evangelin

Doors ....they are being closed. I stood on Monday and tried to open one, not really, death kinda makes things permenant so I suppose I stood and felt guilty and wondered if I would've stayed-would my ex's mother be mourning her son?! Guilt is a fucker-but I did what I had to do. 3/11 was a year since he passed at 34 years old. My worst nightmare and now on Monday instead of being of some comfort to his mother I was on the phone falling apart, tears just came and I couldn't even form a complete thought other then I would fucking Kick his teeth in for being such a stupid, selfish, frightened Asshole. We all have fears, suck it the fuck up and get on with it! Instead -his mother cries at 4pm on Tuesdays and holidays, his birthday and 3/11 will always suck. I decided not to even call his sisters or speak with his brothers. I have nothing for inspiration as far as that is concerned to offer them....and I'm done dwelling on it. he's at peace -Door Closed, just as it was when I left!
Oddly tuesday I went to Dandelion to have some tea and veg out, literally! I'm glad I went as I got into this conversation with this guy. Actually I was reading my book trying to eat my wrap and hummus and he started talking to me. My initial thought was-are you freaking serious? I'm reading a book and eating and you think now is a good time to go into who you are and the story of you. Plus the guys in the kitchen were extremly loud and the conversations were not at all appropriate for guests to overhear. Oh and Where in the hell is a manager in that joint cause, if there was one, perhaps they would have remedied that! Anywho- Richard Miller the writer and I had a very curious and 4 hour long conversation. He told me about GG Allin and then just now Liu writes a blog and references him along with a video creepy! Felt better Tuesday.
Wednesday I decided to stick to what I decided weeks ago and that was to not call Casey and I know he won't reach out to me. He is so dear to me, but he has a journey that he needs to go on alone. He knows that and part of the problem is the struggle between what you know you need and what you want. He can't do that with the preoccupation of me and what it is we're doing. Apparently just allowing ourselves to be ourselves with one another and not having definitions(progressive) but ....it causes shitty actions. When I told him the reality of him, I knew we wouldn't be speaking for awhile. It was true and not meant to hurt him-but I hurt, so I couldn't much worry about how he would feel. I knew he would see the honesty and truth in it and won't talk to me until he can say that's not true of him any longer. That means he has a journey and I have my own road-things I desire, decisions and choices that need to be mine entirely without consideration of another. he is a wonderful guy and I dear friend ...and I miss him, I miss knowing he is the one person that understands ....we understand each other on a deeper level. I miss being there to inspire him when he's unsure. I miss dreams and musings...but when you love something you let it go, if it comes back ..... and if it doesn't -What the hell does it matter anyway??? Suck it up and move on.....
Then Thursday my Grandmothers sister died, actually that's when I found out. She actually died On Tuesday. I'd hoped that she would hold out till summer, that I could spend alittle time with her and.....that door is closed. She made peace with it finally and no more pain. My family came to focus....the elders are tired. I want them all to know from me, how much I love them...and so on....so i'm dealing with what I know is imminent!
Doors close and some reopen-others are locked forever.....such is life, it's how we grow and move into our highest selves or maybe that's just my highest ideal~



Life is short and beautiful ....Live it like it's your last!