Henry says:
"Half of life is fucking up the other half is dealing with it."
"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."
"My feelings for you shame me into silence. The truth of this and your name will never be revealed. It is you who has made me realize the failure of my life. The thought of you fills me with longing and at the same time, a burning humiliation that produces scar tissue and dead brain cells. Your existence mocks me and I am unable to confront this. You have no idea of any of this. None of this is your fault. It is completely with me. It is you who makes me see what I really am. I am weak and out of touch with myself."
Well, I've done it again... I let myself become totally dependent upon one person for my own self-worth and self-direction.
Read the quotes above... every one of them touches a certain part of my old and recently re-opened self-inflicted wound.
I have done this to myself.
Again.
I need people in my life, yet I push many of them away.
I miss my father, but didn't get along with him that well when he was alive... I took care of him when he was sick and was there when he died. Part of me died at that moment and made the ever present pain in my chest and lump in my throat that much more difficult to ignore.
What a strange place this is for a confessional; must be my Irish Catholic upbringing forcing stuff out of me like this.
Another factor is my new girlfriend.
She and I have known each other for a couple of years now; we work every other month or so on a TV show somewhere on location... usually for a couple of weeks or more at a time.
We began dating in New Orleans right before Katrina; our crew was evacuated the day the hurricane hit. She and I have been together ever since.
Before we began dating, my life was pretty comfortably chaotic and I was a functional vagabond.
Since we started dating, I have had to reevaluate my life...
It's long overdue, not unwelcome and not her fault... I have had my life on Pause for a while now.
The down side is that I have not only realized a lot of unpleasant things about myself, but now I have a ton of (self-imposed) pressure to get it all straightened out.
All that's well and good: "Stop whining, step up and get it done already. Jeez."
I hear you.
Here's the thing; I've written that I am the "Break Glass in Case of Emergency" guy... now that someone is in a relationship wth me and depends on me to a degree and expects certain things of me as an (alleged) adult, I am not sure how to deal with that.
Along the way, I have also dropped off the face of the planet as far as some of my friends are concerned... I seem to have only a certain amount of energy in me for people lately and then I find myself all tapped out. Telling people how I feel and what's going on doesn't seem to fit in the program; I am fully capable of dealing with other people's issues, but get easily overwhelmed by my own... I've dug myself quite a hole to climb up out of.
I am here in Brooklyn packing my stuff to go "home" to work for the next couple of weeks; right up to the New Year. I am in my girlfriend's apartment and she is on a plane to Korea to see family (more on how her very traditional family does not and can not know about the tattooed white boy boyfriend later). I think the condition I find myself in has a lot to do with having put all my time and energy lately into trying to become the man she and I both need me to be.
I have to get it all worked out; get it all straight in my head... I have to be able to balance all the parts of my life before I go completely insane.
I have to somehow make amends... again... to those people in my life I have walked away from... again.
If they let me.
Not sure I would if I were them...
December 20th Update:
The West Wing is on the tv in the background while working on the computer.
One of the characters is trying to comfort another and tells him this story:
"A guy is walking down the street when he falls down a hole in the sidewalk. The walls are too steep and he can't climb out. A doctor walks by and the man calls out for help: "Doctor, I've fallen down into this hole and I can't climb out... can you help me?"
The doctor writes out a prescription, drops it into the hole and walks on. Next a priest walks by the hole. The man cries out: "Father, I've fallen into this hole and the walls are too steep to climb out... can you please help me?" The priest writes out a prayer on a piece of paper, drops it in the hole and goes on his way.
Finally, the man's friend walks by the hole. "Joe, I've fallen in this hole and can't get out... can you help me?" Joe immediately jumps down into the hole next to his friend. His friend yells out: "Joe, why did you jump into this hole with me... now we're both stuck."
Joe turns to his friend and says: "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."
I guess that's my problem; I'm usually Joe in this story and am unaccustomed to being the other guy...
"Half of life is fucking up the other half is dealing with it."
"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."
"My feelings for you shame me into silence. The truth of this and your name will never be revealed. It is you who has made me realize the failure of my life. The thought of you fills me with longing and at the same time, a burning humiliation that produces scar tissue and dead brain cells. Your existence mocks me and I am unable to confront this. You have no idea of any of this. None of this is your fault. It is completely with me. It is you who makes me see what I really am. I am weak and out of touch with myself."
Well, I've done it again... I let myself become totally dependent upon one person for my own self-worth and self-direction.
Read the quotes above... every one of them touches a certain part of my old and recently re-opened self-inflicted wound.
I have done this to myself.
Again.
I need people in my life, yet I push many of them away.
I miss my father, but didn't get along with him that well when he was alive... I took care of him when he was sick and was there when he died. Part of me died at that moment and made the ever present pain in my chest and lump in my throat that much more difficult to ignore.
What a strange place this is for a confessional; must be my Irish Catholic upbringing forcing stuff out of me like this.
Another factor is my new girlfriend.
She and I have known each other for a couple of years now; we work every other month or so on a TV show somewhere on location... usually for a couple of weeks or more at a time.
We began dating in New Orleans right before Katrina; our crew was evacuated the day the hurricane hit. She and I have been together ever since.
Before we began dating, my life was pretty comfortably chaotic and I was a functional vagabond.
Since we started dating, I have had to reevaluate my life...
It's long overdue, not unwelcome and not her fault... I have had my life on Pause for a while now.
The down side is that I have not only realized a lot of unpleasant things about myself, but now I have a ton of (self-imposed) pressure to get it all straightened out.
All that's well and good: "Stop whining, step up and get it done already. Jeez."
I hear you.
Here's the thing; I've written that I am the "Break Glass in Case of Emergency" guy... now that someone is in a relationship wth me and depends on me to a degree and expects certain things of me as an (alleged) adult, I am not sure how to deal with that.
Along the way, I have also dropped off the face of the planet as far as some of my friends are concerned... I seem to have only a certain amount of energy in me for people lately and then I find myself all tapped out. Telling people how I feel and what's going on doesn't seem to fit in the program; I am fully capable of dealing with other people's issues, but get easily overwhelmed by my own... I've dug myself quite a hole to climb up out of.
I am here in Brooklyn packing my stuff to go "home" to work for the next couple of weeks; right up to the New Year. I am in my girlfriend's apartment and she is on a plane to Korea to see family (more on how her very traditional family does not and can not know about the tattooed white boy boyfriend later). I think the condition I find myself in has a lot to do with having put all my time and energy lately into trying to become the man she and I both need me to be.
I have to get it all worked out; get it all straight in my head... I have to be able to balance all the parts of my life before I go completely insane.
I have to somehow make amends... again... to those people in my life I have walked away from... again.
If they let me.
Not sure I would if I were them...
December 20th Update:
The West Wing is on the tv in the background while working on the computer.
One of the characters is trying to comfort another and tells him this story:
"A guy is walking down the street when he falls down a hole in the sidewalk. The walls are too steep and he can't climb out. A doctor walks by and the man calls out for help: "Doctor, I've fallen down into this hole and I can't climb out... can you help me?"
The doctor writes out a prescription, drops it into the hole and walks on. Next a priest walks by the hole. The man cries out: "Father, I've fallen into this hole and the walls are too steep to climb out... can you please help me?" The priest writes out a prayer on a piece of paper, drops it in the hole and goes on his way.
Finally, the man's friend walks by the hole. "Joe, I've fallen in this hole and can't get out... can you help me?" Joe immediately jumps down into the hole next to his friend. His friend yells out: "Joe, why did you jump into this hole with me... now we're both stuck."
Joe turns to his friend and says: "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."
I guess that's my problem; I'm usually Joe in this story and am unaccustomed to being the other guy...
VIEW 25 of 66 COMMENTS
very appropriate for you 2 install some words of wisdom from rollins
i was actually thinkin about asking him--does he think that possibly sharon tate's death could've been a planned ordeal(someone encountered manson and planted the idea in his head)--cuz someone in hollywood had it out for polanski?--the reason i bring it up is cuz rollins use 2 interview manson --he's i think actually wanted 2 get him on a blackflag recording
anyhoo--thats lovely that you've coupled--and look at the new yr as tidings of new beginnings--its yr of the dog baby--they say yr of justice--so lets sure hope that prevails--and when ya do feel miserable instead of grateful--just rent the pianist--it helps
and hey--i'd still luv 2 see ya here in santa cruz or sf--you could come do an interview for me on FRSC freakradiosantacruz--101.1--were on the web has freakradio
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