Man....
I don't know what to say, do, think. I just don't know.
My best friend, Elaine, was found dead in her apartment yesterday. She took her own life.
She texted me last Monday, saying that she would be out of town for a couple days to try to clear her head, and that her phone would be off. She said not to worry.
A few days went by, and she never called or answered her phone. No one- not me, her parents, her boss, her friends, anyone- had heard from her, and we were all getting really worried. We all thought that maybe she was in the hospital again, but after collectively calling every hospital in town we knew that wasn't it. So I decided to stop by her apartment. Her car was there, so I went upstairs to her door. There was a big note that said, "Please do not disturb, thanx." I thought I heard water running inside, so i figured she was in the shower or something, and I thought it best to respect her wishes and not bother her. So I wrote her a letter, letting her know that we all loved her and hoped she was figuring things out and feeling better. I stuck it in her door and left. That was Monday.
Tuesday I got a call from her coworker (Kate) asking if I knew where she was, and I said no and told her about the note on her door. I had been feeling worse and worse about it, and Kate like it either. She said she was going to stop by her apartment after her shift and knock on the door. We hung up, and i called Elaine's mom. I told her all that I knew, and I was thinking of going over and busting Elaine's door down. She was worried sick and said "I think that's a good idea." After we hung up, my friend Sap who is staying with me walked in and said "I don't think we should wait any longer. We need to go to Elaine's." So we left. About 4 minutes away from her place, Kate calls me. Says she's gone. I'm like, I wonder where she went? And she tells me, "No Em, she passed away." WHAT? Kate and a friend had gone and knocked on Elaine's door, called for her, and when she didn't answer they went outside and climbed up the fire escape and into her window. She was in bed. Cold. Gone.
I still feel like this isn't real, like I'm telling a story about someone else's friend. I can't fucking believe it even as I'm writing it.
She had been really depressed for a couple of months...she and her bf broke up, which she was taking very hard, she had mountains of ridiculous debt that had accumulated over years of hospital bills, (she had crohns disease, not to mention other suicide attempts that had landed her in the hospital,) debt from school loans and classes she never finished, her car had been repossessed, she had to keep a shitty job that she hated only because it was the only place that would pay her under the table. (She couldn't accept paychecks because she couldn't open a checking account and her wages would all be garnished by the gov't.) I knew she was in a bad place, and she had become self destructive...drinking herself stupid, popping benedryl like candy, pretty much doing any other drug she could get her hands on. She lost like 15 lbs (which is a lot on a 5'0" frame,) and was smoking more cigarettes than ever before. But she kept saying that she was trying, trying, trying...trying to get better, to move on, to be happy. She really had all of us thinking that she was going to be ok, that this was just a phase she needed to get through. I did all I could to be there for her and make her smile, to let her know that I cared.
It's so weird...I can't believe I'll never get to talk to her again, or hear her laugh, or dance or cry. Actually, I don't think I ever did see her cry. I only knew her for about 2 years, but I loved her instantly. We worked at the same restaurant, and I remember the first day we worked together my coworker and I dared her to take her shirt off while she was cooking, in hopes to bring in some business. Girl just ripped her shirt off, with no bra on, and continued cooking! We all laughed our asses off. I knew then we would be great friends. And we were, and had so many good times together. The more I got to know her the more I loved everything about her.
She brought more joy to her friends and loved ones than she could have ever known. Even in her darkest times, she was always such a ray of light. I always told her that she was bright, like a star or a sunbeam.
She wasn't afraid of dying. She always told me she would die young, that she was ready to go anytime. I always hoped she was wrong.
Rest in peace, Joy Elaine Williams. You'll always be my bright little star.
I don't know what to say, do, think. I just don't know.
My best friend, Elaine, was found dead in her apartment yesterday. She took her own life.
She texted me last Monday, saying that she would be out of town for a couple days to try to clear her head, and that her phone would be off. She said not to worry.
A few days went by, and she never called or answered her phone. No one- not me, her parents, her boss, her friends, anyone- had heard from her, and we were all getting really worried. We all thought that maybe she was in the hospital again, but after collectively calling every hospital in town we knew that wasn't it. So I decided to stop by her apartment. Her car was there, so I went upstairs to her door. There was a big note that said, "Please do not disturb, thanx." I thought I heard water running inside, so i figured she was in the shower or something, and I thought it best to respect her wishes and not bother her. So I wrote her a letter, letting her know that we all loved her and hoped she was figuring things out and feeling better. I stuck it in her door and left. That was Monday.
Tuesday I got a call from her coworker (Kate) asking if I knew where she was, and I said no and told her about the note on her door. I had been feeling worse and worse about it, and Kate like it either. She said she was going to stop by her apartment after her shift and knock on the door. We hung up, and i called Elaine's mom. I told her all that I knew, and I was thinking of going over and busting Elaine's door down. She was worried sick and said "I think that's a good idea." After we hung up, my friend Sap who is staying with me walked in and said "I don't think we should wait any longer. We need to go to Elaine's." So we left. About 4 minutes away from her place, Kate calls me. Says she's gone. I'm like, I wonder where she went? And she tells me, "No Em, she passed away." WHAT? Kate and a friend had gone and knocked on Elaine's door, called for her, and when she didn't answer they went outside and climbed up the fire escape and into her window. She was in bed. Cold. Gone.
I still feel like this isn't real, like I'm telling a story about someone else's friend. I can't fucking believe it even as I'm writing it.
She had been really depressed for a couple of months...she and her bf broke up, which she was taking very hard, she had mountains of ridiculous debt that had accumulated over years of hospital bills, (she had crohns disease, not to mention other suicide attempts that had landed her in the hospital,) debt from school loans and classes she never finished, her car had been repossessed, she had to keep a shitty job that she hated only because it was the only place that would pay her under the table. (She couldn't accept paychecks because she couldn't open a checking account and her wages would all be garnished by the gov't.) I knew she was in a bad place, and she had become self destructive...drinking herself stupid, popping benedryl like candy, pretty much doing any other drug she could get her hands on. She lost like 15 lbs (which is a lot on a 5'0" frame,) and was smoking more cigarettes than ever before. But she kept saying that she was trying, trying, trying...trying to get better, to move on, to be happy. She really had all of us thinking that she was going to be ok, that this was just a phase she needed to get through. I did all I could to be there for her and make her smile, to let her know that I cared.
It's so weird...I can't believe I'll never get to talk to her again, or hear her laugh, or dance or cry. Actually, I don't think I ever did see her cry. I only knew her for about 2 years, but I loved her instantly. We worked at the same restaurant, and I remember the first day we worked together my coworker and I dared her to take her shirt off while she was cooking, in hopes to bring in some business. Girl just ripped her shirt off, with no bra on, and continued cooking! We all laughed our asses off. I knew then we would be great friends. And we were, and had so many good times together. The more I got to know her the more I loved everything about her.
She brought more joy to her friends and loved ones than she could have ever known. Even in her darkest times, she was always such a ray of light. I always told her that she was bright, like a star or a sunbeam.
She wasn't afraid of dying. She always told me she would die young, that she was ready to go anytime. I always hoped she was wrong.
Rest in peace, Joy Elaine Williams. You'll always be my bright little star.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Sorry about the loss of your best friend, it's always difficult no matter the age, but when someone leaves us so young, its so hard to not think of what the future was going to bring to life.
I think you are already holding that shining bright star and carrying her torch here in this life...because she couldnt carry it herself any longer.
You already gave her the most amazing tribute in the end. I almost felt like i knew her too...and if i was part of your world, i would have done what i could as well....Dont let go of her, i think she is counting on you and her other friends to be what she wanted to be but couldnt quite make it over the hill.
Don't let it eat you up to much, you seem to have knew her well enough to understand why she did it.
It takes a while, I always raise a glass to those who have gone before us, helps me put things into perspective.