esmee

I'm getting fat...or something.
I was lifting weights and suddenly found myself completely unable to fit into my clothes. I feel the need to explain this to people...nervously. You see, I'm not really fat its just that I got very into powerlifting somehow and my butt got huge. But its muscle...so...
and I shrug apologetically.

Theres nothing worse than being fat. And its not necessarily being fat that is bad but its feeling fat and you can feel fat without actually being fat. Or you can be fat but feel skinny and then are you really fat unless you feel fat. Clearly at some point you are actually fat but it makes my head hurt to think about the dichotomy of wanting to be a strong powerful woman yet being told that I can only occupy a certain wee amount of space in the world. And like everything it comes down to perception...like I was skinny but somehow didn't realize it until I had some perspective, which is to say gazing backwards at myself from two sizes away...

Lifting weights is fun though. Its funny after training really hard for a year I have a new respect for men. Its hard to explain why...maybe because after trying my hardest to benchpress 75 lbs for over 6 months, it boggles my mind that guys can walk in and throw around at least twice that without ever trying before. Granted that only applies to certain men and certain upper body movements where men are vastly stronger than women.
ok now i'm boring myself.

err why am i so dumb that i can't even figure out how i do a journal entry instead of comment?