Train wreck- You know you shouldn't but you do ...walk on those tracks, Acela trains frequent. You know if you hear it coming, it's too late. You hear it and turn .....then darkness befalls you.
I often check on my friend Casey he doesn't know that-the wonders of social media. He is after all so dear to my heart- we traveled a long road before I understood the obvious, he reminded me of the one I loved and lost, my Joe. If Joe were all that I saw him to be and more like me, he would be Casey. I often in the past struggled to deny the similarities.
My Joe ...(sighs) tortured the few close to him almost half as much as his demons tortured him. I thought to love meant to endure and in the end it would be worth the hurt and sacrifice. Love need not be so cruel. I keep that with me at all times. What a painful lesson to learn, but I am thankful for having learned it.
The hurt I inflicted when I left was almost too unbearable for both of us. He couldn't understand that the pain, the lonliness I felt would kill me if I stayed. Too many times I hurt so bad that I just wanted to sleep a long sleep and watch as he would have to suffer through the loss. All so he would understand ...but that's silly, his torments far out weighed mine and I didn't fully understand until last year, standing there in the funeral home, looking at his body in that stupid casket. Trying to wear the brave face for his mother. after all I'd been gone nearly 3 years. I had no right to break down-maybe if I stayed she wouldn't have to bury her son. It's the guilt I should not carry but do. There in Philly which I never embraced as home all the 5 years we lived together there-I created enemies in my head. My only thought was to protect him . I shut out the people I loved because i could not bear for them to think ill of him and it was easier to concentrate my efforts on him without constantly justifying.I'll never forget getting him to a CA meeting and tallking with a guy that would become his sponsor. One moment of success, we were on the right path. All would be worth it., that night I urged him to go out with his sponsor-"t will be good for you". I needed a few hours of peace.....his sponsor took him to score. This guy was clean nearly 15 years and within days of meeting ...... i was mortified. Rehabs, meetings a suicide attempt....bipolar and diabetic(insulin dependency ended his boxing career). It was too much for anyone-but I was stubborn and made a commitment thinking love cures all. How stupid and juvenile of me.....
His love for me was stronger then I could ever speak to.There at his funeral all the perceived enemies gathered around me and spoke to how much he never stopped,his mom even looked at me and said "Joe loved you with everything he had and I am sorry my son was such a bastard to you". despite marrying a friend of his-(he could not stand to be alone) His mother to this day cautions me about not feeding the guilt. I caution her the same-that's the nightmare of loving an addict We were best as friends and I often wish we would have met that way and stayed that way....
Case and I started as business associates, became friends and other...never a definition- I would not submit to defining- i knew somehow something was too familiar and he would not be so quick to allow anyone that could hurt him close. In business we were good, he was great with my account and Iwe became intrigued. Several days After I was laid off ( i called him immediately, the only vendor I reached out to) by then we were fast becoming friends on a deeper level. several days later he called. Girlfriend in his bed, he snuck outside to tell me he was interested, hung up, text me, then called again from the bathroom. It was mothers day weekend-5am california time...I was shocked and intrigued. he then called from his bathroom where he again almost got caught. I'd flown my mom and brother in and we stayed at the Grand Bohemian-we were in the jacuzzi and after hearing his girlfriend checking on him- I told him to get off the phone and I shut mine down. Failed to realize he tried to reach me a half dozen times within hours of that.LOL I was impressed-I should not have been. She eventually would find a text from me replying to him on his phone. They are no longer together and although I feel very bad about my part in that -whether he will admit it or not, he wanted out of the relationship. he loved her I believe that with all my heart, but he was not fulfilled and that I know for a fact.
We started out as pure carnal lust and somewhere it would come to be, that he couldn't be as he wanted with me. He is a gentleman and has a lot of respect for me, as i do him.....his feelings would only allow him to soft gentle touches-where his mind wanted to be lost in passion. We spoke once about this and it leads me to this point:
I lived loving someone who saw a mother in their lover-so I was unfullfilled as to nurture is my nature, but to be loved and to love with all the passion life can afford is my truest longing. sometimes I want to be made love to and other times I want the man that will grab me playfully by the throat-not to hurt, but to let me know he is stronger, look me in the eyes while shoving me up against a wall(knowing I will challenge him still) and make love to me while fucking the shit out of me, because I have incensed his passions so intensly he must have me and let me know I am his all the while letting me know -he is equally all mine. My temperment varies like the wind. My loyalities never wane once given wholeheartedly.
Two men have ever held my heart- My grandfather and my Joe. Within a year I had to bury one- and walk away from the other. Oddly it was the images of my grandfather looking down at me- seeing my pain that led to the decision. In death he could see all and I was ashamed that the love he always taught me to embrace was so tainted and wrong. and My Joe I loved him then despite all, and love still even in death.
I wrote myself a letter with all the qualities I want in my lover/relationship. I wrote it about 6 months before Case and I first were aquainted. It was unbiased with no one in mind. Just my hearts desire. I still look at it...it's how I knew I had to leave him be. Case has so many of the qualities I want and others I grew to find were contrived. He's intelligent, it wasn't very difficult for him to figure out my life's passions and motivations and to then cater to them. But I too am intelligent and perceptive and on many occasions saw through the facade.
Mostly the man I want will be stronger then me. Someone that makes me feel safe and loved, that can except and give love freely being fearless in nature except for the few vulnerabilities shared between us-the ones no one else would ever perceive let alone use against him. he knows what he wants and when we meet, all the barriers that I so eagerly build to shield myself from potential preditors- they will not exist between us. That is a scenario very scary for me, but the one I long for. With Casey-those are the very qualities that go against his nature, so as more... I had to make the conscious decision not to repeat an old pattern of being like mother to a lover, but I never thought I would lose the friend in him. The one who knows me ...the one I grew to trust. So I looked and saw the pic and although I realize this was done likely as a Fuck you to me.....he will eat this little girl alive-still...he and I alike in so many fucked up ways, it spoke that I was never close to him and here this little girl is.?...but I am older and wiser and know he's not capable of giving himself to anything that easy. Neither am I. So as I beat my body up today and the rain started down-the wind felt so calming like someone wrapped their arms around me and said hold tight. The drops mixing with my tears of loneliness and uncertainty-partially wanting to step backward and say OK...this is probably not a bad thing, knowing it's not the BEST thing for me-him and I. I'd be walking a path I've already walked only this time it would be the fucking Ed Hardy version. I recalled just when I was at the lowest point...that profile pic he put up soon after my last message to him...the one that was the truth-but I knew would hurt him....he commented once that he and Joe looked alike and then said "well no ,but he was a good looking guy". That pic of him in the suit having shaved that long beautiful hair of his -at first glance I lost my breath- It looked exactly like my Joe. So I have to move forward, not back the truth hurts sometimes...and I still miss the friend I found in him....it's for the best I suppose....
And with that thought I dried my eyes- thankful it rained so the grass and trees could be nourished....and I remembered I am not easy, but somewhere is the right man for me. So I will wait and continue about my life and try and fill the voids of lonliness best I can and have faith that this long road I've been on will bring me to greater joy and happiness then even my imagination could dream.
i look forward to that day- as nearly a year of this soul finding mission the universe has put me on, has grown tiring. But I do trust in the process eventhough budgets make me fucking BITTER
I'm still Alive...and I am very blessed and thankful!
Time to go dance~
I often check on my friend Casey he doesn't know that-the wonders of social media. He is after all so dear to my heart- we traveled a long road before I understood the obvious, he reminded me of the one I loved and lost, my Joe. If Joe were all that I saw him to be and more like me, he would be Casey. I often in the past struggled to deny the similarities.
My Joe ...(sighs) tortured the few close to him almost half as much as his demons tortured him. I thought to love meant to endure and in the end it would be worth the hurt and sacrifice. Love need not be so cruel. I keep that with me at all times. What a painful lesson to learn, but I am thankful for having learned it.
The hurt I inflicted when I left was almost too unbearable for both of us. He couldn't understand that the pain, the lonliness I felt would kill me if I stayed. Too many times I hurt so bad that I just wanted to sleep a long sleep and watch as he would have to suffer through the loss. All so he would understand ...but that's silly, his torments far out weighed mine and I didn't fully understand until last year, standing there in the funeral home, looking at his body in that stupid casket. Trying to wear the brave face for his mother. after all I'd been gone nearly 3 years. I had no right to break down-maybe if I stayed she wouldn't have to bury her son. It's the guilt I should not carry but do. There in Philly which I never embraced as home all the 5 years we lived together there-I created enemies in my head. My only thought was to protect him . I shut out the people I loved because i could not bear for them to think ill of him and it was easier to concentrate my efforts on him without constantly justifying.I'll never forget getting him to a CA meeting and tallking with a guy that would become his sponsor. One moment of success, we were on the right path. All would be worth it., that night I urged him to go out with his sponsor-"t will be good for you". I needed a few hours of peace.....his sponsor took him to score. This guy was clean nearly 15 years and within days of meeting ...... i was mortified. Rehabs, meetings a suicide attempt....bipolar and diabetic(insulin dependency ended his boxing career). It was too much for anyone-but I was stubborn and made a commitment thinking love cures all. How stupid and juvenile of me.....
His love for me was stronger then I could ever speak to.There at his funeral all the perceived enemies gathered around me and spoke to how much he never stopped,his mom even looked at me and said "Joe loved you with everything he had and I am sorry my son was such a bastard to you". despite marrying a friend of his-(he could not stand to be alone) His mother to this day cautions me about not feeding the guilt. I caution her the same-that's the nightmare of loving an addict We were best as friends and I often wish we would have met that way and stayed that way....
Case and I started as business associates, became friends and other...never a definition- I would not submit to defining- i knew somehow something was too familiar and he would not be so quick to allow anyone that could hurt him close. In business we were good, he was great with my account and Iwe became intrigued. Several days After I was laid off ( i called him immediately, the only vendor I reached out to) by then we were fast becoming friends on a deeper level. several days later he called. Girlfriend in his bed, he snuck outside to tell me he was interested, hung up, text me, then called again from the bathroom. It was mothers day weekend-5am california time...I was shocked and intrigued. he then called from his bathroom where he again almost got caught. I'd flown my mom and brother in and we stayed at the Grand Bohemian-we were in the jacuzzi and after hearing his girlfriend checking on him- I told him to get off the phone and I shut mine down. Failed to realize he tried to reach me a half dozen times within hours of that.LOL I was impressed-I should not have been. She eventually would find a text from me replying to him on his phone. They are no longer together and although I feel very bad about my part in that -whether he will admit it or not, he wanted out of the relationship. he loved her I believe that with all my heart, but he was not fulfilled and that I know for a fact.
We started out as pure carnal lust and somewhere it would come to be, that he couldn't be as he wanted with me. He is a gentleman and has a lot of respect for me, as i do him.....his feelings would only allow him to soft gentle touches-where his mind wanted to be lost in passion. We spoke once about this and it leads me to this point:
I lived loving someone who saw a mother in their lover-so I was unfullfilled as to nurture is my nature, but to be loved and to love with all the passion life can afford is my truest longing. sometimes I want to be made love to and other times I want the man that will grab me playfully by the throat-not to hurt, but to let me know he is stronger, look me in the eyes while shoving me up against a wall(knowing I will challenge him still) and make love to me while fucking the shit out of me, because I have incensed his passions so intensly he must have me and let me know I am his all the while letting me know -he is equally all mine. My temperment varies like the wind. My loyalities never wane once given wholeheartedly.
Two men have ever held my heart- My grandfather and my Joe. Within a year I had to bury one- and walk away from the other. Oddly it was the images of my grandfather looking down at me- seeing my pain that led to the decision. In death he could see all and I was ashamed that the love he always taught me to embrace was so tainted and wrong. and My Joe I loved him then despite all, and love still even in death.
I wrote myself a letter with all the qualities I want in my lover/relationship. I wrote it about 6 months before Case and I first were aquainted. It was unbiased with no one in mind. Just my hearts desire. I still look at it...it's how I knew I had to leave him be. Case has so many of the qualities I want and others I grew to find were contrived. He's intelligent, it wasn't very difficult for him to figure out my life's passions and motivations and to then cater to them. But I too am intelligent and perceptive and on many occasions saw through the facade.
Mostly the man I want will be stronger then me. Someone that makes me feel safe and loved, that can except and give love freely being fearless in nature except for the few vulnerabilities shared between us-the ones no one else would ever perceive let alone use against him. he knows what he wants and when we meet, all the barriers that I so eagerly build to shield myself from potential preditors- they will not exist between us. That is a scenario very scary for me, but the one I long for. With Casey-those are the very qualities that go against his nature, so as more... I had to make the conscious decision not to repeat an old pattern of being like mother to a lover, but I never thought I would lose the friend in him. The one who knows me ...the one I grew to trust. So I looked and saw the pic and although I realize this was done likely as a Fuck you to me.....he will eat this little girl alive-still...he and I alike in so many fucked up ways, it spoke that I was never close to him and here this little girl is.?...but I am older and wiser and know he's not capable of giving himself to anything that easy. Neither am I. So as I beat my body up today and the rain started down-the wind felt so calming like someone wrapped their arms around me and said hold tight. The drops mixing with my tears of loneliness and uncertainty-partially wanting to step backward and say OK...this is probably not a bad thing, knowing it's not the BEST thing for me-him and I. I'd be walking a path I've already walked only this time it would be the fucking Ed Hardy version. I recalled just when I was at the lowest point...that profile pic he put up soon after my last message to him...the one that was the truth-but I knew would hurt him....he commented once that he and Joe looked alike and then said "well no ,but he was a good looking guy". That pic of him in the suit having shaved that long beautiful hair of his -at first glance I lost my breath- It looked exactly like my Joe. So I have to move forward, not back the truth hurts sometimes...and I still miss the friend I found in him....it's for the best I suppose....
And with that thought I dried my eyes- thankful it rained so the grass and trees could be nourished....and I remembered I am not easy, but somewhere is the right man for me. So I will wait and continue about my life and try and fill the voids of lonliness best I can and have faith that this long road I've been on will bring me to greater joy and happiness then even my imagination could dream.
i look forward to that day- as nearly a year of this soul finding mission the universe has put me on, has grown tiring. But I do trust in the process eventhough budgets make me fucking BITTER
I'm still Alive...and I am very blessed and thankful!
Time to go dance~