I’ve been really mia lately… have been postponing writing this journal but I realise it is now time to confess and share with you how my last few months went… this might not make senses and ramble a lot.
Last year, around the time my first set Interlude got out, I began to feel really sick, been taking out of school by docs 3 weeks in all. I was experiencing numbness in my tongue, crazy dizziness, a hard time controlling my own legs and even half fainted while driving. And now that I can see clear,I was clearly having a mild depression, being one of the oldest in my school program, with almost only girls was hard on me, always being rejected got its toll on me .
Thank god, around that time @moose_ entered my life and just brought so much to it. From the get go I fell in love with this spontaneous, funny and genuine personality. I hadn’t felt this feeling in a long time, not only did she saw past my awkward self, she also believed in me and was a moral support from the start. Just genuine love and true friendship, no competition or bullshit. A friendship I’ve been waiting for a long time. Love …. If it wasn’t for you ….i really don’t know where I’d be … you saved me from falling down to my lowest point. I’ll never thank you enough.
Then started what as been the worst 4 months of my life; started the year being sick like a dog, the worst cold I ever got …it was terrible. Started my next semester still sick and full of apprehension. Managed to get better and work the everything to do with sex show with @moose_ and @fennek. It was a really fun experience!!!!
February rang and really from that moment I lost all control over my life… it was a very scary place to be but it ended up giving me some of the best life lessons I could ever get. So here it goes:
-February 6 : Broke the front of my car because of a stupid parking janitor guy …ughhhh… and then managed to get a 85$ parking ticket. Sweet.
- February 7 : The day my life changed forever. I didn’t heard from the neurologist for what seem like forever so I tought they hadn’t found anything in my MRI and they called me and gave me an appointment with him. He did some routine check, ask me how was my symptoms now and told me I had to met another neurologist to treat my multiple sclerosis. He said that like it was nothing. I mumble’’ what ? are you telling me I have multiple sclerosis ?’’ while looking at my worried mom sitting next to me…. He just said it look like it but I can’t tell you more.
My mom and I didn’t talked until we got in the car where I just broke into tears, not able to breath. What was going on, all I knew about multiple sclerosis is that it was a really serious condition, that people where donating money for this cause.
The same night, I had to go back home to my boyfriend….how do you tell the love of your life that you are sick, really sick and that you have no answer for them ? telling him crushed me, but as I expected he was supportive and him being calm helped me.
-February 9: I had a shoot planned out for months with @Shaine ,@moose_ and @euphoria , I just simply couldn’t cancelled it… and im glad I didn’t . It was a pretty exhausting day of shooting 2 sets… had to take some breaks but I made it. And those 2 sets ended up looking amazing… maybe because I was going trough so many emotions and let some of my guards down. I can’t wait to show you guys.
-February 10: I had not sleep since learning about my MS … I had to tell my dad and it was eating me alive. So I drove to his place that day, sat down with him and his girlfriend and told them. Seeing my dad cry and being worried sick was just so hard. One thing you must know about me is that, im a pretty opiniated person and stand my ground against pretty much anybody…except my dad and boyfriend, I’d prefer dying than hurt them… I was dying that day but I knew I had to . He told me afterward that he had a call that morning, my grandma was rushed into the hospital after having a stroke. Misery loves company I guess. She ended up dying February 21 with my dad next to her. She died the same day as her husband, my beloved grandpa, passed away 15 years ago. This in a way made me smile and gave me a sense of hope.
-February 18: Dropped my phone in icy water…lost all my pictures. Classic.
-February 19: My mom and I (which I share an apartment with while being at school) learn that we are being evicted from our apartment because the girl who rented it to us had been unfaithful with us and now was taking it back even if she told us she was letting us having it at the end of the lease…. Stress stress stress.
-February 21: While driving back home, I got a call from my boyfriend telling me he had bad news. When he came back home after work, he found our living room drenched in water. Water was leaking out of the roof and into our home….
March was pretty much a month of stress trying to find an apartment for July, fighting with insurance, going to docs appointment, going trough mid-terms and traveling back and forth to my home.
BUT nice things did happened during this time. I learned who was there for me, I got a very important piece tattooed on my back… even if it wasn’t finished by the artist, my boyfriend turned 25 !!!! And I gain back my confidence…. I’m in the process of clearing up my life of everything bad. People, habits, thought. I’m choosing me and to live my life according to it, stop putting myself second just to make sure other people don’t get hurt. I will live my life and it is gonna be an awesome adventure…because I choose to.
I also met with my new doctor who told me everything I had to know about MS… I have the first stage of MS, this mean I might never have to limit my life or loose motricity. But the thing with this illness is they can’t control it 100%.... I might never have an episode, it might progress one day…we don’t know. I’m starting an injectable treatment next week, to prevent the progession of the illness. I am not to happy with the idea of having to inject myself everyday for the rest of my life but this is something I need to let go of.
Learning to let go of thing you have no control over…this is something I still struggle to do on a daily basis but I’m getting there. Small steps are making me a better person, a better girlfriend and a better friend. Its hard but I’m getting there….and learning to accept help from others and letting go was the best thing I could ever asked…
Hoping this journal wasn’t too depressing, I love you guys and don’t worry …ill be more than fine J
Love
Evaelle
