with me on this fucked up detour....I fear for her that she doesn't learn. That it's great till the smoking gun is presented .......Some people learn from the school of hard knocks. I already knew this- but I suffer from stubborness as well at times. I am relieved to be free to follow my own path without haviing to battle with my own issues of fulfilling loyalty all the while knowing, I cannot have anyone ride my coat tail, as well as, knowing that I can only tolerate anyone constantly trying to force their thoughts, desires etc on me, eventually I will haul ass. I enjoy my independence and anything or anyone that stiffles or tries to impede on it ...I just can't- I try and I have tried in my lifetime. It's like death and it is miserable and I will not put myself there....I have hurt alot of people because I had to escape, to be me. It hurts- but hurts fade with time. Fucked up and selfish? Maybe- but that is me!
Perhaps this situation was my inadvertant manifestation. As for my father - I can't hold hate and anger despite my hurt. It's not healthy for me and I will not do it. I am also not an idiot- he will never have the opportunity I gave him again and I realize now- hevery well may be not a good person and this is why my grandparents were always a strong part of my life and he was not. It was his choice then and it is now (things are always as they should be). This time though I hurt mostly because I can see my grandparents seeing all of this. Also because money is involved and lastly because I have no closure on my grandmothers death. Everything lies with him and it's all so convaluded I barely trust what I THOUGHT I knew and so I give it to god and hope that everyone leaves me alone about legal action and demanding this and that....Not interested and that is not ego atleast I don't think....that is my love for my grandparents. i wouldn't dishonor them in that manner...them or me! I would be happy at this point to know she has her headstone so I can have closure the rest I give to god and move on.
I'm proud to say i'm ok with that- and I look forward to getting back to LA, having not just a job but a career that is equally fulfilling and challenging, as well as, obviously lucrative. I look forward to yoga on the beach and just being able to sit and take it all in, having my vegan, vegetarian and raw food every where, seeing celebrities as people like seeing Morris Chestnut crossing 7th and Broad in Santa Monica with a lady friend?? On a Sunday morning when I was leaving yoga....Oh and the farmers market, the beauty of the mountains and the vastness that is Southern california I look forward to exploring new places and meeting more interesting people, having exciting and intrigueing experiences and playing hard, getting back to tribal belly dance lessons and taking up fencing lessons( I have ALWAYS wanted to fence). I look forward to the freedom and holeness that I feel in Santa Monica- Oh course one of the more expensive areas would be what brings me such utter peace and joy. C'est la vie- it is where I feel home -for now I will embrace and live in each moment, try and continue NO continue my yoga and Qi gong practice on my own and avoid going back to harmful eating habits. i may have to live off boca burgers for the next 6 months, but it's important i stay with what I've learned for my own happiness!
Yes I look forward to 2010 and a certain man that intrigues me more then anything ever has in this lifetime. It's been 2 years since our first communication and despite our different perceptions on HOW this all came about or who initiated (he did) it. This journey with him as with my life has been hurtful, angering, prideful and egocentric and lessons have been taught and learned to move us to understanding and loving and sex that is beyond any word for incredible listed in the english language or any other for that matter! We are only at the beginning of our complex journey together at that point of knowing we are one of the few that interlock, our journey will take us where we are meant to be in lfe and all we can do is embrace who we are and be true to ourselves. All we can do is buckle up for the ride and move in trust and faith with one another. He has surprisingly turned out to be one of the bullets I would take. You see -there are some people you cannot NOT have in your life. You go through fights and separtions and all kinds of bullshit, equally you enjoy great times together or you would have never achieved the desire to go through the bad. My mother always told me you will be able to count TRUE friends on one hand! I thought she was full of shit -I had alot of friends and I have been blessed that way. But- three bullets I would take.......and I know I have walked away from people for far less then the shit I've gone through with these three, in their own unique and very different ways they help fulfill me I guess.....actually I don't know why them or why me for them. I just KNOW it is what it is.....and I wouldn't have it any other way!!!
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Happy Holidays to Everyone!
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Anyhow, my family is coming out for Xmas. They arrive Thursday - if the weather cooperates - and we're probably taking my mom to midnight mass (she's Catholic, but the rest of us... not so much), then chilling out around town until Monday.
My dad went through a job change this year (I think I discussed this with you many months ago... he was laid off from his employer of 34 years in late-January, handled it far better than I feared he might, and ended up getting a decent position by August).
My sister (roughly two years older than me, only sibling) is also visiting and staying for a full week... she's separated as of this year and is just beginning to date again, but I think she didn't really want to be spending the holidays with anyone else quite yet. Her ex went to high school with us in the small town my parents still live in, so that's a big reason everyone was cool with coming to Chicago this year.
So it'll be nice to have them around, as long as they don't get to be too high-maintenance. My parents are getting a hotel and my sister might crash with them until they leave town, then she's taking my spare bedroom, so it shouldn't be too bad.
How are you spending the next couple weeks?