so...I've been sleeping all day...trying to catch up from the last week and a half of company. Hans flew out on Monday and my sister flew in from New York on Tuesday...she left late last night. I love seeing my sister. She is my best friend and I miss her constantly.
I get used to not having people around and then when I do and they leave I become incredably lonely.
Having Hans here was lovely...it was absolutely perfect...and I hate that he has left. He brought up the idea of moving here quite a bit..but also said how it would require a complete divorce from Minnesota. Which he needs...but he is also quite the coward.
On the night before he left, we were having dinner and he got teary eyed and kept thanking me for having him here and that he didn't want to go back. He also said...you love me. Don't you? I know that you do...and I said yes. Yes I do. And then his eyes started to water more and he said...but you love me out of habit? Everyone loves me out of habit. And I said...No...I do love you, but not out of habit--never out of habit.
And I do. I love him. I love him purely in a way that I am scared I'll never be able to love anyone else the same. I've tried. Been in a serious relationship where I lived with someone for almost a year and no matter how hard I tried, I never loved her the way that I loved him.
It breaks my heart that he isn't here...that it might never happen because of stupid circumstances. That both he and I have been so severely hurt that we wont be able to overcome obsticles.
I told him ... finally...just how much he meant to me. I've always been too scared to put it out in the open. Fearful of loosing him, of getting into another argument where both he and I are crying and I hear the same horrible words again...I love you. You are the only one I care about - you're the only one I've ever cared about...but I just can't. I just can't be in a relationship with anyone.
He has depression and social anxiety issues. He's a bit of an alcholic. He has only dated people whom he doesn't care about because then they can't hurt him. Not one girlfriend he has ever had have I ever heard he say anything nice about. They've always been "experiments" or "experiences." He has told me that he feels that he isn't worth anything and that everyone gets tired of him eventually.
But I never had. Its been five years...and I've not tired of him once. We were really happy here together. He was really happy and I think felt that he could be happy. He just needs to lift himself out of his downward spiral like I did. He needs a divorce from Minneapolis...just like I did. Minneapolis takes people and spins them around into a den of self loathing that you can't see until you get out. Its a sweet sweet spiral that will eventually destroy you.
So what can I do? There really isn't much. I've been thinking a lot and all I can do is what I've been doing. Be there for him and for myself and hope that fate smiles on both of us.
I get used to not having people around and then when I do and they leave I become incredably lonely.
Having Hans here was lovely...it was absolutely perfect...and I hate that he has left. He brought up the idea of moving here quite a bit..but also said how it would require a complete divorce from Minnesota. Which he needs...but he is also quite the coward.
On the night before he left, we were having dinner and he got teary eyed and kept thanking me for having him here and that he didn't want to go back. He also said...you love me. Don't you? I know that you do...and I said yes. Yes I do. And then his eyes started to water more and he said...but you love me out of habit? Everyone loves me out of habit. And I said...No...I do love you, but not out of habit--never out of habit.
And I do. I love him. I love him purely in a way that I am scared I'll never be able to love anyone else the same. I've tried. Been in a serious relationship where I lived with someone for almost a year and no matter how hard I tried, I never loved her the way that I loved him.
It breaks my heart that he isn't here...that it might never happen because of stupid circumstances. That both he and I have been so severely hurt that we wont be able to overcome obsticles.
I told him ... finally...just how much he meant to me. I've always been too scared to put it out in the open. Fearful of loosing him, of getting into another argument where both he and I are crying and I hear the same horrible words again...I love you. You are the only one I care about - you're the only one I've ever cared about...but I just can't. I just can't be in a relationship with anyone.
He has depression and social anxiety issues. He's a bit of an alcholic. He has only dated people whom he doesn't care about because then they can't hurt him. Not one girlfriend he has ever had have I ever heard he say anything nice about. They've always been "experiments" or "experiences." He has told me that he feels that he isn't worth anything and that everyone gets tired of him eventually.
But I never had. Its been five years...and I've not tired of him once. We were really happy here together. He was really happy and I think felt that he could be happy. He just needs to lift himself out of his downward spiral like I did. He needs a divorce from Minneapolis...just like I did. Minneapolis takes people and spins them around into a den of self loathing that you can't see until you get out. Its a sweet sweet spiral that will eventually destroy you.
So what can I do? There really isn't much. I've been thinking a lot and all I can do is what I've been doing. Be there for him and for myself and hope that fate smiles on both of us.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
ra0ul:
Sounds like you've had a lot to think about recently. Being there is the best thing you can do. Do you want to be a larger part of each others lives? It sounds very much like a situation i wouldn't want to be stuck in the middle of but, i think you've got the right idea.
n:
its so weird you should mention that song cause i was listening to it yesterday and its been stuck in my head since. 