esme

Well, the last 48 hours plus have been a complete emotional rollercoaster. I woke up on Sunday morning to find my scooter gone, which to a certain degree I knew was an inevitability since I dont live in the best neighborhood ever and Ive had to park it on the street for the last couple weeks. I used to keep it under the stairwell inside a locked gate until the stupid fucks on the condo board told me I had to move it because its a fire hazard, which is complete fucking bullshit since its not blocking any doors and the only way it could catch on fire is if someone unlocked the gas cap (which requires a key) and threw a lit fucking match in there. I mean, its not like I actually start the engine in there.
So for the first two or three nights that it was on the street, I was genuinely surprised to find it still there, especially since Id already lost a crappy $20 bike that was actually locked up. So then I started feeling okay about it, thinking to myself, even thieves have some sense, and theyll realize that even if they do pick it up and take it away they wont actually be able to drive it. But they didI guess they want the parts, who knows?
So I was pretty calm for awhile, made it all the way to my moms house on the bus, fed the cats, picked up her car (she was away for the weekend and is sweet and leaves me the keys so I can go grocery shopping or whatever if I want to), drove to the police station, and didnt actually start crying until the lady who was taking my report yelled at me for leaving my registration papers in the bike (to which I replied that I had always been under the impression that registration was meant to be kept in the vehicle because dont they ask for it when you get pulled over, and she looked at me like I was the bastard child of Christ and said No.)
Then M and I went to the movies (I Heart Huckabees) so I could get my mind off of things, which didnt really work. I went to work, which did a better job of keeping my mind off things. Fed the cats again, kept the car because my mom wasnt home yet and I really didnt want to take the bus by myself at that hour, especially because its a six block walk home through said not-so-great neighborhood after you get off.
When I got home I was feeling pretty awful, and it only exacerbated by looking through all the papers I got when I bought the bike and reading my theft protection contract, which does not explicitly state anywhere that you need comprehensive insurance (which I do not have) to collect on the theft protection, but seems to imply it on the part that I had never read before because it says when you file a claim you need to include a copy of your insurance settlement check and your comprehensive policy. So while all day I had been feeling raped and violated but still okay because I knew at least theyll buy me a new one in a month (thats how long they give the police to find itbut of course we all know thats never gonna happen), now I felt raped, violated, and cheated, because the guys at the motorcycle store told me I only legally needed liability and when they sold me theft protection never said anything about needing to have comprehensive if I wanted to collect on that.
I did not share this information with M. Its not like he could have done anything. He went to bed, but I couldnt sleep so I decided to play Medal of Honor: Rising Sun from the beginning, since Ive just been sort of picking up parts of levels here and there but never got the whole storyline. It wasnt the same with the sound off, though, so I went to bed and tossed and turned for a while.
Then on Monday I mourned. I had to get up first thing in the morning to pick up my mom, who was trying to be helpful, suggesting all these things I should do like see if the credit card I put it on had buyer protection and how maybe I should call my cousin, the lawyer, to look over the theft warranty and see if she could make sense of it, but really she just made me feel worse, because I want to be able to deal with things without my moms help. Dropped her off at work, walked home, ran into M as he was walking to the train so I walked with him, then came home and played MOH for a good three hours and drank too much coffee. Then I watched Who Wants to be a Millionaire and did a bunch of internet research and drank more coffee. Played some more video games but kept getting stuck at the same place so I decided to work on my painting website. That was good for awhileIm finally starting to get the hang of Dreamweaverand I made it through to Jeopardy.
Then at four I started to cry. I cried in bed, mostly looking out the window at the spot where I always parked my scooter. I cried on the side of the bathtub. I cried while pacing the kitchen and tried to burn myself with a Bic lighter but couldnt do it. I got the sleeping bag and laid it out on the floor of the closet and closed the door and cried in there for awhile. I went into the living room and tried to cut myself with an X-acto knife but it wasnt sharp enough. I turned the TV on. I sat at the computer again. I ate a bag of Doritos. Then I took three Xanax and lied down on the couch and feel asleep and the next thing I knew M was standing over me and he brought me a glass of water and a burrito that hed picked up on the way home. I ate a couple bites and put it down.
We walked to Walgreens to buy dishwashing soap. On the way back I said Ill try to snap out of it. He told me it was okay, that I should just take a day and get it all out. I thought to myself A /day/? Is he nuts? Ill be lucky if I feel better by Christmas.
Meanwhile, Im thinking, God, how superficial am I that Im this shaken up by the loss of a material possession, albeit a material possession that Ive spent over three grand on in the last three months? And I wonder, what will I be like when someone close to me dies? But I realized that then at least Ill have people to mourn with me, whereas this is such a personal loss. I mean, most of my friends know that my scooter meant a lot to me, but no one is really there to share that sense of loss with me.
Im feeling better todayit probably has something to do with the fact that I let myself sleep til 11. And Im feeling some renewed confidence in the theft protection, because I read the one part that I hadnt read at all before this morning, the part that addresses residents of particular states (Illinois isnt one of them) and theres a note that says California & Hawaii Residents: To be eligible for this warranty, the warranty holder must have comprehensive insurance coverage on the vehicle that is protected by the anti-theft device, which seems to imply that residents of the other 48 states dont need it. So, please keep your fingers crossed that a month from now (right about when its getting too yucky to ride, of course) I will have a brand new bike, which I will promptly put in my mothers garage, and spend the rest of the winter looking for a garage space to rent near my place, so I can keep my baby safe.