"I did hear about this corporal right, and he's in the 3rd battalion this lad but he's right mean ok? And he goes out in Bangkok right, and all the prostitutes are coming up to him and saying how much? and he's going oh I'm not paying that right? And then this beautiful lassie comes up and she's gorgeous man, and she's half the price of the others. And they're getting down to it and he puts his hand up her skirt and gets a hold of the old meat and two veg right? He thinks, hang on, I've paid my money, I'm going to have something so he flips him over and he fu-fu-fu-fu....
And funnily enough it lands on its wheels, it starts first time and they just drive away"
- Alan Partridge
Strangest story I've ever heard. FACT.
Valentines Day
Don't get excited.... I certainly didn't. The naive young thing that delivered them seemed full of the joy of the day and I didn't have the heart to tell him that if they were in fact Valentines flowers then he'd got the wrong address. Turns out he had the right address but the wrong day. They should have arrived on Saturday as a birthday gift. Good job they didn't really as I was thirty miles away nursing the hangover from hell. Way to rub it in Interflora you flower arranging fuckwits.
Top five from my night out;
(1) Two years... no changes
It was pure coincidence that my evening out marked the two year anniversary of the day that I quit drinking the first time around. Being the eternal pessimist my memories of the bar I as good as lived in for a while are all bad with a capital B. As the evenings festivities picked up random stragglers and took a turn to the nostalgic we ended up paying a visit to that bar, which has had a change of venue and yet is still inherently the same. It took less than five minutes for the free drinks to start flowing, and the background music be replaced by Marilyn Manson and System of A Down turned up full whack. A couple of old drinking buddies brought back memories of the fun two years that preceded the crappy few months prior to my departure and a fun night was had by all. It's always nice having some place to go back to for an old school night out.
(2) Boys
A good ninety five per cent of my drinking buddies are male. A lost cause, the lot of them. Between those that are approaching the big 40 and have given up hope of meeting a nice lady, to those that overstep the mark and go for a terribly un-romantic pulling attempt "Oh go on, I could have you home for 8am"..... how to make a girl feel soooo special. Oddly enough, I declined such a polite invitation. I've been single for a very long time, and whilst I'm sure the evening would have been enjoyable I was quite aware that there was something lacking. It's the difference between the 'ok I find you attractive, you find me attractive let's fuck' drunken sex of an evening out and the feeling when you're with someone who leans over and touches you on the arm to ask if you'd like another drink that is akin to pure electricity. What is that difference in practical terms? I couldn't tell you.
(3) Hangovers + busy places = bad
Bleurgh. Maybe I'm just out of practice but fuck me the aftermath was unpleasant. My evening spent smoking was instantly regretted when I woke up feeling like I'd had my oesophagus attacked with a cheese grater, and I could have died when they played Cliff Richards 'Congratulations' for the 87th time in Frankie & Benny's as we had lunch. This was followed to a trip to IKEA which I can only imagine is as close to hell as I'm ever going to get. Having lost my family whilst I was wandering about aimlessly I decided to make good use of one of the show homes and had a lovely half hour sit down on an averagely comfortable sofa. I finally felt back to full lung capacity and brain function by Tuesday. Not good, and I can't help but realise how much better spent the money would have been. Looks like I could be going 92.6% willingly straight edge. I never thought I'd see the day.
(4) The naughty taxi driver
I'd been sure that I wasn't actually drunk. Then, as I went to try and send a text and couldn't work my fingers it hit me all at once like a ton of bricks. You have to love binge drinking really don't you? I staggered down to the cash point, withdrew 10 and called my favourite taxi driver. Thirty seconds away from the house it occurred to me that my tenner wasn't going to cover the fare. This was about two minutes after I'd gotten back in the cab after asking him to pull over so that I could be sick. In three years of him picking me up from my evenings drinking I've never once done that. I'm super classy. I think the combination of the sick, and the fact that I spent the whole journey telling him that I was so disappointed in him (in three years he's never told me that he regularly cheats on his wife as he knows it would register as a big clanger on my moral radar, and yet happily discusses the details with my sister who has somewhat looser morals and a habit for gossiping) was to account for the fact that he was happy to accept the 12.20 I had on me and call it a night.
(5) Covert ops
I made it to the back door and did the whole 'try to get key in door' thing that only the pissed find both challengin and amusing. I snuck in SAS style, closed the door and was trying to navigate the key into the back of the door when it occured to me that I was being watched. There was Mini E, in her PJs (at 4am) munching on a piece of toast. Cue horrified look and attempt to act sober. There was some sort of welcoming committee in the kitchen, and my sister asked if I'd been smoking. I made some comment about being out with people that were smoking, and she pointed out that she wasn't basing the assumption on the smell of smoke... there were two packets of fags hanging out of my pocket. Subtle. I pointed out that the toast she was eating was contravening the rules of her diet and that I was going to report her to Weight Watchers who would beat her to death with ears of corn whilst shouting 'wholemeal, five a day' (what a comeback) then went and passed out in the wrong bed. Yay me.
Mini E
I'll be increasing the load in her backpack until I can happily send her out to work.
I know what you're thinking, and yes, she does sleep in that box in the background...
Other random points
♥ "he's just too old-school to get excited by this new generation of running, jumping zombies who look like they 'just came from the gym". Fuck me, I love Romero
♥ Someone during my evening out passed comment that they'll always remember me for the sing-along's we used to have in the bar, and for my endless Partridge quotes. Along with another influence this week I've found myself watching Partridge Series One for the first time in months. Ten years on and it still makes me laugh out loud.... kiss my face.
♥ The zoo was awesome. Mini E loved the giraffes and the gorillas, and thanks to my sister I almost got beaten about the head by a chimpanzee. Cash back.
♥ I am addicted to reading at the moment. This was delivered as a late birthday present yesterday and I can't wait to read it. This is only slightly possibly maybe related to the fact that I'm currently avoiding my Quantum Physics module. I happen to like Physics about as much as Jack Bauer enjoys popping out for a Chinese....
♥ My evening out (and subsequent inability to parent upon my return home) demonstrated that Mini E is more than capable of surviving a full evening without me. This certainly isn't bad news, although I've spent the last week paying for it in ultra-clingy behaviour - think face hugger from Aliens and you're on the right track...
♥ This work is never going to do itself is it? Sigh.
"Er Mister Partridge, you've got a bit of chocolate on your face"
And funnily enough it lands on its wheels, it starts first time and they just drive away"
- Alan Partridge
Strangest story I've ever heard. FACT.
Valentines Day
Don't get excited.... I certainly didn't. The naive young thing that delivered them seemed full of the joy of the day and I didn't have the heart to tell him that if they were in fact Valentines flowers then he'd got the wrong address. Turns out he had the right address but the wrong day. They should have arrived on Saturday as a birthday gift. Good job they didn't really as I was thirty miles away nursing the hangover from hell. Way to rub it in Interflora you flower arranging fuckwits.
Top five from my night out;
(1) Two years... no changes
It was pure coincidence that my evening out marked the two year anniversary of the day that I quit drinking the first time around. Being the eternal pessimist my memories of the bar I as good as lived in for a while are all bad with a capital B. As the evenings festivities picked up random stragglers and took a turn to the nostalgic we ended up paying a visit to that bar, which has had a change of venue and yet is still inherently the same. It took less than five minutes for the free drinks to start flowing, and the background music be replaced by Marilyn Manson and System of A Down turned up full whack. A couple of old drinking buddies brought back memories of the fun two years that preceded the crappy few months prior to my departure and a fun night was had by all. It's always nice having some place to go back to for an old school night out.
(2) Boys
A good ninety five per cent of my drinking buddies are male. A lost cause, the lot of them. Between those that are approaching the big 40 and have given up hope of meeting a nice lady, to those that overstep the mark and go for a terribly un-romantic pulling attempt "Oh go on, I could have you home for 8am"..... how to make a girl feel soooo special. Oddly enough, I declined such a polite invitation. I've been single for a very long time, and whilst I'm sure the evening would have been enjoyable I was quite aware that there was something lacking. It's the difference between the 'ok I find you attractive, you find me attractive let's fuck' drunken sex of an evening out and the feeling when you're with someone who leans over and touches you on the arm to ask if you'd like another drink that is akin to pure electricity. What is that difference in practical terms? I couldn't tell you.
(3) Hangovers + busy places = bad
Bleurgh. Maybe I'm just out of practice but fuck me the aftermath was unpleasant. My evening spent smoking was instantly regretted when I woke up feeling like I'd had my oesophagus attacked with a cheese grater, and I could have died when they played Cliff Richards 'Congratulations' for the 87th time in Frankie & Benny's as we had lunch. This was followed to a trip to IKEA which I can only imagine is as close to hell as I'm ever going to get. Having lost my family whilst I was wandering about aimlessly I decided to make good use of one of the show homes and had a lovely half hour sit down on an averagely comfortable sofa. I finally felt back to full lung capacity and brain function by Tuesday. Not good, and I can't help but realise how much better spent the money would have been. Looks like I could be going 92.6% willingly straight edge. I never thought I'd see the day.
(4) The naughty taxi driver
I'd been sure that I wasn't actually drunk. Then, as I went to try and send a text and couldn't work my fingers it hit me all at once like a ton of bricks. You have to love binge drinking really don't you? I staggered down to the cash point, withdrew 10 and called my favourite taxi driver. Thirty seconds away from the house it occurred to me that my tenner wasn't going to cover the fare. This was about two minutes after I'd gotten back in the cab after asking him to pull over so that I could be sick. In three years of him picking me up from my evenings drinking I've never once done that. I'm super classy. I think the combination of the sick, and the fact that I spent the whole journey telling him that I was so disappointed in him (in three years he's never told me that he regularly cheats on his wife as he knows it would register as a big clanger on my moral radar, and yet happily discusses the details with my sister who has somewhat looser morals and a habit for gossiping) was to account for the fact that he was happy to accept the 12.20 I had on me and call it a night.
(5) Covert ops
I made it to the back door and did the whole 'try to get key in door' thing that only the pissed find both challengin and amusing. I snuck in SAS style, closed the door and was trying to navigate the key into the back of the door when it occured to me that I was being watched. There was Mini E, in her PJs (at 4am) munching on a piece of toast. Cue horrified look and attempt to act sober. There was some sort of welcoming committee in the kitchen, and my sister asked if I'd been smoking. I made some comment about being out with people that were smoking, and she pointed out that she wasn't basing the assumption on the smell of smoke... there were two packets of fags hanging out of my pocket. Subtle. I pointed out that the toast she was eating was contravening the rules of her diet and that I was going to report her to Weight Watchers who would beat her to death with ears of corn whilst shouting 'wholemeal, five a day' (what a comeback) then went and passed out in the wrong bed. Yay me.
Mini E
I'll be increasing the load in her backpack until I can happily send her out to work.
I know what you're thinking, and yes, she does sleep in that box in the background...
Other random points
♥ "he's just too old-school to get excited by this new generation of running, jumping zombies who look like they 'just came from the gym". Fuck me, I love Romero
♥ Someone during my evening out passed comment that they'll always remember me for the sing-along's we used to have in the bar, and for my endless Partridge quotes. Along with another influence this week I've found myself watching Partridge Series One for the first time in months. Ten years on and it still makes me laugh out loud.... kiss my face.
♥ The zoo was awesome. Mini E loved the giraffes and the gorillas, and thanks to my sister I almost got beaten about the head by a chimpanzee. Cash back.
♥ I am addicted to reading at the moment. This was delivered as a late birthday present yesterday and I can't wait to read it. This is only slightly possibly maybe related to the fact that I'm currently avoiding my Quantum Physics module. I happen to like Physics about as much as Jack Bauer enjoys popping out for a Chinese....
♥ My evening out (and subsequent inability to parent upon my return home) demonstrated that Mini E is more than capable of surviving a full evening without me. This certainly isn't bad news, although I've spent the last week paying for it in ultra-clingy behaviour - think face hugger from Aliens and you're on the right track...
♥ This work is never going to do itself is it? Sigh.
"Er Mister Partridge, you've got a bit of chocolate on your face"
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
That sounds like a quality, old school night out. Rock. I'm going to cut out and keep the "boys" section for future reference, it makes a lot of sense.
I did Quantum Mechanics in my third year at uni in a class that started off as 32 and ended up with 9 by week 3. I got 71%, which I was happy with, but I did ask the Russian lecturer in week 7 if he was just making it up...
Wow sounds an interesting night, it is weird how you can go out some times and things just never change.
I know the single feeling, it sucks that there is often nothing in the way of relationship material when you go out.
I still don't get hangovers so all I will say is noooo don't quits the drinking.
Oooh that is a bit of a moral problem ain't it. I still don't like cheaters, really don't.
I think you clearly won that debate though. Any victory where you are not in fact the last one standing is funny.
Mini E looks cute.