You're not going to believe this... [must read]
So today, I get up, get dressed, you know the whole usual rigmarole. I'm excited, you wouldn't believe how freaking excited I was, I'm going to get a job today! You know the whole positive attitude. I get dressed in my nicest clothes, my hair's looking so smooth that I could probably pick up anyone I wanted, but what do I do? I decide for my own personal well-being and confidence that I need a job. After all, it will make me feel better about myself right? Not to mention I'll have some money in my pocket. So despite my spiffy clothes and rockin' hair I blow off the chicas for a day in search of the greater good.
The fact that it's hot out and I'm sweating just adds to the nervousness that I've been feeling the past few weeks or so when starting my car--it's been sounding very angry--*vroom, pitter pitter pitter, dies*. But today, it started magnificently, it sounded like a freakin' viper. I could feel the power running through my veins. Destiny was with me boys. I was going to get a job, and the way things were going I was going to meet a beautiful lady at the same time, maybe that beautiful lady would be my boss and require my, um, "service" daily.
So anyway, I pull out my driveway, grab my mail (the mailbox is at the end of my long driveway, and see as to I'm a lazy fuck I always check it when I'm on the way out)--nothing special just a few coupons and solicitations that will inevitably fuck up my credit given my propensity for the booze and other extravagances. If only I hadn't maxed out that 10K on that trip to Mexico, my life would be in much better shape... c'est la vie...
OK, so to get to the point. As I pull out of my driveway, I hear the most horrible sound ever to cross a man's ears. I can't really describe it aside from saying that it sounded somewhat like a kindergartener falling from the cross beams screeching and smashing their face into a street curb. Oh yeah, plus a whole lot of crunching of bones. Suffice it to say, it was probably one of the worst freaking sounds I have ever heard in my life. My heart jumped into my throat and a feeling of absolute dread washed over my entire being. Remember kiddies, I hate death, I won't even kill an ant. If I find one anywhere, I put in on my hand bring it outside and release it back into the wild so that it will find a better place. Now, just imagine the absolute dread and horror that I felt when I realized I had run over my neighbor's cat! Immediately, tears began to well up into my eyes as I began to convulse horribly. It was absolutely terrible. I felt like I was dreaming. No way karma could dispense on me such a horrible fate!
It wasn't true, it was a dream. I refused to believe it, determined to continue my good luck I jumped back in my car determined to make the best of my nice clothes and suave looking hair. After all, I could inform my neighbor when I got back, what's the difference? It's not as if that cat was going to be revived. It was dead--dead, dead, dead. I mean come on...I didn't know what to do, so I determined to make the best of my day and forget it till later. Again, at the end of the day, if I had a job it may mitigate me having to tell my poor neighbor. So, I look around--nobody saw a thing--jumped back in my car, and started to slowly pull away.
I hadn't made it half way down the freaking fucking street when I hear the dreaded sound of police sirens! Yes, I was being pulled over. Apparently my horrendous act had been eye-witnessed--by a cop nonetheless. If I thought my day was lucky, I had undeniably been assured otherwise. Not only did I feel horrible about my life-taking act, but now I was to feel the heat from an authority that I absolutely hated. The police officer goes through the usual motions asking for my license, registration, insurance, etc... Did he not see me run over that cat? Maybe I was just getting pulled over for an expired registration. No, it couldn't be that, I just got my car registered a few months ago. I bad light? Perhaps, I've always had horrible luck with such things. But NO! The cop had witnessed my horrible act, and he apparently didn't think too much of the fact that I decided to move on in my job hunt. Woe to me!
Do you know who's cat that was that you ran over son? Yes sir, it's my neighbors cat. Don't you think you'd do well to inform her that you killed her cat? Well, yes sir, but you see, I've been having such a good day.... Well, I think you'd better inform her now despite whatever you feel is best. After all, you'll feel better if you get it out of the way. Not feeling like being arrested on some bullshit charges (unfortunately I've had to deal with that bullshit before) I agree with the officer. He tells me he'll wait to make sure that I don't try and "cop out" of my commitment. The irony kills me.
Shaking, half-crying, and just mostly terrified I stumble upon my neighbor's doorstep. Never have I ever had such an existential experience as when I rang that doorbell. I few moments passed, nothing happened, nobody answered the doorbell. For a moment, I felt a sense of relief. Was I to get out of this wretched task so easily? I turn to look at the cop, he motions to ring the bell again. I do so in utter fear. Moments later an old lady answers the door asking what I want. Absolutely trembling I tell her I have run over her cat. She doesn't seem phased, for a moment I don't feel quite so terrible, but THEN, she goes on to tell me that her cat was like her sister and that she was the only thing she lived for. Completely stupefied, I utter the first thing to cross my feeble mind... "I'll do anything to make it up to you". She stares back at me with absolute hatred. I'm ready for her to pounce on me and strangle me to death and instead she replies "you can give me twenty dollars." For real, twenty dollars! I'm elated to some extent (granted I just took a life, but damn). Am I to get out of this somewhat guilt free for the price of twenty dollars? I can't help myself, but I feel relieved, a weight has been entirely lifted from my conscience, my soul.
I run to my car, grab my wallet and a twenty dollar bill (thank fucking God I had that twenty), and handed it to the old lady with a sense of shame that I'm not sure I'll ever get over. Twenty dollars for a life? But I can't let it phase me, I'm going to make the best of this day. After all, my hair hasn't looked this good in forever. The next thing I know the cop practically knocks me off my feet as he rushes past me. I look up to find him placing the old lady under arrest! Obviously astonished, I'm ready to bum-rush this fascist prick. He's arresting this old lady for my wretched trespasses? But before I unleash in a torrid of emotion I gain composure and ask him what in the hell gives him the right to arrest this poor lady. Specifically, I ask him "Why are on earth are you arresting this woman, what possible trespasses could you imagine?" He turned to me and said with all seriousness...
So today, I get up, get dressed, you know the whole usual rigmarole. I'm excited, you wouldn't believe how freaking excited I was, I'm going to get a job today! You know the whole positive attitude. I get dressed in my nicest clothes, my hair's looking so smooth that I could probably pick up anyone I wanted, but what do I do? I decide for my own personal well-being and confidence that I need a job. After all, it will make me feel better about myself right? Not to mention I'll have some money in my pocket. So despite my spiffy clothes and rockin' hair I blow off the chicas for a day in search of the greater good.
The fact that it's hot out and I'm sweating just adds to the nervousness that I've been feeling the past few weeks or so when starting my car--it's been sounding very angry--*vroom, pitter pitter pitter, dies*. But today, it started magnificently, it sounded like a freakin' viper. I could feel the power running through my veins. Destiny was with me boys. I was going to get a job, and the way things were going I was going to meet a beautiful lady at the same time, maybe that beautiful lady would be my boss and require my, um, "service" daily.
So anyway, I pull out my driveway, grab my mail (the mailbox is at the end of my long driveway, and see as to I'm a lazy fuck I always check it when I'm on the way out)--nothing special just a few coupons and solicitations that will inevitably fuck up my credit given my propensity for the booze and other extravagances. If only I hadn't maxed out that 10K on that trip to Mexico, my life would be in much better shape... c'est la vie...
OK, so to get to the point. As I pull out of my driveway, I hear the most horrible sound ever to cross a man's ears. I can't really describe it aside from saying that it sounded somewhat like a kindergartener falling from the cross beams screeching and smashing their face into a street curb. Oh yeah, plus a whole lot of crunching of bones. Suffice it to say, it was probably one of the worst freaking sounds I have ever heard in my life. My heart jumped into my throat and a feeling of absolute dread washed over my entire being. Remember kiddies, I hate death, I won't even kill an ant. If I find one anywhere, I put in on my hand bring it outside and release it back into the wild so that it will find a better place. Now, just imagine the absolute dread and horror that I felt when I realized I had run over my neighbor's cat! Immediately, tears began to well up into my eyes as I began to convulse horribly. It was absolutely terrible. I felt like I was dreaming. No way karma could dispense on me such a horrible fate!
It wasn't true, it was a dream. I refused to believe it, determined to continue my good luck I jumped back in my car determined to make the best of my nice clothes and suave looking hair. After all, I could inform my neighbor when I got back, what's the difference? It's not as if that cat was going to be revived. It was dead--dead, dead, dead. I mean come on...I didn't know what to do, so I determined to make the best of my day and forget it till later. Again, at the end of the day, if I had a job it may mitigate me having to tell my poor neighbor. So, I look around--nobody saw a thing--jumped back in my car, and started to slowly pull away.
I hadn't made it half way down the freaking fucking street when I hear the dreaded sound of police sirens! Yes, I was being pulled over. Apparently my horrendous act had been eye-witnessed--by a cop nonetheless. If I thought my day was lucky, I had undeniably been assured otherwise. Not only did I feel horrible about my life-taking act, but now I was to feel the heat from an authority that I absolutely hated. The police officer goes through the usual motions asking for my license, registration, insurance, etc... Did he not see me run over that cat? Maybe I was just getting pulled over for an expired registration. No, it couldn't be that, I just got my car registered a few months ago. I bad light? Perhaps, I've always had horrible luck with such things. But NO! The cop had witnessed my horrible act, and he apparently didn't think too much of the fact that I decided to move on in my job hunt. Woe to me!
Do you know who's cat that was that you ran over son? Yes sir, it's my neighbors cat. Don't you think you'd do well to inform her that you killed her cat? Well, yes sir, but you see, I've been having such a good day.... Well, I think you'd better inform her now despite whatever you feel is best. After all, you'll feel better if you get it out of the way. Not feeling like being arrested on some bullshit charges (unfortunately I've had to deal with that bullshit before) I agree with the officer. He tells me he'll wait to make sure that I don't try and "cop out" of my commitment. The irony kills me.
Shaking, half-crying, and just mostly terrified I stumble upon my neighbor's doorstep. Never have I ever had such an existential experience as when I rang that doorbell. I few moments passed, nothing happened, nobody answered the doorbell. For a moment, I felt a sense of relief. Was I to get out of this wretched task so easily? I turn to look at the cop, he motions to ring the bell again. I do so in utter fear. Moments later an old lady answers the door asking what I want. Absolutely trembling I tell her I have run over her cat. She doesn't seem phased, for a moment I don't feel quite so terrible, but THEN, she goes on to tell me that her cat was like her sister and that she was the only thing she lived for. Completely stupefied, I utter the first thing to cross my feeble mind... "I'll do anything to make it up to you". She stares back at me with absolute hatred. I'm ready for her to pounce on me and strangle me to death and instead she replies "you can give me twenty dollars." For real, twenty dollars! I'm elated to some extent (granted I just took a life, but damn). Am I to get out of this somewhat guilt free for the price of twenty dollars? I can't help myself, but I feel relieved, a weight has been entirely lifted from my conscience, my soul.
I run to my car, grab my wallet and a twenty dollar bill (thank fucking God I had that twenty), and handed it to the old lady with a sense of shame that I'm not sure I'll ever get over. Twenty dollars for a life? But I can't let it phase me, I'm going to make the best of this day. After all, my hair hasn't looked this good in forever. The next thing I know the cop practically knocks me off my feet as he rushes past me. I look up to find him placing the old lady under arrest! Obviously astonished, I'm ready to bum-rush this fascist prick. He's arresting this old lady for my wretched trespasses? But before I unleash in a torrid of emotion I gain composure and ask him what in the hell gives him the right to arrest this poor lady. Specifically, I ask him "Why are on earth are you arresting this woman, what possible trespasses could you imagine?" He turned to me and said with all seriousness...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our manner of life...is to rob, plunder and murder those who resist. Our revenues depend on ransoms levied in those provinces that we invade. Those who value their lives can buy peace and quiet by heavy tribute. Therefore, if the Lord Legate wishes to dwell at unity with us then let him do like the rest of the world--that is to say, pay!, pay!, pay!