evangelin

I just wanted to get away and shed myself-that outer part that everyone sees. Let it lie in rest safely, while the me that know one see's or knows plays...without worry or care.Just innocent and Free. I thought I could be that way, on a plane to LA today ...and I could finally just breathe and still be safe and come back to this reality new and whole and he fucked it up. I feel invisible like all the people I love and care for and not one of them can just fucking let me be the way I need to, they can't handle it. I was so close ......and I thought he would understand that need in me...but he doesn't, he thinks it's about him. No I take it back-I don't know what the hell he thinks ever. I know I had faith in him if nothing else, his word-and once again he failed me why bother. Maybe st croix w/Jacqueline....I don't feel safe doing that, but I know my girl will provoke me to let go...she always has. NY-Joey should be home now but with Jen there is know way ....too much worry and angst to much I'd have to be aware of. I feel physically the safest and the rest of me is never more guarded. I am coming apart and can't even think straight right now....I just need somewhere to go.....