evangelin

Roomates are pregnant and getting married, likely in a few weeks. Preggers and ring I knew about. Cruise during thanksgiving week, no really not on my radar. I hope that nowhere in this lack of thought did anyone imagine me being on the Titanic. There is nothing in me that wants to commit to that. I want to be the fuck out of Florida and knee deep in my own excitement and adventures. Thaksgiving I commited to going home to be w/ my family. It let's me off the hook for the following 6 months including Christmas. Mary tried to pin me down for New Years Eve- we should all do camping for.........SORRY You must have lost your fucking mind!!!! I'm not doing that and I don't know how many more times I have to say -I AM leaving, and no one wants to hear that from me. Erin is engaged and getting married May 23...Should have been such a happy conversation and it was like I killed her dog. That's why i've been avoiding her since I got back from L.A. then she tried to pin me for Christmas. ....I don't know where I want to be, but I want to be somewhere deliciously happy, same for New Years- i want to be somewhere I can take a moment and realize all that I have worked for and just marvel for a moment.

K and Jamie signed for the house Friday and were in it fully, Saturday. Jorge is pissed because everything is changing so quick and he doesn't like it. Mary has stopped fucking dreaming, I have put my foot up her ass, she had a golden ticket to what she wanted and she just won't. Stupid excuse after another. Someone has the opportunity to get your work in front of Donatella Versace and make the introduction because he's leaving....THE FUCK????? she could be styling Donatella and instead is going to Disney tomorrow to see what they have part time because they will need more staff for parades? Donatella> Goofy? maybe it's just me. I can't push her anymore. It's enough fighting my own insecurities and pushing myself right now while shielding myself from all the shit going on around me.

I get that my leaving is hurtful to people, they need to get that watching everyone's dreams come true is unacceptable for me. I love them and I want them to be happy and I want to celebrate there triumphs, but not at the expense of my own happiness. I've spent most of my life giving far too much of myself because i didn't want to disappoint. I won't do that again, give myself away. I deserve happiness on my terms and I don't care how selfish that is, I am taking it and alot of people very well may get hurt.It hurts me more to know that and to be the cause. But we will all just have to get over it.. It's time for me......