eris23

being alive is really getting on my nerves. i have not moved beyond a state of extended adolescence. i still rebel from responsibility, i'm still moody and defensive...i felt so clever for hitting on this description of my mental block, but i haven't done much with it in the 2 years since.
i think a lot of my anxiety is just from not really having any work. i don't feel secure in my ability to support myself because i never have; i have no proof that i'm not a total waster who couldn't survive if i wasn't caught up in this massive safety net. so this leads to my financial paranoia, my resentment of d--who has direction, one with which i just toddle along--and the general sense of life slipping through my fingers. i do have a plan now, which is more than i could have said before. i need to take the effort to work out the individual steps through which i must progress.

1. get home
2. figure out some way to earn money
a) promote drapery business
b) other sewing/craft business
c) retail, last resort coffee
3. save, save, save
4. get wwoof Japan and Australia books, contact hosts
5. book a ticket or two
6. go and do it

fuck. i already know all this. the problem is in the execution. as in, how the hell am i going to make money without going totally mental? am i going to end up in some horrid store? fabricland? i would rather work there than starbucks. i hope more than anything that i will figure out some way to make and sell clothes or something like that. the recycled garment thing might be cool. i could make skirts out of somehting other than jeans, graft things onto each other, i dunno... i am actually quite afraid of thinking about it because i can't do much about it till i get home, so i just get uptight, which leads to being completely depressed about absolutely everything.

i need a big laugh... ahhh, chickens are always so satisfying