eternityx

You are all tender vittles of self destruction. It seems like whenever things are going the very best that they can go, it always drops back down to zero, and in my case depression. Not this time. I had a bad day at work. It's not going to get to me because frankly I just don't give a fuck. I have given too much into that place of hell and torment to let it drag me into blackened holes of hatred. I am Icarius with bondo instead of wax. Bad things happening to the people around me....and I, never the one to see the light in these situations, see hope in the future. And that's really sad. My whole life I've used depression as the fuel in which my energy's burn, now finding in the realization that it doesn't have to be. Being depressed was my comfort zone. And all I see at this moment is it destroying the livelyhood of those I care about most. It's funny. I feel almost high in a way. From this apex almost everything seems so clarified. You can see that there are some that just need to be burnt and broken for what thay have done/doing, but then in retrospect, others who you would do anything to save for what they have done for you. It's hard to see those you care about weilding tremendous pain. You feel it too.

My entire life I have never trusted anyone. I mean, I can't truely sit here and say that I have trusted anyone. Maybe...but the passage of time leaves torn pages in your mind. Is that truth? I've had friends...but no one I trusted...why is that? I don't know but it's true. Not even the three which I pledged life, love and loyalty too have I trusted. Partially maybe. But rightly so because each one managed to cheat and/or lie. I can play the part of the vallient but when the cameras stop rolling what am I really. I pride myself on never speaking a lie...but when it comes down to it I don't even know if that's real or not. I've been betrayed too often not not leave myself back doors in conversations or relationships that I have with people. I feel like it's almost inherent now, "nature of the beast". But the point is that these things don't weigh on my happiness.

I'm off track.

There is someone I trust right now. I can actually say that and know it's not self delusion. It's truth, take it for what its worth.
It's a very strange feeling to find pieces of yourself that you've never known to exist. Trust.