The night the Kartoffel saved Christmas
Hello true believers! I hope this holiday finds you all well and happy. I am here to regale you how the last Christmas almost wasn't and how yours truly was able to save the day! I am sure you are all surprised by this knowledge, but I am now able to finally tell you the tale. First you are all asking yourself, how does a mad alchemist, chef with the power of a human potato know Santa Claus? We are all on the nigh mythical creatures mailing list, and Santa sent out an SOS on the list asking for the help of anybody who could offer it. This was right after the national celebration of thanks that the Kartoffel is around (Although some seem to believe Thanksgiving is celebrating other things for some strange reason). Santa was having a crisis of epic proportions. He was calling in all the cards he could to help Christmas get off on time. Few people know that if he lets this deadline slip, it causes some time rift issues in the continuum as well as the over time pay required by the Elf union is vicious. The problems started out small, but slowly grew in degree and eventually led to a full fledged invasion of the North poll.
The first hints of the problem were a nasty virus that was starting to hit the Elven workforce during the crunch time of production. Now this alone was unusual. Santonian (versus that tall lanky breed that gets all the good movie roles) Elves are fairly resistant to disease, and immune to normal human diseases. Santonian Elves have their roots in one of the pigmy elf tribes of the fairy lands. (It seems there was some Pixie blood mixed with the Elven a long time ago in ways that probably shouldn't be contemplated in detail.) Well this virus was knocking the poor little gents out in droves and had them all tucked in their beds with dreams of anything but sugar plums dancing through their heads. Santa's work force was wiped out and while he had his Elven defense force, they aren't certified for working the toy machines. Santa did first try to put in a call to the Dwarven local that has ties with the Santonian Elf union, but could only find a small quantity of very young dwarves who could work the machines. While dwarves are fine craftsman, they have different hand proportions than Santonian Elves and could barely work their machines. There is also various child labor laws that made the dwarven child only be able to work very limited hours. The other issue with dwarven workers is their cultures view of acceptable children's toys. I can imagine that many children might find great delight in a well crafted war axe with pictures of the Teletubbies inscribed in fantastic detail in them, it seems many parents are less than pleased with this type of gift.
So Santa hit the myth.net to send out a call for suggestions for adequate people to help him staff the Elven factories. While many of my fellow mythical brethren were happy to offer aid, there was problems with those who could actually perform the duties. The Easter bunny has a large cadre of Bunny/Chicken couples who help with the Easter egg supply, but they have limited manipulation skills. The Irish leprechauns' league had skilled craftsmen, but their wage demands were beyond Santa's planned budget for the year, and also he could only get them in small numbers, since they do have to spend a lot of time patrolling their gold pots. (So far the idea of actually making vaults for storage has escaped them at this point in time). The Valentines cupids, while great archers are less than skilled craftsmen for items other than fine bows and fletching. (Which also seems to bee a less than popular toy with most parents). So Santa was left with few options for a technically skilled workforce to finish the toys.
Fortunately for the children of the world, I had some experiments in the works that would be able to meet Santa's staffing needs. My recent experiments in sentient sweet potatoes had yielded some success and they were both compact enough to work Santa's Elven machinery and perform simple tasks. However they weren't the brightest of my starchy minions and were unable to produce some of the more complex devices. (Thus why so many people are having a hard time finding the Wii, my potatolings just couldn't understand the equipment to make them). So thus Santa was once again able to meet demands in plans for the delivery needs forecasted for the year. Then the next part of the insidious assault on the pole began. The Snowmen league began to mount an attack on the North pole compound. These were a vicious lot of snow men distantly related to Frosty, but some where in their line was some of the old Frost giants from Nifelheim had come by on vacation and added to the Snowmen line. These Snowmen had been an angry lot for many years, with a war like nature, but being made of snow, it severely limited the lands they could successfully invade. So Santa was the only real target for them to vent upon, and the time had come for their icy implements of destruction to be brought into play. I was there to witness the invasion begin, and watched with awe the bravery of the Elven defense force. For such tiny warriors, they are a fierce and amazing fighting force. I have never in my life seen any body had something like that done to them with a Candy cane, and I still try to purge my memory of that terrible battle. And you would never expect the martial uses that sugar plums and gum drops can be employed to. I occasionally gave my assistance to the elves with my alchemic learning's and spicy recipes. Some of my most secret spice recipes reduced many a snow warrior to a quivering puddle. This battle was raging outside the compound and kept the defense force manning the hot Cocoa blasters 24/7. It is hard to put down a foe that can go and grab a lump of snow to patch up any wounds.
After many hours the defense force was tiring and starting to be unable to function properly after so little rest. At this point I decided it was time to give the Elves a new edge, even at the risk of giving them potent chemicals that they had never experienced before. I dug into my travel bag of supplies (which as many people know I bring A LOT of supplies for any occasion) and started to bring out that most magical of dark brews, COFFEE! I started them off on a very weak version of my special brew, since my most potent brews have vibrated many a brave soul into other dimensions. With this heady brew, the Elves went into over drive and kept the Snowmen on the defensive for a long time during the siege. My Sweet potato force was working away at a blistering pace and keeping Santa on schedule for the delivery. (A small dose of the coffee may have also have been a factor that was helping to let them catch up with the production gap.)
Soon the Snowmen mounted the next part of their invasion that caught us all by surprise. While we had been weathering all sorts of various caliber of snowball, they soon had an unusual mortar that began to be launched over the walls of the compound. The snowmen had developed a new breed of mini snowman that could fit in the mortar cannons and be launched around our defenses. I am sure you all are thinking, what can a 6 inch tall snow man do? But let me assure you, they can get into places you NEVER want to think about, and not only is it very unpleasant, it is also very chilly. This recent attack was very hard to repel, and my sweet potato minions do not function very well in the cold, nor had I really built them for self defense.
I had to once again dig into my supplies to overcome this mighty mite of a foe.
Inspiration hit me and I quickly came up with a solution that had all out little foes quaking in their little top hats. I went down to the second basement of the travel pack (doesn't everybody bring a multi floor travel pack for supplies?) and brought out the flavored syrups and a supply of paper cups and plastic sporks. (These novice forces weren't yet prepared to wield the deadly and powerful titanium sporks in my arsenal). Soon snow cone men were being eaten by all, but this caused another slight hiccup in production due to a massive wave of brain freeze among the defenders. Another small dose of the coffee however thawed out the defending warriors.
We had finally repelled the icy invaders and were preparing for the final countdown to delivery, when the revenge of the snowmen struck us. Those tiny tikes of terror had planted some sedatives into all of the reindeers supplies and had put them to far under to be awoken in time. Santa was at a loss, and had no clue as to what to do. Most of Santa's magic for flying only worked on animals and did not function on potatoes or elves. I then told Santa that I would be happy to do the work that the reindeer no longer could. While I am half potato, I also number the buffalo among my oddly assembled gene pool (a story for a different time). So I shoulder up the sleigh and prepared for my nights work. Now while I was able to make use of the magic that made reindeers fly, it had secondary effect I would rather not divulge at this time.
Thus I saved Christmas and got Santa back on track. I apologize now for some of the roofs I broke on my landings, I can attest that have never been the most graceful of Starchy mastermind, and it was my first time pulling a sled. So I leave you all my true believers and wish you a wonderful holiday, and a happy new year! (Another special adventure, that shall wait for a different day). Excelsior!
The amazing Kartoffel
Hello true believers! I hope this holiday finds you all well and happy. I am here to regale you how the last Christmas almost wasn't and how yours truly was able to save the day! I am sure you are all surprised by this knowledge, but I am now able to finally tell you the tale. First you are all asking yourself, how does a mad alchemist, chef with the power of a human potato know Santa Claus? We are all on the nigh mythical creatures mailing list, and Santa sent out an SOS on the list asking for the help of anybody who could offer it. This was right after the national celebration of thanks that the Kartoffel is around (Although some seem to believe Thanksgiving is celebrating other things for some strange reason). Santa was having a crisis of epic proportions. He was calling in all the cards he could to help Christmas get off on time. Few people know that if he lets this deadline slip, it causes some time rift issues in the continuum as well as the over time pay required by the Elf union is vicious. The problems started out small, but slowly grew in degree and eventually led to a full fledged invasion of the North poll.
The first hints of the problem were a nasty virus that was starting to hit the Elven workforce during the crunch time of production. Now this alone was unusual. Santonian (versus that tall lanky breed that gets all the good movie roles) Elves are fairly resistant to disease, and immune to normal human diseases. Santonian Elves have their roots in one of the pigmy elf tribes of the fairy lands. (It seems there was some Pixie blood mixed with the Elven a long time ago in ways that probably shouldn't be contemplated in detail.) Well this virus was knocking the poor little gents out in droves and had them all tucked in their beds with dreams of anything but sugar plums dancing through their heads. Santa's work force was wiped out and while he had his Elven defense force, they aren't certified for working the toy machines. Santa did first try to put in a call to the Dwarven local that has ties with the Santonian Elf union, but could only find a small quantity of very young dwarves who could work the machines. While dwarves are fine craftsman, they have different hand proportions than Santonian Elves and could barely work their machines. There is also various child labor laws that made the dwarven child only be able to work very limited hours. The other issue with dwarven workers is their cultures view of acceptable children's toys. I can imagine that many children might find great delight in a well crafted war axe with pictures of the Teletubbies inscribed in fantastic detail in them, it seems many parents are less than pleased with this type of gift.
So Santa hit the myth.net to send out a call for suggestions for adequate people to help him staff the Elven factories. While many of my fellow mythical brethren were happy to offer aid, there was problems with those who could actually perform the duties. The Easter bunny has a large cadre of Bunny/Chicken couples who help with the Easter egg supply, but they have limited manipulation skills. The Irish leprechauns' league had skilled craftsmen, but their wage demands were beyond Santa's planned budget for the year, and also he could only get them in small numbers, since they do have to spend a lot of time patrolling their gold pots. (So far the idea of actually making vaults for storage has escaped them at this point in time). The Valentines cupids, while great archers are less than skilled craftsmen for items other than fine bows and fletching. (Which also seems to bee a less than popular toy with most parents). So Santa was left with few options for a technically skilled workforce to finish the toys.
Fortunately for the children of the world, I had some experiments in the works that would be able to meet Santa's staffing needs. My recent experiments in sentient sweet potatoes had yielded some success and they were both compact enough to work Santa's Elven machinery and perform simple tasks. However they weren't the brightest of my starchy minions and were unable to produce some of the more complex devices. (Thus why so many people are having a hard time finding the Wii, my potatolings just couldn't understand the equipment to make them). So thus Santa was once again able to meet demands in plans for the delivery needs forecasted for the year. Then the next part of the insidious assault on the pole began. The Snowmen league began to mount an attack on the North pole compound. These were a vicious lot of snow men distantly related to Frosty, but some where in their line was some of the old Frost giants from Nifelheim had come by on vacation and added to the Snowmen line. These Snowmen had been an angry lot for many years, with a war like nature, but being made of snow, it severely limited the lands they could successfully invade. So Santa was the only real target for them to vent upon, and the time had come for their icy implements of destruction to be brought into play. I was there to witness the invasion begin, and watched with awe the bravery of the Elven defense force. For such tiny warriors, they are a fierce and amazing fighting force. I have never in my life seen any body had something like that done to them with a Candy cane, and I still try to purge my memory of that terrible battle. And you would never expect the martial uses that sugar plums and gum drops can be employed to. I occasionally gave my assistance to the elves with my alchemic learning's and spicy recipes. Some of my most secret spice recipes reduced many a snow warrior to a quivering puddle. This battle was raging outside the compound and kept the defense force manning the hot Cocoa blasters 24/7. It is hard to put down a foe that can go and grab a lump of snow to patch up any wounds.
After many hours the defense force was tiring and starting to be unable to function properly after so little rest. At this point I decided it was time to give the Elves a new edge, even at the risk of giving them potent chemicals that they had never experienced before. I dug into my travel bag of supplies (which as many people know I bring A LOT of supplies for any occasion) and started to bring out that most magical of dark brews, COFFEE! I started them off on a very weak version of my special brew, since my most potent brews have vibrated many a brave soul into other dimensions. With this heady brew, the Elves went into over drive and kept the Snowmen on the defensive for a long time during the siege. My Sweet potato force was working away at a blistering pace and keeping Santa on schedule for the delivery. (A small dose of the coffee may have also have been a factor that was helping to let them catch up with the production gap.)
Soon the Snowmen mounted the next part of their invasion that caught us all by surprise. While we had been weathering all sorts of various caliber of snowball, they soon had an unusual mortar that began to be launched over the walls of the compound. The snowmen had developed a new breed of mini snowman that could fit in the mortar cannons and be launched around our defenses. I am sure you all are thinking, what can a 6 inch tall snow man do? But let me assure you, they can get into places you NEVER want to think about, and not only is it very unpleasant, it is also very chilly. This recent attack was very hard to repel, and my sweet potato minions do not function very well in the cold, nor had I really built them for self defense.
I had to once again dig into my supplies to overcome this mighty mite of a foe.
Inspiration hit me and I quickly came up with a solution that had all out little foes quaking in their little top hats. I went down to the second basement of the travel pack (doesn't everybody bring a multi floor travel pack for supplies?) and brought out the flavored syrups and a supply of paper cups and plastic sporks. (These novice forces weren't yet prepared to wield the deadly and powerful titanium sporks in my arsenal). Soon snow cone men were being eaten by all, but this caused another slight hiccup in production due to a massive wave of brain freeze among the defenders. Another small dose of the coffee however thawed out the defending warriors.
We had finally repelled the icy invaders and were preparing for the final countdown to delivery, when the revenge of the snowmen struck us. Those tiny tikes of terror had planted some sedatives into all of the reindeers supplies and had put them to far under to be awoken in time. Santa was at a loss, and had no clue as to what to do. Most of Santa's magic for flying only worked on animals and did not function on potatoes or elves. I then told Santa that I would be happy to do the work that the reindeer no longer could. While I am half potato, I also number the buffalo among my oddly assembled gene pool (a story for a different time). So I shoulder up the sleigh and prepared for my nights work. Now while I was able to make use of the magic that made reindeers fly, it had secondary effect I would rather not divulge at this time.
Thus I saved Christmas and got Santa back on track. I apologize now for some of the roofs I broke on my landings, I can attest that have never been the most graceful of Starchy mastermind, and it was my first time pulling a sled. So I leave you all my true believers and wish you a wonderful holiday, and a happy new year! (Another special adventure, that shall wait for a different day). Excelsior!
The amazing Kartoffel