As I lay on the couch reading Beautiful Boy, I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to meditate. Like something was really telling me I had to do it right that moment, so i did. I suppose my mind has been trying to heal itself from these nasty demons that try and sneak up on me.
All the sudden I saw my grandmom sitting with my grandpop, she is leaving the hospice and says goodnight. He looks at her and says:You look tired. She replies: So do you. He says: I am. She says: Then it's time for you to rest Charles. She kisses him on the forehead and stays a few minutes longer......
Steph is usually a clear indicator of my weirdness. She gets this blank look on her face and will have disturbing bouts of diarreah of the mouth. It makes me near violent because I just want peace. I believe she either thinks I'm mad at her or is aware that somethng is going on with me and becomes perplexed by my not sharing. We've done this dance for two years. We have certainly come to know each other very well. I wish she and Tim and the baby were here. At the same time I am thankful for the peace to just be with my thoughts.
Labor Day weekend again.....
I wish I could hear his stories and we could sit on the porch and just talk, he always talked to me, even as a child ........I wish I could have done the same when he needed me to, instead of willing it not to be happening because I couldn't deal with it. And mostly I'm wishing this weekend to be over with or these thoughts to go away. I miss him dearly. I am glad that atleast this year my mind stays on those final moments. I guess I realize that they both knew those words, moments were the last. It's like they gave each other permission to let go. Meanwhile ...no.I just really miss him is all.
All the sudden I saw my grandmom sitting with my grandpop, she is leaving the hospice and says goodnight. He looks at her and says:You look tired. She replies: So do you. He says: I am. She says: Then it's time for you to rest Charles. She kisses him on the forehead and stays a few minutes longer......
Steph is usually a clear indicator of my weirdness. She gets this blank look on her face and will have disturbing bouts of diarreah of the mouth. It makes me near violent because I just want peace. I believe she either thinks I'm mad at her or is aware that somethng is going on with me and becomes perplexed by my not sharing. We've done this dance for two years. We have certainly come to know each other very well. I wish she and Tim and the baby were here. At the same time I am thankful for the peace to just be with my thoughts.
Labor Day weekend again.....
I wish I could hear his stories and we could sit on the porch and just talk, he always talked to me, even as a child ........I wish I could have done the same when he needed me to, instead of willing it not to be happening because I couldn't deal with it. And mostly I'm wishing this weekend to be over with or these thoughts to go away. I miss him dearly. I am glad that atleast this year my mind stays on those final moments. I guess I realize that they both knew those words, moments were the last. It's like they gave each other permission to let go. Meanwhile ...no.I just really miss him is all.
martinmc:
Im sorry Eva. Remember the past can be painful but full filling at the same time. It is hard when you cant remember a time with out the person but it is equally hard when you cant remember being with the person.