Saturday Jun 19, 2004

0
I feel like...
a failure
a copycat
lame lame lame
nothing. I will never amount to anything, or gain the respect of the people around me, or be cool enough or pretty enough or witty enough or smart enough or whatever the fuck enough for anyone.

I am so emo.

E is right, I give up too easily. I just complain and never try to make anything better.

I just want to be that person. I want to be IN or SCENE or whatever it is that everyone is. Except for me. I am always on the outside.

Why cant it be 4th grade again? I had so many cool friends and we were cool together. With each other, we were unstoppable. We could do anything, and no matter what happened, life was an adventure.

Now, its Monkey In The Middle, and Im always the stupid monkey. Everyone keeps me there, its like a big game to them. And I play right into it, I try so hard.

I am fickle. E is fickle. Maybe we both are fickle, and have no idea what we want or who we want or anything. But, somehow we manage to hurt each other and everyone else along the way. I hate it, and I hate myself, and I hate her.

I dont really hate her, I just hate how she acts 80% of the time. But I hate how I act 100% of the time. Seems like a winning trade. I am overthinking things again.

At least she has friends, and B. I have no one. I have effectively alienated all of my psudo-friends, and cant even pretend to be cool and hot and whatever like them anymore. Like it ever worked in the first place...

I am so alone.

I am a failure. I am not in school, I have no job, and I do nothing with my time and my life besides re-tagging my music library and watching ghey(stolen word) musicals. And drink. Drink drunk then drink some more. gah. I am a ho.

People are poison. No one is good for anyone, ever. I just get hurt or hurt someone every second of every day. Maybe I am just too sensitive. I just miss my old friends and my old life. I want to go back and start fresh. Maybe I want to go away and come back with everything straightened out, and ask for second chances. I can do better. I promise. I miss my family I want to go home.

You have now effectively destroyed every ounce of confidence that may have once existed for me.

I knew I didnt want to go to that fucking show.
jonnytrrrash7:
jeez, what fucking show did you go to that could trigger this meltdown (tell me so i can avoid at all cost!) why don't you save all your money and get the hell out of dodge....and on your way home please stop here so i can give you a hug, jeez.............we'll watch musicals and commiserate...........ended up ditching the dead tix and turned that money into more records, maybe i should have procured you a ticket outta town.......ps i don't think you're a failure, you're just having a really hard time...
tinyelvis:
Keep the chin up camper! The only person that lives your WHOLE life is you. YOU. You are the only one that can make changes. Decisions are up to you. Simple. Now, it's the tuff part. Sticking to your decsions. Feeling good inside is tuff. It's an every day thing. For me, feeling good about myself is tuff. I've come to the point where I really don't give a shit what others think. That is also scary. Being young is going to be scary. But, you have all the right tools to make it. I sound like a camp counslor.... Just keep your head up and focus on the important things in life. Making yourself feel good inside!

Luv
E

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