eternalpain75

Hi all,

So, I started the new job and have worked every night, wish I could say that it dosen't suck, but it dose. Me hating my job is a pretty normal thing though, so nothing new. There are a few pricks that work there. This one guy just dosen't like me for no reason, he talks to everyone else, I even say as much as hello to him he comes off with a attitude. Its not like I haven't encountered douchs like him befor, but really there is no goddamn need for it. I'm fairly easy going most of the time, I mind my own business, if you're nice to me i'll be nice right back, because I have no reason to do other wise. Now, on the other other hand if you fuck with me I excel at being an asshole, and this guy has already found this fact out the hard way. He gives me a wide berth now. I think hes Jealous or something....blah, who cares.

Enough of that though, and on to even more depressing things, yay !! I was lost in thought the other day and something rather profound came to me. I'm not happy, with most everything in my so called life, and haven't been in a really long time, like five years. Most of the time I just block it out, and keep moving forward. I don't know how to fix the way i've become or that I even have the will to fix it, if I knew how. I have no real friends anymore (meaning outside my computer screen, you people are great), none. I've been living my life by the saying "a friend is only a enemy that hasen't betrayed you yet", that is not healthy, I know this, but that has been the one constant in my life... betrayal. I don't know, maybe it happens to everyone and I just don't tolarate it, or other people can move on form it better than I can (I can't let anything go). There are people who are even willing to be my friend, but for the past five years something in me wolent allow it.

I'm pretty introverted, thats a good thing in my mind, because even though i'm alone I don't feel loney often, or maybe i'm just fooling myself, but I have taken it to a new level and have become almost totally isolated (besides people I see at work). Living in a prison of my own making. Why are the cages we make for ourselfs the hardest to brake free from ?

And even though women have been a major sorce of betrayal in my life I really do miss.....I guess being in love with someone, and have it being mutual. Honestly I can see a hundred reasons why i'm not. If I put myself in a womens shoes, I would run far and run fast away from me. I don't have baggage, I have a mother fucking landfill.

In short, I'm a fucking mess. Maybe I should have just said that and been done with it
Anyway the mental waste was overflowing, this was the run off, moving along nothing to see here