I can't stick to a fucking journal entry tonight.
Killer for hire.
I physically had to stop myself from going to my ex-girlfriend's webpage to see what was up. I have an almost uncontrollable urge to do so. Her 21st is in ten days. I want to buy her something for it. I don't know why. I haven't talked to her since MY birthday. Knowing she was back in town while I was back in town pretty much ruined Christmas, as well.
But of everyone I know and have ever known and have ever met,
Get me away from here, I'm dying.
My friends downstairs, the ones content with Tactics Ogre RPGs and smoking cigerettes (hey, who am I to judge...) aren't so much my friends as they are my family. They're brothers to me more than my own 2 (half) brothers.
But they also get a less fun me, as I never can be my younger, goofier self around them. It's weird. I can't explain it. They're older, more mature. I wanna get my ya-yas out.
It's up to me now, turn on the bright lights.
All this shit and I'm jobless. Is it easier to enjoy life when you have a job and a steady stream of cash? I can't imagine that...I hate jobs. They stress me out. Whenever I'm not working, I'm worried they're gonna fire me over the phone any second. It's awful. The sense of dread feeling, that is.
And, come to think of it...
No jobs and no girlfriends has really brought the overwhelming sense of dread feeling way down, but my self esteem seems to have gone with it.
What a weird picture of me.
Killer for hire.
I physically had to stop myself from going to my ex-girlfriend's webpage to see what was up. I have an almost uncontrollable urge to do so. Her 21st is in ten days. I want to buy her something for it. I don't know why. I haven't talked to her since MY birthday. Knowing she was back in town while I was back in town pretty much ruined Christmas, as well.
But of everyone I know and have ever known and have ever met,
Get me away from here, I'm dying.
My friends downstairs, the ones content with Tactics Ogre RPGs and smoking cigerettes (hey, who am I to judge...) aren't so much my friends as they are my family. They're brothers to me more than my own 2 (half) brothers.
But they also get a less fun me, as I never can be my younger, goofier self around them. It's weird. I can't explain it. They're older, more mature. I wanna get my ya-yas out.
It's up to me now, turn on the bright lights.
All this shit and I'm jobless. Is it easier to enjoy life when you have a job and a steady stream of cash? I can't imagine that...I hate jobs. They stress me out. Whenever I'm not working, I'm worried they're gonna fire me over the phone any second. It's awful. The sense of dread feeling, that is.
And, come to think of it...
No jobs and no girlfriends has really brought the overwhelming sense of dread feeling way down, but my self esteem seems to have gone with it.
What a weird picture of me.
VIEW 25 of 58 COMMENTS
Ahhh, to sit and play strategy/rpgs and rpgs and smoke. If I was still in school, I could see myself doing that. Hell, I don't even smoke. I guess it's some sort of fucked up fantasy. Having the summer off, sleeping in, playing games all day (like Final Fantasy IX, Disgaea, Skies of Arcadia etc.) while chain smoking, then going out at night. Maybe have a part time job where I work 2 days a week. A return to slackerhood and not caring about anything except gaining levels, finding special items and getting a buzz. Maybe I can do that if I get laid off.
I don't smoke, but these are my version of cigarettes.
may I call you that by the way? I kind of like it for you. it suits you very well.
so anyway bennifer I love that picture of you. it's very brown. does that make sense?
but I've come to make amends. I was just looking through your past entries and I really have missed a lot. stop updating so much. haha. but I learned a few things...that you were really sad, then you were really happy, you had a great time at the SGNY event, you felt rejuvenated, but then you felt like shit all over again.
I think some counseling and medication is in order for you bennifer. how about it? why don't you look into it? I know a few people who suffer from depression and they swear by a lot of shit that has helped them. something...anything...might help you as well.
I just think it's a good option for you mainly because it would help you get out of this financial rut you are in as well.
but let me not harp on it. I'll tell you why I was gone this weekend. my best friend from NY was visiting me. it was great. except for saturday when we were excluded from another friend's birthday festivities. pretty much because my friend was going to be there. how fucking rude! and my friend is so awesome and social she would've blended right in. they met her later though and the confessed later that they love her and kind of regretted not having us come along...
but fuck that. it's too late. they really rubbed me the wrong way with that shit. you know? anyway, her and I had a great time. we did silly girl things like go to the mall, watch movies, eat! and cuddle every night before going to sleep. hee hee.
so overall, great weekend!
I just realized not much else has been going on. so this is a mini whopper I guess.