elysia

"English birds aren't complicated - you buy them a Bacardi Breezer and they'll ride you like Seabiscuit"

- Severance



My stress levels have decreased dramatically in the last week. This is almost one hundred percent related to the fact that my University application has been fully completed and sent. GONE. Out of my hands.

Now begins the waiting. Tick followed tock, followed tick, followed tock, followed tick. It's both liberating and terrifying to have literally no idea where we're going to end up. The anally retentive organised retard in me feels the need to plan all the details for all five eventualities. Thankfully she is being silenced by the occasional beer.

Random highlights/lowlights from the last few weeks also include;

♥ Receiving a package containing an order that I had both cancelled and received a full refund for.

♥ Almost falling headfirst into a dumpster following the unfortunate release of my keys at the same time as the bin bag I was throwing in there, and their subsequent retrieval.

♥ Having decided that I can stand it no longer, finding myself stood semi naked at the window at 3am hurling a tweeting mouse toy into a nearby car park. That thing was possessed by the devil I tell thee. This was followed by thirty minutes of guilt ridden tossing and turning as it was one of the toys that came with Ace from his previous home. He seems to be coping.



Five things that I really don't understand



(1) Pete Wentz ----------spoiler for decency---------

In particular, the appreciation of (often in overzealous amounts). He looks like a buck toothed tranny and probably cries both during and after sex. Whilst I acknowledge that beauty is to some extents subjective, I just don't get it. I couldn't be less wet for Wentz.


(2) Urine on public toilet seats

Women sit down to piss right? I just want to check as it is possible that in the haze of the last couple of years they have changed it and nobody has gotten round to telling me yet.

So... assuming that seated urination is still the norm... how is it that whenever I go into public toilets half of the seats seem to be sporting fresh piss droplets? Logistically, how is that possible? Statistically speaking, there will be a small percentage of 'genuine' reasons as to why this could happen, namely;
(i)Pre-op transexuals
(ii)Small boys using the ladies with their mothers (more likely to sit though?)
(iii)Small girls incorrectly positioned
(iv)Drunk slags who will later go on to wet themselves or something of a similar calibre.

Once you've accounted for this minority you're left with two distinct possibilities - either there are a lot of women out there who are hovering over public toilets instead of sitting on them (unlikely as you would expect the seat to have a higher amount of piss stainage), or there are a lot of women out there with such mahoosive pubic thatches that once pissing has ended, wiping is completed and moving has commenced there is still sufficient moisture retained in there, much like a cloud, that there is still drippage. There is something about that thought that unnerves me.


(3) Lack of manners

I am an impatient angry little person at the best of times. Some may say that this is entirely justified, and those that disagree are simply... cunts. Yet, despite my anger I still manage to withhold a certain amount of common deceny and manners. This therefore makes it seem entirely ironic that such a large percentage of Joe public (not all of whom can be as irrationally irritable as myself) can be such a great big bunch of rude simpleton tossbags.

The simple things such as observing a queue system, cars actually stopping at pedestrian crossings instead of trying to mow people down, and people giving up seats on the bus so that wheelchair users can alight seem to be escaping the majority of people in this city. This is, of course, on top of all the usual tossy behaviours you would commonly expect ie loud music blaring from mobile phones, peoples inability to hold doors open when they can see you struggling etc etc etc

If I could get adequate childcare I would form some sort of etiquette vigilante group and take to the streets armed with "The Times book of modern manners" (middle cut out and replaced with concrete), possibly dressed as The Queen but featuring Matrix type gun action.
Incidentally this site contained this wonderful piece of information regarding etiquette, "To be very polite, you should eat peas by squashing them against the reverse side of your fork"
You have been warned.


(4) Families in supermarkets

Why why why why why why why why why? It's Saturday, and in supermarkets up and down the country you can observe the sadistic practice of the 'family shopping trip'. The slightly obese frumpy mother wanders about looking agitated clutching a list, one of the irritating and inappropriately dressed children is pushing the trolley with little control, the other doesn't so much as glance up from its Nintendo DS, and the father proceeds to stand directly in the way of every other shopper down the full thirty aisles.

Seriously you over-breeding morons... leave the family at home. There's just no need for it. It's not even coming close to quality family time, and I can guarantee that at least one shopper such as myself will seriously contemplate smashing the father over the head with a large jar of kalamata olives or something of a similar weight.


(5) Serial Daters

In direct response to the incidence of one such 'serial dater' questioning why and how I haven't dated in <mumbles> years.

I just don't see the point in serial dating. In my experience these people often tend to be popular in social groups, not outspoken, but well known, and this often hides a few confidence issues. They're the type of people that stay in relationships that they know are wrong, with people they know to be unsuitable, just for the sake of being in a relationship.

My sister is a fine example, and despite the fact that she's been with her boyfriend for two months and they've argued every time they've spent any significant amount of time together, ignoring that he lies to her and they're endlessly breaking up, and blatantly disregarding the numerous times that she's openly admitted that they're completely unsuited and it will never go anywhere.... they're still together.

I'd much rather put the time into something with somebody who isn't going to make me miserable, whom I don't resent, and who I could possibly see a future with. Besides, there are plenty of people who could benefit from a touch of Elysia anger, why would I possibly want to waste it on just one person whom I didn't like very much?

"Shit, I've left Gordon's foot on the coach. Sorry mate"