I miss this girl.
I can't believe it's almost been 2 months since I last saw her alive. Life was so much more fun when she was around. Sometimes I feel really angry, I'm so fucking pissed that I can't call her up just to say "Hey, you know what? You're fucking awesome and I love you." I want to tell her that so bad. I want to tell her how much she means to me and to everyone who was blessed enough to call her "friend." All I can do is hope that she knows, that she hears my thoughts and feels the longing in my heart. The world feels so lonely without her. In a way I know that this is the closest I can get to knowing how she must have felt. And yeah, I can see why she decided to end it. Fucking sucks to feel like this. I can't imagine having a painful, lifelong disease plus insane amounts of debt and uncertainty on top of her heartbreak. God damn, girl. You were strong beyond comprehension to stick it out for 26 years. I admire you for that.
And now I am left to move on. It's hard, because on one hand I don't want to be sad about it all the time, and I'm not. I'm actually doing quite well, all things considered, and I mostly remember her in a positive way. I even find myself imagining what she would do or say in a lot of situations, and sometimes laughing out loud as if she were really there being her hilarious little self. But on the other hand, I feel like if I don't take the time to cry every now and then and really feel the pain of her (my? our?) loss that it's not real enough, and I must feel the pain to remind myself that this is real, that she is gone. I guess you have to have both sides of the coin to make a whole, and I must keep it balanced in order to honor her life and her memory.
GOD DAMN IT I fucking miss her. This is me being selfish. I can't help it.
On a happier note, I'm doing well in making myself into a good student. I'm actually getting my homework done on time, and passing tests and quizzes! It's unheard of for me, haha. I have an interview at BOMA here in C-Bus on Tuesday so that I can work somewhere with NORMAL people and hopefully make some new friends, (don't worry, I'm still going to strip, but not as often...4 nights a week is giving me an identity crisis,) and starting next weekend I'll be playing in an indoor soccer league. Soccer was my shit for like, 8 years, and I'm STOKED to be playing again. Oh, and I'll be volunteering at a local animal shelter tomorrow, so I get to hang out with kitties and puppies! So yeah, things are actually pretty great right now. I'm taking charge of my state of mind and making life as enjoyable as possible. Go me.
Alright ya'll....time to get moving. Thanks for reading.
I can't believe it's almost been 2 months since I last saw her alive. Life was so much more fun when she was around. Sometimes I feel really angry, I'm so fucking pissed that I can't call her up just to say "Hey, you know what? You're fucking awesome and I love you." I want to tell her that so bad. I want to tell her how much she means to me and to everyone who was blessed enough to call her "friend." All I can do is hope that she knows, that she hears my thoughts and feels the longing in my heart. The world feels so lonely without her. In a way I know that this is the closest I can get to knowing how she must have felt. And yeah, I can see why she decided to end it. Fucking sucks to feel like this. I can't imagine having a painful, lifelong disease plus insane amounts of debt and uncertainty on top of her heartbreak. God damn, girl. You were strong beyond comprehension to stick it out for 26 years. I admire you for that.
And now I am left to move on. It's hard, because on one hand I don't want to be sad about it all the time, and I'm not. I'm actually doing quite well, all things considered, and I mostly remember her in a positive way. I even find myself imagining what she would do or say in a lot of situations, and sometimes laughing out loud as if she were really there being her hilarious little self. But on the other hand, I feel like if I don't take the time to cry every now and then and really feel the pain of her (my? our?) loss that it's not real enough, and I must feel the pain to remind myself that this is real, that she is gone. I guess you have to have both sides of the coin to make a whole, and I must keep it balanced in order to honor her life and her memory.
GOD DAMN IT I fucking miss her. This is me being selfish. I can't help it.
On a happier note, I'm doing well in making myself into a good student. I'm actually getting my homework done on time, and passing tests and quizzes! It's unheard of for me, haha. I have an interview at BOMA here in C-Bus on Tuesday so that I can work somewhere with NORMAL people and hopefully make some new friends, (don't worry, I'm still going to strip, but not as often...4 nights a week is giving me an identity crisis,) and starting next weekend I'll be playing in an indoor soccer league. Soccer was my shit for like, 8 years, and I'm STOKED to be playing again. Oh, and I'll be volunteering at a local animal shelter tomorrow, so I get to hang out with kitties and puppies! So yeah, things are actually pretty great right now. I'm taking charge of my state of mind and making life as enjoyable as possible. Go me.
Alright ya'll....time to get moving. Thanks for reading.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
onesandzeros:
You are crazy busy. I have to say though I'm jealous, the strippers up here don't look half as good 
escottie:
Too late, indeed! I was hooked within minutes of joining 5 years ago.