esmee

theres something deeply satisfying about wanting something or someone you can't have. its almost better than having the thing or the person themselves...
Its like all the potential, all of what "could be, if only" is spun up into a sugar coated ball hanging over your head. anticipation is sweet, so why is reality so often at odds with fantasy life...

my head feels like its stuffed with pillows today. the combination of alka seltzer cold plus and weed is pretty nice, vaguely reminiscent of heroin but without all the itching and puking which were really the main deal breakers in all my college experimenting with h...i did like the idea of it but it just never stuck which is good now that i look back on it.

speaking of cold medicine and college, there was one night when i was up at 4 am, strung out from weeks of doing nothing but inhaling meth and staring into space. i was sitting in front of my rickety old computer playing solitaire when i heard my suitemate go into the bathroom and shut the door. she was in there for a very long time. the way the rooms were set up, it was two bedrooms with a bathroom suspended in between and called suites..so.
after a long time i heard a loud thump followed by rustling and then silence. i supposed, correctly, as it turned out that she had fallen down and was laying there. so in my logic i said to myself well if she doesn't move soon i'll find out whats wrong.
as it turned out, i found out the next day, she had drank a bottle of Robitussin and was laying on the bathroom floor "staring into a tunnel of death".
ah memories