eternalpain75

I need to try and stop being so cruel and callous, with everyone, including myself. I'm hard on myself, and where has it gotten me ? Nowhere. I would be a alot better off if I could let things go, and stop kicking myself in the teeth repeatedly over the same tired bullshit. Alot easier said than done. Can't change it, can't fix it, so why bother....but then I take that to extreams also. Why bother with anything really ? Everything I, or anyone else dose is fucking meaningless. When we die, maybe a handfull of people will remember us for who we are, and a genaration or two after that, it will be like most of us never exsisted at all. An afterlife ? God ? Nothingness again. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

I need to find something that makes me happy right now. Yesterday don't mean shit, and tomorrow never ends up getting here, its always a day away. All we have is right now, this very moment, just like Charlie Manson said, gotta live in the now. Happiness is really fickel though, Noone is happy all the time. If someone says they are they're either a lier or have a mental dissorder. But by todays standards almost everyone classifies as having a mental disorder, or ten. Everyone is in therapy, and on medication to make them docile little sheep. Its sorta funny therapist is spelled The Rapist....makes you wonder dosen't it ? I'm digressing from my point. Happiness comes in sperts, maybe a few days here, a week there, but surrounding these bright spots, is alot of pain, misery, and hardships that you just have to endure (life is not a game its a battle of endurence). But we need these qualities, if we didn't we wouldn't know when the good times were, or appreciate anything, let alone happiness.

I just wish things were a little more balanced. It seems (mite just be me though) that you get these brief flashs of how good things can be, inside a gigantic maelstorm of shit. Don't try and fight it, it just keeps coming, enbrace the shit storm

I would kill and/or die for one of those flashs of happiness right now. I've spent to long in my self-imposed prison that I don't know the way out anymore. Dying to live. My happiness is connected to wemen, I love them, but noghting is able to destroy me quite like they do. I just have to convince myself that I'm that crazy, stupid, dispirit, or a combanation of all three, enough to lay it all on the line again. Its all or nothing with me. Sagittarius people are said to be gamblers, I don't gamble with money, I gamble with life....move up to the big boys table, a real high stakes game. If I lose, death, or a very real likness, but if I win, I reap the loins share, and then give it right back.

Thats enough from me. Till next insane rant