"At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking"
Yesterday the little madam turned 2 months old. Her current skills include the following;
♥ dribbling like a St Bernard
♥ grinning like a loon after taking a crap of such... Read More
1) - they are absolute fucktards. they used to pull up in bif FUCK OFF BMWs - then answer no questions and not help me at all.
I think the BMW is to say "hey look at me - i am WELL professional" - but all it said to me was "i have little or no skills - but my company will do very little work - and you will get very little change from 2 grand.... which we will put to another BMW so another little fucktard can unlock doors for other gulible good honest people".
2)again with the BMW "ooo i've got FAR too nicer car to park with the plebs... ooo theres no way my 4x4 which i have drove for 2 minutes through the city to get here could possibly fit in one of those spaces for NORMAL people"
3)when i was at uni - i did a bit of rag - i dressed up as the occasional bear or something and did little dances in various city centres. generally it was a bit of a laugh - we never made that much for charity - but we weren't offencive. generally we gave up a day - then went and got pissed.
WHICH IS WHY I HATE THE AVERAGE TOWN CENTRE "CHARITY WORKER" - cos if i am not mistaken - they get commission.
They are NOT charity workers, I work for various charities, and we know them as "chuggers" they are paid by marketing companies to persuade you to make a direct debit to a charity.
The direct debit is then paid to the charity company for a year.
Only AFTER a year, does any money actually go to the good cause.
"The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away"
The process of becoming a 'real' person again has begun;
♥ I managed a full hour on my own yesterday while I had my hair cut **back of the net**. I have the... Read More
its different if you wake up next to someone who you thought was fit - but on second glance only had 10 teeth or is quadroplegic or is neither animal or vegitable.
But when you have spent more money on a gaff than you will ever actually own (40 year mortgage - WOOO!)
hmmm
read through your post from a year ago... weird isn't it... how much everything changes in a year?
you and the bub?
me and two houses - job change and a stupid part of the country?
whoops - i've had a couple of beers and got all deep
"The following takes place between 12:00pm and 1:00pm"
The good thing about having a six week old baby that refuses to leave my arms is that it's given me plenty of time to catch up with my favourite blokie ... Jack Bauer. Oh yes, I've finally managed to watch Season Five.
"Where the fuck is the anaesthetist?"
- Day 3 of Labour
I'm sure you've guessed it, but I've been a little busy. That and Barclays are a bunch of twat grabbing tiger raping jizz merchants. But that's really best saved for another entry
good luck with your whole life together... she looks quite a potential rocker
look after her
SO anyhoo - what do you mean you dont let anyone into the north...
You're from bloody nottingham - i was probably as "north" as you when i started off in lowestoft
"Your cervis is high and unfavourable, this baby will be a while yet"
I told you my midwife was shit ...
3:30pm - waters break with biblical proportions 3:35pm - run round house shouting "oh shit oh fuck I'm having a baby" 4:45pm - family in mad panic to get here, dog looking bemused, Elysia sat on towels hoping to not spill amniotic fluid on... Read More
I am as of this moment planning on constructing a body suit to make me look pregnant so when the next cunt comes to my door i can ward him away in the most classy motherfucking way possible.
"I see the problem here. There's a baby in your body"
6 days to go and that is the most perfect quote. Thank you Tom Green ....
That's it. I've had enough. Being kept awake with false contractions and severe nausea sucks demented donkey cock. The current weight estimate is at 8 1/2 lbs by my due date and people are already taking bets as... Read More
Good luck trouble, no pain no gain and all that...bugger.....
Better in than out... no....
Too many... no, no no no,
There's no fucking saying for having a baby, but I wish you the best, but remember to get inventive with the swearing. I'd suggest swearing in continental languages or approximations of, it's tres chic...
"What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude"
12 days to go ....
Things have been less than eventful in the Elysia household. I've been bored to the point where I've been cooking, and if that doesn't scare the little one enough to encourage her to... Read More
i dont know... but if you have any pride at all you will try and find out.
you may wanna get some ice in though - cant imagine itd be nice at mammory temperature
"Here's something that if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck, don't slap a guy across the face with a glove because if you do that, that's what he will think . Unless you're a noble man or something in the nineteenth century. Which I am not."
18 days to go ..
I've been feeling dodgy all day. This is particularly... Read More
4) I confess in the past week, I have become a homicidal psychotic cranefly killing maniac.
I even remember my body count; last night it was 4, the night before 6 and the night before that 8. I can even hear them now in the darkness... They are hideous and the surest proof I can think of that there is no God, because why waste your time on creating something so utterly pointless. It could only be evolution and frankly I'm happy they are so dappy as it makes them easier to kill.
And then I spent the afternoon hoovering up squished cranefly bodies and legs. It's horrible!!! Why do they alway head for my bedroom???
Good luck with the last couple of weeks!!! Hope it doesn't take too long.
Its good to see an update from you anyway. I really cannot believe how quickly your pregnancy seemed to go because my friend is due around the same time as you. Did you ever get one of those birth canal t-shirts? haha
(1) Moving house
Simple as that really. I made the deicsion to move out of my house before the sale went through and enjoyed being a land baron for a month. Having two homes isn't quite as fun as it sounds and luckily the bachelorette pad finally sold... Read More
I think the BMW is to say "hey look at me - i am WELL professional" - but all it said to me was "i have little or no skills - but my company will do very little work - and you will get very little change from 2 grand.... which we will put to another BMW so another little fucktard can unlock doors for other gulible good honest people".
2)again with the BMW "ooo i've got FAR too nicer car to park with the plebs... ooo theres no way my 4x4 which i have drove for 2 minutes through the city to get here could possibly fit in one of those spaces for NORMAL people"
3)when i was at uni - i did a bit of rag - i dressed up as the occasional bear or something and did little dances in various city centres. generally it was a bit of a laugh - we never made that much for charity - but we weren't offencive. generally we gave up a day - then went and got pissed.
WHICH IS WHY I HATE THE AVERAGE TOWN CENTRE "CHARITY WORKER" - cos if i am not mistaken - they get commission.
i feel better now
mother fuckers..
4) - i have NO opinion
They are NOT charity workers, I work for various charities, and we know them as "chuggers" they are paid by marketing companies to persuade you to make a direct debit to a charity.
The direct debit is then paid to the charity company for a year.
Only AFTER a year, does any money actually go to the good cause.
:o
Not good at all.