evangelin

I have had all of these visions of my past-lovers, family, friends just beating the hell out of me for over a week. I have barely eaten and Peanut butter seems the only thing I can actually handle without wanting to be sick, I am making myself miserable with the tortures of hurts that I have inflicted. Then there are the worst demons and that's the guilt of things I know in logic I couldn't be responsible for. But i torture myself anyway....

Joe -well obviously I don't know that I will fully ever just let him die. Atleast I realized today that I took on the responsibility of saving his life. That's not love that is selfish. But I was going to show him life was beautiful and worth living and at some point failed, ran so far, so fast and I still feel -like I was the reason a mother buried her son,sisters and brothers lost there brother and nieces and nephews would only have pictures and stories. Stephanie many years prior- I can see her walking away from the car, coming to spend time with her friends...I on many occasions would force feed her in the breakroom. she had become so frail. I jumped down one of the servers throats one nite, when she remarked to everyone that stephanie needed to get a grip. They were neighbors and i suppose she would wander over and talk endlessly about things that made little sense. I knew from conversations with her that she needed help-professional help. I said a loud too many times that if her family doesn't get it for her soon - she is going to kill herself. i didn't see her that day she parked her car at Showboat to come and see us at the cafe. Her family had gotten her on meds and got her a therapist, it was too little too late and she was so young and so beautiful. far to beautiful to end up on pavement.

I didn't go to the funeral and I laughed when I was told what happened. Casinos do not like to talk about jumpers and i was working two jobs so I slept two hours in the morning and two hours at night. i didn't see the news and had no warning as the GM called for the entire host staff to meet. I laughed, I went back to work, and slowly I became angrier and angrier and thank god Ken could see it, because I don't thnk anyone else saw what was happening. He took me off the floor on the boardwalk and we walked and talked and I don't know that anything actually came out of my mouth, other than I knew and I should have stopped it. So my anger was at me, I wasn't there....I failed to be a friend.

Secret tortures, silent killers that we inflict on ourselves. Perhaps the devils way of making sure we are too weak to take happiness and love and embrace it. Cripple us with fears and pains and regrets that are not truly ours to hold so that ultimately we destroy all that is good in our lives.

I know to well that it doesn't have to be this way and I don't know how I stepped so far backwards after all of the work that i've done. I have made amazing strides and now i feel like I am in this place because I have to make a final change. I have to let go of thoughts that don't serve me. Let go of ghosts that rest peacefully, let go of being too weak to fight and to strong to fall. I finally see everything that I want right in front of me and it's so close....it's killing me that it's right there and I can't touch it, any of it...if I don't make the right decisions now -they will all disappear, all of my dreams and hopes that somewhere I stopped dreaming because I felt not worthy of that kind of success, happiness and love ...for all the people I have hurt I felt especially that love true love just would not be mine in this life. My punishment for being an arrogant bitter cunt and for being to self absorbed to be there for the people that I loved so much, but felt like I just couldn't be enough for.

And no one understands, because i don't trust anyone to say this, it's fucking insane....I smile and chat with the roomates. I promise to return calls to people I care about but don't have the strength to be there for, I avoid most soial invitations opting for the ones with my closest friends as they bring my comfort, but not enough for me to say I'm not ok anymore, I have to go. They know my plans for L.A. and I know which ones would do anythng to prevent that from happening if they could. My mom is top of the list, second is the roomies with Mar bear running third and I love them for loving me so and just wanting me near and they become cycled with my little tortures of people that want from me what I can't give them. All the while wondering if the one I want thinks that way of me, the person he may care for but runs from because he cant give more. I don't ever want to be that burden to anyone. Sometimes I think I just shut down at the thought of someone hurting me, because I don't trust they can torture me enough.

Pardon whats that???? Oh No thanks I'll pass on the hurt-thank you for thinking of me though...No really I am all good, I've kicked my own ass all over the United States and Canada. At lunch I inflicted cruelty beyond your conception -on me, and as a snack I sat in fetal feeling completely weak and incompetant waiting for someone to realize I have no business trying to be a grown, decision making, successful career woman. Perhaps I should join the presidential race-i am just as fraudulent. OH what's that you say- your not positive that I can inflict more pain on me than you can. hmmmmmm........ How bout you let me in your head for a few days, probably hours as your not that complex and I will deliver you the truth in a manner that will leave you looking for a therapist, while praying never to cross my path again-if you annoy me enough perhaps I can tweak you into fetal and make you forget your name. That's my gift -destroy myself over my lack of what I am for others, while hurting people I love without even trying all the while being hidden within smoke and mirrors. Bearded lady doesn't have shit on me!