I just wrote the longest email of my life to my dad. Wow wow wow, I can't believe I just did that.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Hi dad, how are you? I hope you're well and had a good birthday. Did you like the Bears "card" I sent you? This is a message for both you and mom, so make sure she reads this as well.
So since this is the new year I'd like to get off to a fresh start. I have vowed to keep all of my resolutions for this year, and one of them-the one that is most important to me-is to be true to myself, and true to my friends and family. Meaning, to be more honest about who I am. I was inspired to do this after Amanda and I sat down and communicated openly about the problems we've had with our friendship, and after clearing the air we both felt much better. Amazing, actually, and it has had a profound effect on our relationship. Since then I have made it a point to be honest with everyone, and to only say what I truly feel instead of making up excuses or lies, and it has been extremely liberating. So, I've decided to confess to you and mom some things I haven't been honest about. I have been keeping secrets long enough, and not only do I feel like it's eating my soul but I also feel that it has caused a major block in our communication. I've realized that I have developed resentments against people, including my loved ones, for not accepting the real me. But I realized that it's unfair of me to feel this way, because unless I reveal myself wholly for you to see, how am I to judge you for not accepting me? I don't want to continue down this path of dishonesty, resentment, and lack of communication. You may not approve of all the choices I have made, and you probably will feel hurt by the fact that I have lied. I apologize in advance if you are upset. Please understand that this puts me in a very vulnerable state, and that this is a very difficult thing for me to do because I don't know what the outcome will be. I am doing this in hopes to make room for more love and a closer relationship with you both. All I ask is that you respect my wishes, and accept for who I am as a person regardless of our differences. OK, sorry for being so long winded...here goes.
1.I have been lying to you about where I work. I am so so sorry, but I made up all that stuff about working in Reynoldsburg at some place called George's grille or whatever. It doesn't even exist! I was so worried about what you would think of me that I went to extreme lengths to hide the truth. I have been working at a gentleman's club. I am NOT stripping. I have been asked to, I said absolutely not, and they never bothered me about it again. I cocktail and occasionally bartend at a place called Dreamgirls. I LOVE my job. My schedule is extremely flexible, I am respected by everyone including the management, and I make excellent money. I have never felt uncomfortable or compromised, and if a customer is rude I get to tell them off instead of smile and take it like any other place I've worked at. (I always found that to be so degrading; ironically, working at a stripclub is the least degrading job I have ever had.) Don't worry, I don't dress in skimpy outfits or anything like that. We have a uniform, (black Dreamgirls t-shirt with a black skirt that hits mid-thigh and sneakers,) and we have awesome security that doesn't let any of us leave till the parking lot has been clear for 10 minutes, and even then we are escorted by van to our cars so that no one can follow us home. It's the most fun and easy job I have ever had, and yes there are some shady parts to it considering what the environment is, but the pros far outweigh the cons. I'd even say that it has helped me improve as a person, because I have developed a thicker skin and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself anymore, which is a problem I have had my whole life. So, although I know it doesn't sound like the ideal job, and I have a feeling that you aren't liking it despite all the good things I have said, it is exactly what I need right now. It is a means to an end, nothing more. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask, because I want to be able to talk about my job like a normal job, not like something I need to hide.
2. You may have already guessed this one...I have a tattoo. *plugs ears and ducks behind the computer chair* Yup, it's true. I have kept it well hidden for years, mom hasn't seen it, even with all those years of fittings. I got it done when I was 18, partly because I love tattooes and partly out of spite. (I admit that did play a small role in my decision.) I know you will never understand it, but I really, really love tattoos. I think making a piece of art that is meaningful enough to put on your skin forever is absolutely beautiful. Ask anyone who has a tattoo (unless it's some cheesy one they picked off a wall; I'm talking about a well designed, personal tattoo,) if they regret it and I am 99% sure they will say no. Tattoos are an expression of who a person is, what their values are, where they have been and who they were at the time they got it. I don't think it's wrong to personalize your body, just like people personalize their cars. I know some people who say they never felt beautiful until they had their bodies covered in art, so it can be therapeutic as well. Nate and I plan on getting matching tattooes in remembrance of Elaine, to feel like she is still with us at all times. (I'm going to get her first name, Joy, with a little farie above it on my shoulderblade.
Please understand it is a personal choice and something I enjoy dearly, and not an attempt to make you mad. I know you don't like them, and we can't help that we disagree on it, but I really hope that we can get past something so small. I plan on getting a few...nothing big, nothing blatantly noticeable or in bad taste. But personal art that I find beautiful and want to be a part of my body.
Still love me? Okay, good.
3. I'm not sure how you're going to feel about this one, and I'm not even sure why I'm telling you, but...I smoke pot. On a regular basis. I resisted it for years, I lectured all of my friends in high school who smoked pot, (which was every single one of them,) and I let my prejudice against it ruin some of my relationships. It was a big source of turbulence when Nate and I started dating, and I almost broke up with him because of it. Luckily Nate made me realize that it's not fair to judge something or someone for something that I really knew nothing about except that it was "bad." So to save our relationship I decided to try to see things from his point of view, which eventually led me to trying it. I'm very happy I did because we're still together, and I've made a lot of friends I wouldn't have gotten along with before. I didn't start smoking regularly till I moved to Columbus and worked with a bunch of hippies at Whole World. I know I don't have to explain to you that it's not dangerous, because I know you guys are smart enough to realize that all it does is make you giggly, mellow, ravenous with the munchies, introspective, and maybe a little paranoid every now and then. I'm very careful with how I use it, I don't smoke out in public or drive while under the influence. (I did that a couple times and decided it was a really dumb thing to do.) I don't think it will be a lifelong habit. I guess the reason I'm telling you this is because I have a feeling that you guys were stoners in a past life(??) and I'd love it if we could talk openly about it. If not, at least I feel better knowing that it's no longer a secret. Oh, and just to be clear I have never smoked in your house out of respect.
4. While I'm on the subject, I had one summer, in 2006, when I experimented with other drugs. Mostly hallucinogens, like psychadelic mushrooms. I had a few good times, and a couple bad times, and I got it out of my system. I'm pretty sure I'm done with it and will never do it again, but I can't promise. Studies have shown that a "trip" every few years can actually be very beneficial psychologically, and I agree. I learned a lot during that time and got a whole new perspective on life. But it will never be an issue with me; I'm just not that kind of person. I feel like I'm getting too old for that kind of stuff, anyway.
5. I swear like a sailor, but you knew that already.
There you have it. I don't know how you're feeling now, but I can guess that you are shocked, probably displeased or dissapointed, maybe worried. Or maybe you aren't, maybe you aren't surprised at all. Whatever you feel, please let this sink in before responding. I am asking you to try to accept me and all my flaws and the decisions I've made, because that is who I am and I can't continue to feel guilty about it any longer. I do my best to keep an open mind and a loving heart toward you both, and accept you despite your flaws and mistakes. I am also asking you to trust me, and believe me when I say I am happy with my life and the path I have chosen, and that I am mature enough to make good decisions that are right for me. I may slip up here and there, but you know, that's human nature. I love you both very much, and I want to be able to share my life with you. I fear that if I don't I will begin to shut you out, and that would really, really suck. So here's to love and truth; I hope that it conquers all.
Love,
Me
So since this is the new year I'd like to get off to a fresh start. I have vowed to keep all of my resolutions for this year, and one of them-the one that is most important to me-is to be true to myself, and true to my friends and family. Meaning, to be more honest about who I am. I was inspired to do this after Amanda and I sat down and communicated openly about the problems we've had with our friendship, and after clearing the air we both felt much better. Amazing, actually, and it has had a profound effect on our relationship. Since then I have made it a point to be honest with everyone, and to only say what I truly feel instead of making up excuses or lies, and it has been extremely liberating. So, I've decided to confess to you and mom some things I haven't been honest about. I have been keeping secrets long enough, and not only do I feel like it's eating my soul but I also feel that it has caused a major block in our communication. I've realized that I have developed resentments against people, including my loved ones, for not accepting the real me. But I realized that it's unfair of me to feel this way, because unless I reveal myself wholly for you to see, how am I to judge you for not accepting me? I don't want to continue down this path of dishonesty, resentment, and lack of communication. You may not approve of all the choices I have made, and you probably will feel hurt by the fact that I have lied. I apologize in advance if you are upset. Please understand that this puts me in a very vulnerable state, and that this is a very difficult thing for me to do because I don't know what the outcome will be. I am doing this in hopes to make room for more love and a closer relationship with you both. All I ask is that you respect my wishes, and accept for who I am as a person regardless of our differences. OK, sorry for being so long winded...here goes.
1.I have been lying to you about where I work. I am so so sorry, but I made up all that stuff about working in Reynoldsburg at some place called George's grille or whatever. It doesn't even exist! I was so worried about what you would think of me that I went to extreme lengths to hide the truth. I have been working at a gentleman's club. I am NOT stripping. I have been asked to, I said absolutely not, and they never bothered me about it again. I cocktail and occasionally bartend at a place called Dreamgirls. I LOVE my job. My schedule is extremely flexible, I am respected by everyone including the management, and I make excellent money. I have never felt uncomfortable or compromised, and if a customer is rude I get to tell them off instead of smile and take it like any other place I've worked at. (I always found that to be so degrading; ironically, working at a stripclub is the least degrading job I have ever had.) Don't worry, I don't dress in skimpy outfits or anything like that. We have a uniform, (black Dreamgirls t-shirt with a black skirt that hits mid-thigh and sneakers,) and we have awesome security that doesn't let any of us leave till the parking lot has been clear for 10 minutes, and even then we are escorted by van to our cars so that no one can follow us home. It's the most fun and easy job I have ever had, and yes there are some shady parts to it considering what the environment is, but the pros far outweigh the cons. I'd even say that it has helped me improve as a person, because I have developed a thicker skin and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself anymore, which is a problem I have had my whole life. So, although I know it doesn't sound like the ideal job, and I have a feeling that you aren't liking it despite all the good things I have said, it is exactly what I need right now. It is a means to an end, nothing more. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask, because I want to be able to talk about my job like a normal job, not like something I need to hide.
2. You may have already guessed this one...I have a tattoo. *plugs ears and ducks behind the computer chair* Yup, it's true. I have kept it well hidden for years, mom hasn't seen it, even with all those years of fittings. I got it done when I was 18, partly because I love tattooes and partly out of spite. (I admit that did play a small role in my decision.) I know you will never understand it, but I really, really love tattoos. I think making a piece of art that is meaningful enough to put on your skin forever is absolutely beautiful. Ask anyone who has a tattoo (unless it's some cheesy one they picked off a wall; I'm talking about a well designed, personal tattoo,) if they regret it and I am 99% sure they will say no. Tattoos are an expression of who a person is, what their values are, where they have been and who they were at the time they got it. I don't think it's wrong to personalize your body, just like people personalize their cars. I know some people who say they never felt beautiful until they had their bodies covered in art, so it can be therapeutic as well. Nate and I plan on getting matching tattooes in remembrance of Elaine, to feel like she is still with us at all times. (I'm going to get her first name, Joy, with a little farie above it on my shoulderblade.
Please understand it is a personal choice and something I enjoy dearly, and not an attempt to make you mad. I know you don't like them, and we can't help that we disagree on it, but I really hope that we can get past something so small. I plan on getting a few...nothing big, nothing blatantly noticeable or in bad taste. But personal art that I find beautiful and want to be a part of my body.Still love me? Okay, good.
3. I'm not sure how you're going to feel about this one, and I'm not even sure why I'm telling you, but...I smoke pot. On a regular basis. I resisted it for years, I lectured all of my friends in high school who smoked pot, (which was every single one of them,) and I let my prejudice against it ruin some of my relationships. It was a big source of turbulence when Nate and I started dating, and I almost broke up with him because of it. Luckily Nate made me realize that it's not fair to judge something or someone for something that I really knew nothing about except that it was "bad." So to save our relationship I decided to try to see things from his point of view, which eventually led me to trying it. I'm very happy I did because we're still together, and I've made a lot of friends I wouldn't have gotten along with before. I didn't start smoking regularly till I moved to Columbus and worked with a bunch of hippies at Whole World. I know I don't have to explain to you that it's not dangerous, because I know you guys are smart enough to realize that all it does is make you giggly, mellow, ravenous with the munchies, introspective, and maybe a little paranoid every now and then. I'm very careful with how I use it, I don't smoke out in public or drive while under the influence. (I did that a couple times and decided it was a really dumb thing to do.) I don't think it will be a lifelong habit. I guess the reason I'm telling you this is because I have a feeling that you guys were stoners in a past life(??) and I'd love it if we could talk openly about it. If not, at least I feel better knowing that it's no longer a secret. Oh, and just to be clear I have never smoked in your house out of respect.
4. While I'm on the subject, I had one summer, in 2006, when I experimented with other drugs. Mostly hallucinogens, like psychadelic mushrooms. I had a few good times, and a couple bad times, and I got it out of my system. I'm pretty sure I'm done with it and will never do it again, but I can't promise. Studies have shown that a "trip" every few years can actually be very beneficial psychologically, and I agree. I learned a lot during that time and got a whole new perspective on life. But it will never be an issue with me; I'm just not that kind of person. I feel like I'm getting too old for that kind of stuff, anyway.
5. I swear like a sailor, but you knew that already.
There you have it. I don't know how you're feeling now, but I can guess that you are shocked, probably displeased or dissapointed, maybe worried. Or maybe you aren't, maybe you aren't surprised at all. Whatever you feel, please let this sink in before responding. I am asking you to try to accept me and all my flaws and the decisions I've made, because that is who I am and I can't continue to feel guilty about it any longer. I do my best to keep an open mind and a loving heart toward you both, and accept you despite your flaws and mistakes. I am also asking you to trust me, and believe me when I say I am happy with my life and the path I have chosen, and that I am mature enough to make good decisions that are right for me. I may slip up here and there, but you know, that's human nature. I love you both very much, and I want to be able to share my life with you. I fear that if I don't I will begin to shut you out, and that would really, really suck. So here's to love and truth; I hope that it conquers all.
Love,
Me
If you read all of that, tell me: am I nuts? I just told my dad EVERYTHING a father wouldn't want to know.
Okay, I lied about not being a stripper....for good reason. My super-conservative parents would kill themselves if they knew. And if you think that defeats the purpose, well, whatever. You don't know my parents. The fact that I told them I have a tattoo is MAJOR.
I'm getting this year off to quite a start. This will be the year when everything changes for the better, the year that I take control of my life.
Wish me luck!
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
You might be tempted to make full disclosure to your dad at an emotional moment (or not, I don't know you). It is probably an emotional burden for your to keep this secret, and an angry conversation might lead you to reveal the truth in the heat of the moment. Doing that would underscore just how much keeping this secret has made you unhappy, which might put some pressure on your dad to accept it.
But I would avoid that for as long as possible, and try to build your case.
But now that I think about it, you probably told your Dad about points 2-5 as a kind of distraction from point #1. Point number one was the thing that really matters to you, but by adding points 2-5 (swearing, the tattoo, smoking pot, etc.), you have presented the letter as a general confession, when it is really about point number one (not that I am denying that your parents would also disapprove of points 2-5). It is to stop Dad from speculating about point number one too much, and so that your letter could come across as plausibly just a general confession of relatively minor sins. If you had just written point number one, Dad would REALLY suspect you are stripping a lot, but with points 2-5 tacked on at the end, he probably just suspects it somewhat.
I actually think your letter is kind of brilliant really. Hope I haven't offended, but again, I find what you did terribly fascinating. Why does no one else find this letter fascinating? Where are all the other long analyses of your letter? Get with it people!