erics

Life and relationships...Man, does it ever end? Heh.

Warning : THIS IS GONNA BE LONG.

I met my wife yesterday at the bankruptcy document preparers office...She immediately thanked me for the flowers and told me she absolutely loved them...and that the whole office was abuzz about how great they were. I told her I was going to send roses but didn't want to weird her out thinking I'm trying to get back together with her and that roses are overdone, imo. She said she was glad I chose the ones I did. So that was nice. We sat around in the office and talked about her work while we waited, got the documents signed and immediately headed to the court to file. That went supersmooth. Ten minutes in the door, pair, out the door with a date for court and a case number. Whew...major stress of me right at that moment.

As an aside, I've been thinking about moving to Hawaii. My brother, his girlfriend, and a good good friend who I apprenticed are all moving there...I got a job offer from the shop they are going to be working at. So I figured now that me and the wife are split up, it may be a good time to go somewhere new, away from her and the situation start new with friends and my brother who are also going to be starting fresh in a new place. That's where my head has been the last few days...Back to the story...

...So we leave the court house, get in the car and we're going to go get lunch real quick before I head to work for my one appointment and she heads back to work. We talk about what she wants to do after work because I'm going to hang out with her for her birthday...She said she wanted to maybe go to PF CHangs and see Cinderella Man. Ok, cool...So while we're driving I tell her I think we should just file for divorce...That i have the money and I think it's better for both of us ...that'll be easier to move on if the bankruptcy and the divorce are both just handled and we're free and clear no strings attached. I then tell her how I've been thinking of moving to hawaii with my brother and friends and I don't want to have to deal with divorce stuff while I'm moving or once I move if we can just take care of it now...not that I am definitely going, but that if it happens, I want everything done. She tells me she had been thinking of movign back to California...but that she doesn't think she'd do that, it was just a passing thought. She ends the conversation when we get to a mexican restaurant for lunch with a "Well, I don't understand why you're in such a hurry." Bleh...I thought I was pretty clear.

We go in and eat lunch...I got a bean burrito no cheese and a side of rice. It was pretty yummy. She was a little taken back by me ordering stuff with no cheese since I normally get extra cheese on everything. Hehe. We had a nice lunch and talked about the changes I've been making in my life...she tells me she's proud of me and that I'm doing great, etc. It was nice that she recognized that I am doing well...I was half afraid that when we hang out and I do something that I think is positive that in the back of the head she's thinking I'm putting on a show for her. Heh.

Back in the car...headed to drop me off at work...She says she's not ready to file divorce...That she's having second thoughts and that she has been thinking about me a lot and misses me. I tell her it's good to know that she at least misses me. I then go on a little ramble about how she blames me for so much shit in her life that i don't think she can get past all the pent up hostilities and anger and that I think divorce is the way we need to head at this point...but we get to work and I don't want to get to deep into it. I tell her we'll talk later.

I wor, she works...a few hours later she comes to the shop and follows me home...We go in to check times of movies...She decides she's a little tired and we're are just gonna rent a movie and go eat something...So we rent American Splendor and go to a local indian restaurant...Which was nice because they had all kinda of good vegetarian food. Yum...It was a little too greasy though. At dinner talked more about stuff...I told her she needed to tell me when she slept with someone else...Hehe...She asked why I wanted to know when it happened,...Because of closure. It'll hurt a little, but it helps seal the deal a little more. She told me she's not looking for anyone else. It was a nice conversation.and it felt real good to be able to sit with her and be honest and not have it be awkward. After dinner we headed back to my apartment to watch the movie...

Lisa started to get an upset stomach so that kinda sucked...We started to talk more...she asked me what I wanted...I told her a house with a pool. Hehe. She said she meant between us....I told her I didn't know what I wanted...That I honestly didn't even know how she felt because she held everything in and wasn't honest with me. Pretending everything is ok but feeling miserable and holding it against me isn't fair. We talked a LOT about a lot of things...things that should have been addressed a long time ago. How shitty is it that it takes breaking up and moving apart to deal with things...Man, we suck. Heh. She asked if I still loved her...I told her I wasn't sure...that I cared about her and wanted the best for her, even though that is so cliche...But was that love? I don't know...She said she still loved me and missed me...and she wants nothing but good for me and again told me how proud she was of me...and by just talking to me and how I'm dealing with everything that I'm making a ton of positive changes in my life and that she knows I'm very motivated and capable...And that's all she wanted from me for a long time was to just realize how much I am capable and not fall into the victim mentality that I've been able to do so easily in the past...Which I know is something I tended to do before. I then go on to tell her how fucked up the whole situation was...they way she left and did all that planning behind my back...but that I realize now that it was pretty much the only way she could do that. If I knew she was planning on leaving me, she's right...I would have left or kicked her out. It was self preservation...and looking back, if I was in her shoes I would have probably done the same thing. I've dealt with a lot of these in my head already...But to be able to rationally tell her how much it hurt and how fucked up it was for this and that, and not yell...that is a HUGE step...for me...and she realizes that as well. It was good to have such honest dialog. It's the most honest we've been able to talk in the last 2 years of our 4.5 year marriage. Pretty sad, eh? Needless to say there were many tears from both sides during the conversation. She started to get pretty sick to her stomach at this point so it was getting hard to talk to her. I told her to go lay down in the bed. I told her to lay on her side since i never go there so it's not contaminated. Hehe...for some reason she started crying and sobbing when she laid down in the bed. I was like what the hell!? Stop crying! She started sobbing about how much she missed sleeping next to me and cuddling with me....At this point I told her she needs to think about whether she misses the reality of me or the thought of me. Because everytime I think about her..and I miss her I have to remind myself of how it's been the last year...and how her being here with me is WAY different than how it used to be...That the reality of being with her and the idea of being with her are WAY different...or at least has been for a long time. I think she understood. She asked me to rub her belly, which I did...it helped her a little...Eventually she cried some more so I hugged her a little...and held her...She fell asleep. A few minutes later I woke her up and sent her home because she has to work early. I hugged her before she left...and told her we'll talk more later.

*sigh* Life isn't easy...if you read this all the way through I'm impressed. Hehe. I have a lot of thinking to do.