emma35

i have been thinking a lot about the past. I must have been the biggest pain in the ass to raise. I have blocked out a lot of my past because I find it inconceivable that at the tender age of 16, yes, that was me doing acid during school and smoking pot between classes. I was the one who lost her virginity in my church to some asshole drug addict that I hope I never see again. And before that, sneaking my dad's beer and liquor, and finding bullets and keeping them (later to be found by my parents who then freaked out.) I was sneaking out of the house at night to go to the lake and drink and do drugs and all of this was just me trying to escape. But I don't see what was so bad I felt I needed to escape in the first place.



And now, here I am twenty years old, (the oldest 20.) and so so tired of everything. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't need to sneak out. I have all the freedom in the world, and I am more conservative than ever. Those horrible years are what made me who I am, but I just want to block them out forever. I don't want to remember. I want to have it erased. I want a spotless mind for the teenage years.

So this is the means of my confession, this journal...and me so pathetic at 11:40 (way past my bed time...) pm writing out all this stupid crap because I picked up a year book. I picked up my 10th grade year book. That was the year that everything just got so fucked up for me. And all the while, I had support and encouragement....I had random, who was drug and alcohol free....he was always there but never judged me. And I had my mom and dad, but I was too far gone to be reached by them. I wish random and me had of hooked up before I met my awful first (real) boyfriend. Maybe I would even be a better person if it had of happened that way. I don't know. What if ? right....

I have this ring random gave me after we'd been dating maybe a year? I can't remember, you see my memory isn't so great. I don't really know what it means. I twist it around my finger when i'm nervous, or anxious about something. Which is a lot. I am a very shy person sometimes, and I find myself doing this and fidgeting constantly.

I gave my boss my two weeks notice yesterday. I twisted my ring the entire time. It was hard to tell her I was leaving and that I didn't really have a good reason except..."erm...um....well I don't really HAVE to work, and uh umm " yes. nicely put emily.

so yeah...that is just some of what was going on in my head after I looked through that year book.

anyway....



I'm going to the beach tommorow. yesssssssssssssssss.

my boss is still a dumb cunt.

I start my REAL job on monday. CNA at the hospital! awesome.

Saturday I am playing in my first golf tournament. Wish me luck!

and...

I am sad because I haven't had any good cuddling or making out for a long time now. A whole month. That is a long time for no lovin from my man. and there are two more months to go before I return to the great state of oklahoma--that I never thought I'd miss. but I do. and I miss bowling. and I miss a lot of things. I know there was a reason I came out here. I am hoping I figure that out before it's time to go back.


Hope everyone is having a kickass summer.