Lately, I've found myself listening to a lot of Tim Minchin. Quite a lot. Daily, if we're being honest.
"This is my body
And I live in it
It's thirty-one and six months old
It's changed a lot since it was new
It's done stuff it wasn't built to do
I often try to fill it up with wine
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me
This is my body
And it's fine
It's where I spend a vast majority of my time
It's not perfect, but it's mine
It's not perfect"
An excerpt from his song "Not Perfect," that I've taken up nearly as an anthem, lately.
Throughout my 30+ years here, I've made my way through just about every body-type possible. I went from a wisp of a child and hit an early growth spurt that grew me equally both directions. And while maintaining the few extra pounds throughout my teens, I later blew up to nearly 300 lbs. during the final year of my marriage/divorce. On a 5'9" frame, I was a walking disaster.
After a few years just getting by, I'd made the choice to actively do something about my situation. For both reasons of health [preventative measures] and that.. I just couldn't bear to look at myself. Over the last two or so years, I began moderating my intake at meals. Cutting sugar and processed foods. Started a light, daily workout routine and employ longer/heavier routines when my schedule allows. I've dropped down to fluctuating between 210 and 220, which I'm cautiously optimistic of... Mostly because I know how easy it is to slip back.
What's become hardest is battling the forms of BDD I face. On rare days, I can see what everyone else does. Or seem to. Sometimes, the only reflection is of those demons I have, and continue, to battle. That same face I stared at in the mirror for hours during some of the worst times, hating what I'd done.
Now - I'll never be a Bowie. A Prince. Peter Murphy. While it's a sampling of the men I find most attractive, I've always known that's not the body I've got to work with. I'm at peace with that fact. I'm also more accepting than I've ever been of where I am, and on the road to relearning the acceptance/positivity I'd lost so long ago. And know that be it one step, one issue, one day at a time - That the day will come I'm where I want to be, even if it's right where I [physically] am.
