"Way to spoil a villainous moment bug.... Now go get in the cartoonishly evil vehicle and DRIVE"
- The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland
Seriously. The most often uttered word in my kids vocabulary is "elmo", as in "please mummy can we watch that stupid high pitched fluffy red piece of shit puppet movie again today? I promise to stop wearing your shoes, hiding your purse, drawing on your walls, raiding the fridge, jumping on the sofa, climbing up the bookcase, stripping myself naked for no good reason, shouting byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebye constantly, pulling on your leg if you let me watch for the 173849475656th time today.... pretty pretty puuurrrrrhlease?"
It appears that the Universe and I are on a pretty level playing field at the moment.
Things that I'm loving;
I wasn't too sure on watching the first episode whether I'd be that bothered about the show to be honest, but the second episode reeled me in and I managed to watch both series in the space of a week. I have a super crush on Dexter, is that worrying?
I have an organic veg box delivered from a local farm every week, and have to give them props for sending an array of weird and wonderful veg that I then have to google to find out what the fuck it is. Maybe I'm just the worst vegan in the world?
I'm a dog person, right? In fact, the idea of having a cat as a pet has never appealed. The contender to this school of thought is Mini E with her total adoration of the feline form. She is seriously crazy for cats. After a few months of thought (and a trip to the RSPCA) I start thinking that maybe getting a cat is a good idea for both of us, and would be a great addition to our little family. The one thing standing in the way is the question of - does MIni E really like cats? Not just the cats she chases round the street shouting "hiya cat, bye see ya" or the cats in her books or on TV, but an actual kitty that she can sit and stroke.
So, I start racking my brains about where to take her for some cat action and we somehow end up at the Lincolnshire Cat Show. Think "Best In Show" but with cats not dogs.... some seriously intense people taking the whole thing a bit too seriously.
As it turns out MIni E still didn't get to play with a kitty, but I somehow managed to fall in love with Maine Coons, and after coming home and researching the breed a bit more I'm now convinced that we need at least one (preferably two) as super awesome pets.
Being stuck in the house means there has been a lot of yummy vegan cooking and baking in an attempt to quash the boredom. Today included the best sandwich ever (homemade vegan pepperoni, mayo, salad & peri peri on seeded bread), sweet potato and sage risotto (with hidden veg to trick Mini E), and beetroot and chocolate cake. Super tasty, but fuck do I need to get out more.
Things that can kiss my (not so) slowly expanding ass;
The rain. It's motherfucking July for crying out loud, and I really do not want to hear your scientifically justified piece of shit excuse as to why water just will not stop falling from the fucking sky. To be fair, I have every right to be pissy about the weather, and not just because I'm British and it's genetically inherited.
Three weeks ago I had some minor surgery on my foot, and as a result I cannot get any of my shoes on. Not my winter boots, my Vans, or even my moderately wide Converse. Nuh-uh my fat swollen fucker of a foot insists on open toed footwear which is OK until it rains. As I have to keep the dressing dry it means that when it rains I have to stay indoors (See earlier sections relating to Elmo and Baking). Yes, I'm twenty four years old and my daytime activities are dictated by my phalanges and the weatherman. What next... no eating after midnight?
Bad foot = not allowed to exercise. I'm surprised to admit that I actually miss my morning workout, which is in direct opposition to the fact that I did not miss the whole 'fat' thing. What I wouldn't give to don a leotard and jump in with those lycra clad retards ^^
I went to court last week, and am now officially bankrupt. The general idea was to improve my financial situation... I mean why else would I have gone and spent a relatively large amount of cash on the actual process of filing for bankruptcy? Yet here I sit, with five pounds to my name, no idea where the fuck my child benefit has disappeared to, no functional bank account, and I'm currently in arrears with a couple of my utilities. What. the. piss. flapping. badger. culling. toenail. raping. elmo. strangling. fuck. is. going. on?
My financial shit is all over the motherfucking place, and is a whole bucket load more fucked right now than it has been for the last 2+ years.
What seems to keep happening is that I dial some sort of 0845 number, wait twenty minutes then get through to some Bangaladeshi / Irish / Local call centre to speak to some confused / bored / braindead / apologetic / insincere fuckwit who advises me that someone lost the documents / it's been the Irish bank holiday / it takes 5 - 217 working days to send it out / it's being faxed in the next hour / it's being actioned today / they don't know what has happened and they're very sorry / this sort of thing almost never happens / they'll call me back later / they'll escalate it to a Manager / they don't know and will ask a colleague, and then when sweet FA happens I get to call back and speak to some middle aged balding toothless desk jockey who probably spends their time watching gardeners question time and downloading child pornography behind closed doors whilst trying to appear outwardly cheery by decorating their front garden with those cock nosed working class ugly twat gnomes that should be executed along with their owners, who assures me that they're doing everything they can to sort it out which quite frankly is never enough, and it's not like I want a fucking moon on a stick, I'd really just like to have more than a fiver sat in my wallet, and to be safe in the knowledge that the bills are paid. M'kay?
I just don't feel the need to be friends with every person I've ever met in my whole entire life. For real. Why would I want to get a message from a seriously crazy assed ex-boyfriend letting me know where he's working and what football team he's playing for?
[Sidenote: Why did I ever let someone who repeatedly writes 'your' when they mean "you're" put their grammatically incorrect cock inside me?]
Facebook is nothing short of a network of stalkers and people living in the past. Losers.
Also; I've started my UCAS application, and am suddenly unable to decide exactly what discipline to do a degree in.... I've been thinking about this for three years so why am I now soooo confused? Cock.
Total Alien busting out of chest excitement at seeing a Dark Knight teaser on TV. Can't wait.
"Aww that makes me feel so bad inside... no wait, that's just gas"
- The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland
Seriously. The most often uttered word in my kids vocabulary is "elmo", as in "please mummy can we watch that stupid high pitched fluffy red piece of shit puppet movie again today? I promise to stop wearing your shoes, hiding your purse, drawing on your walls, raiding the fridge, jumping on the sofa, climbing up the bookcase, stripping myself naked for no good reason, shouting byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebye constantly, pulling on your leg if you let me watch for the 173849475656th time today.... pretty pretty puuurrrrrhlease?"
It appears that the Universe and I are on a pretty level playing field at the moment.
Things that I'm loving;
I wasn't too sure on watching the first episode whether I'd be that bothered about the show to be honest, but the second episode reeled me in and I managed to watch both series in the space of a week. I have a super crush on Dexter, is that worrying?
I have an organic veg box delivered from a local farm every week, and have to give them props for sending an array of weird and wonderful veg that I then have to google to find out what the fuck it is. Maybe I'm just the worst vegan in the world?
I'm a dog person, right? In fact, the idea of having a cat as a pet has never appealed. The contender to this school of thought is Mini E with her total adoration of the feline form. She is seriously crazy for cats. After a few months of thought (and a trip to the RSPCA) I start thinking that maybe getting a cat is a good idea for both of us, and would be a great addition to our little family. The one thing standing in the way is the question of - does MIni E really like cats? Not just the cats she chases round the street shouting "hiya cat, bye see ya" or the cats in her books or on TV, but an actual kitty that she can sit and stroke.
So, I start racking my brains about where to take her for some cat action and we somehow end up at the Lincolnshire Cat Show. Think "Best In Show" but with cats not dogs.... some seriously intense people taking the whole thing a bit too seriously.
As it turns out MIni E still didn't get to play with a kitty, but I somehow managed to fall in love with Maine Coons, and after coming home and researching the breed a bit more I'm now convinced that we need at least one (preferably two) as super awesome pets.
Being stuck in the house means there has been a lot of yummy vegan cooking and baking in an attempt to quash the boredom. Today included the best sandwich ever (homemade vegan pepperoni, mayo, salad & peri peri on seeded bread), sweet potato and sage risotto (with hidden veg to trick Mini E), and beetroot and chocolate cake. Super tasty, but fuck do I need to get out more.
Things that can kiss my (not so) slowly expanding ass;
The rain. It's motherfucking July for crying out loud, and I really do not want to hear your scientifically justified piece of shit excuse as to why water just will not stop falling from the fucking sky. To be fair, I have every right to be pissy about the weather, and not just because I'm British and it's genetically inherited.
Three weeks ago I had some minor surgery on my foot, and as a result I cannot get any of my shoes on. Not my winter boots, my Vans, or even my moderately wide Converse. Nuh-uh my fat swollen fucker of a foot insists on open toed footwear which is OK until it rains. As I have to keep the dressing dry it means that when it rains I have to stay indoors (See earlier sections relating to Elmo and Baking). Yes, I'm twenty four years old and my daytime activities are dictated by my phalanges and the weatherman. What next... no eating after midnight?
Bad foot = not allowed to exercise. I'm surprised to admit that I actually miss my morning workout, which is in direct opposition to the fact that I did not miss the whole 'fat' thing. What I wouldn't give to don a leotard and jump in with those lycra clad retards ^^
I went to court last week, and am now officially bankrupt. The general idea was to improve my financial situation... I mean why else would I have gone and spent a relatively large amount of cash on the actual process of filing for bankruptcy? Yet here I sit, with five pounds to my name, no idea where the fuck my child benefit has disappeared to, no functional bank account, and I'm currently in arrears with a couple of my utilities. What. the. piss. flapping. badger. culling. toenail. raping. elmo. strangling. fuck. is. going. on?
My financial shit is all over the motherfucking place, and is a whole bucket load more fucked right now than it has been for the last 2+ years.
What seems to keep happening is that I dial some sort of 0845 number, wait twenty minutes then get through to some Bangaladeshi / Irish / Local call centre to speak to some confused / bored / braindead / apologetic / insincere fuckwit who advises me that someone lost the documents / it's been the Irish bank holiday / it takes 5 - 217 working days to send it out / it's being faxed in the next hour / it's being actioned today / they don't know what has happened and they're very sorry / this sort of thing almost never happens / they'll call me back later / they'll escalate it to a Manager / they don't know and will ask a colleague, and then when sweet FA happens I get to call back and speak to some middle aged balding toothless desk jockey who probably spends their time watching gardeners question time and downloading child pornography behind closed doors whilst trying to appear outwardly cheery by decorating their front garden with those cock nosed working class ugly twat gnomes that should be executed along with their owners, who assures me that they're doing everything they can to sort it out which quite frankly is never enough, and it's not like I want a fucking moon on a stick, I'd really just like to have more than a fiver sat in my wallet, and to be safe in the knowledge that the bills are paid. M'kay?
I just don't feel the need to be friends with every person I've ever met in my whole entire life. For real. Why would I want to get a message from a seriously crazy assed ex-boyfriend letting me know where he's working and what football team he's playing for?
[Sidenote: Why did I ever let someone who repeatedly writes 'your' when they mean "you're" put their grammatically incorrect cock inside me?]
Facebook is nothing short of a network of stalkers and people living in the past. Losers.
Also; I've started my UCAS application, and am suddenly unable to decide exactly what discipline to do a degree in.... I've been thinking about this for three years so why am I now soooo confused? Cock.
Total Alien busting out of chest excitement at seeing a Dark Knight teaser on TV. Can't wait.
"Aww that makes me feel so bad inside... no wait, that's just gas"
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Good list!
Facebook is evil- it made me feel violated. And not in a good way.
I believe it's possible to be a cat and dog person.. I am. I used to have two of each and I would again if I didn't have to slave for twelve hours a day for The Man.
You have to pay to go bankrupt?