endedben

hi ben!

I'm typing this, after having taken an hour-long nap! what the fuck!? I think it's because I'm having anxiety over a kind of frightening situation and it's seriously sapping me of my energy. after I finish typing this, I need to somehow finish cleaning the fuck up. I can't just be a slug all day, can I?

never mind. don't answer that. you'd just say it was ok, you slug. (haha just kidding.) I feel ok being mean to you, as I know the only day of the year you might ever be truly nice to me is on my birthday.

before I tell you what's got me shitting bricks, I'll tell you about that nightmare. I was at my house and sunny was visiting me. I know, isn't that cool? anyway, she was here and we were chillin' and we looked at SG for some reason and I noticed you had gone grey. SG was different, as it showed your last journal entry, which was something like 'it's that time' and you had a pictures of the date january 1, 2006. isn't that fucking weird? anyway, I proceeded to buy you a gift membership, because I just can't deal if you're not on SG. sunny was all like ew. yeah I know you hate that, but she's so fond of ew'ing everything. have no clue why she'd even 'ew' me, as you are one of her favorite people.

so that was my nightmare. it was a good dream. the only nightmare part was that you were grey. eek!

ok well I hope that was at least funny. I'm not sure I'm any good at typing out these long comments anymore. before they were to make you laugh or feel good about yourself, but these days I'm so nervous around you that I don't even know what to say to you, other than yell at you, of course.

here is my scary situation: on saturday night, I met a guy. he was a great dancer and everything and we danced for two hours straight and I came out of the club with we hair, but I knew right away he's not relationship material and that he was strictly just a fun dancer and maybe even just a club ho. he got my number by very cleverly stealing my cell phone and dialing his number into it. voila! just like that, he scored the digits. I was too drunk to care, plus I figured hey it's just a cell phone. I can easily ignore that shit.

well, he called me three times the very same night and he called on sunday. I actually talked to him on sunday and told him I'd call him back later, but he proceeded to call me 7 or 8 times, including once this morning at 7a.m. he's called several or more times throughout the day, but it's been so many times already that I lost count. so from 2-3 pm I napped. I feel like hiding, ben. what do I do? I hate this. I don't like the guy, but he's suffering from the crazies and I hate having to be mean to people.

moreover, this is so typical. the one guy I truly like won't call me. and don't ask who the one guy is, because I'll never tell you. anyway, I get losers like this who call me. no one worthwhile. it just gets me to wonder that maybe I deserve absolutely nothing good in this world. I love my freedom, but I also like being in love, but it just seems like it's not in the cards for me. I either bag guys who treat me like crap, ignore me, blow me off or guys who are insane. I'd prefer neither of these options. what's your theory on all of this? or maybe you have no theory at all, which is just as well. this was good way for me to blow off steam.

this turned a little whiny and you probably wanted/expected something more fun, but this shit's got me on edge, man. by the way, hidden in these paragraphs will be this piece of new: I finally dropped kevin bacon (clubs baby seals, etc.). he tried to start shit with me again. I don't know why he continued to be my friend, seeing how very little he actually liked me as a person. you know? maybe he just liked to have someone to pick on.

so I'm going to the dominican republic soon. I'm very excited. we're going to punta cana. alas it will only be for 5 days. shucks. when are you coming back to the east coast again, by the way? I mean, after this upcoming visit. do you think it might be soonish? will you ever come to cape cod? will you ever move here!?

um yeah ok, I really need to get going now. on top of my stalker anxiety, I now have anxiety over all the things I still have left to do. bye benny ben ben. ♥