"I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored"
My hatred of the National Health Service continues. I have now been given a diagnosis by four different health professionals. All of them are significantly different. I just wish that I could afford to go private. Or buy some plastic explosives. I'd just blow up a couple of trolleys, see if that would get them to listen, and get her seen by a half decent paediatrician. I can just see the headlines now;
"Crazed mother discussed terrorism plot with internet perverts days before attack" ...
Needless to say, it could all get a little John Q if it doesn't all sort itself out soon.
*Breathe*
Top five things that I hate at Christmas;
(1) Sellotape
I had it a mere thirty seconds ago so where the fuck has the end gone? Do they purposefully make it clear to piss me off? I could, of course. stick the end to my trouser leg between uses. Oh yes, it's now covered in fluff and dog hair therefore making the present look like it's been wrapped by a hobo. A sellotape dispenser I hear you cry ... well given that I'm not a middle aged office worker I'll give that a miss thank you.
(2) The radio
Everytime that Noddy big haired bastard Holder screams 'It's Christmas' I want to turn to the first available person and stab them in the jugular using my own elbow that I have conveniently sharpened into a point to inflict maximum damage. I think it's also fair to assume (given his obvious age) that Sir Cliff Richard is indeed immortal, and that the only way to stop him tormenting us every cocking Christmas with his whiny bible bashing drivel is to give him a small dose of decapitation.
(3) Food
Why am I worrying about what we're all going to eat for one day of the year? Is it the underlying fear that if it all goes horribly wrong we'll all starve to death as Pizza Hut is closed? What if we've forgotten to buy Melba toast? The supermarket will be closed .... dear lord noooo ... WHAT THE FUCK WILL WE EAT THE PATE WITH?
Fuck global warming, forgetting to buy something this important at Christmas will be what causes the end of the world. Spiderman, X Men, Jack Bauer ... none of them can save us now.
(4) Family
I've been perfectly happy to spend Christmas on my own for the past 3 years. Of course, given the slight change of circumstance I will be spending it this year with my family. It will undoubtedly involve a burnt dinner, arguments, bickering over what shitty Xmas Day TV to watch, pretending to like presents I hate. My mother will get drunk and slur at my child and my sister will have a Bucks Fizz, claim to be pissed, have a mardy then think she's having a panic attack. The dog is clever enough to pretend to be asleep. Piss flaps.
(5) Santa
He's an obese big bearded old bastard who likes little children to sit on his knee and tell him what they like. He's hardly a role model is he? I just don't get it. Under our tree there were always the presents from Santa, then a bunch of presents from Auntys, Uncles and Grandparents. Where the fuck were the presents from my mum and dad eh? Why doesn't Santa do ALL the presents? It's such a ridiculous bag of shite.
There is of course one thing that will no doubt make me feel somewhat festive ...
"Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries"
My hatred of the National Health Service continues. I have now been given a diagnosis by four different health professionals. All of them are significantly different. I just wish that I could afford to go private. Or buy some plastic explosives. I'd just blow up a couple of trolleys, see if that would get them to listen, and get her seen by a half decent paediatrician. I can just see the headlines now;
"Crazed mother discussed terrorism plot with internet perverts days before attack" ...
Needless to say, it could all get a little John Q if it doesn't all sort itself out soon.
*Breathe*
Top five things that I hate at Christmas;
(1) Sellotape
I had it a mere thirty seconds ago so where the fuck has the end gone? Do they purposefully make it clear to piss me off? I could, of course. stick the end to my trouser leg between uses. Oh yes, it's now covered in fluff and dog hair therefore making the present look like it's been wrapped by a hobo. A sellotape dispenser I hear you cry ... well given that I'm not a middle aged office worker I'll give that a miss thank you.
(2) The radio
Everytime that Noddy big haired bastard Holder screams 'It's Christmas' I want to turn to the first available person and stab them in the jugular using my own elbow that I have conveniently sharpened into a point to inflict maximum damage. I think it's also fair to assume (given his obvious age) that Sir Cliff Richard is indeed immortal, and that the only way to stop him tormenting us every cocking Christmas with his whiny bible bashing drivel is to give him a small dose of decapitation.
(3) Food
Why am I worrying about what we're all going to eat for one day of the year? Is it the underlying fear that if it all goes horribly wrong we'll all starve to death as Pizza Hut is closed? What if we've forgotten to buy Melba toast? The supermarket will be closed .... dear lord noooo ... WHAT THE FUCK WILL WE EAT THE PATE WITH?
Fuck global warming, forgetting to buy something this important at Christmas will be what causes the end of the world. Spiderman, X Men, Jack Bauer ... none of them can save us now.
(4) Family
I've been perfectly happy to spend Christmas on my own for the past 3 years. Of course, given the slight change of circumstance I will be spending it this year with my family. It will undoubtedly involve a burnt dinner, arguments, bickering over what shitty Xmas Day TV to watch, pretending to like presents I hate. My mother will get drunk and slur at my child and my sister will have a Bucks Fizz, claim to be pissed, have a mardy then think she's having a panic attack. The dog is clever enough to pretend to be asleep. Piss flaps.
(5) Santa
He's an obese big bearded old bastard who likes little children to sit on his knee and tell him what they like. He's hardly a role model is he? I just don't get it. Under our tree there were always the presents from Santa, then a bunch of presents from Auntys, Uncles and Grandparents. Where the fuck were the presents from my mum and dad eh? Why doesn't Santa do ALL the presents? It's such a ridiculous bag of shite.
There is of course one thing that will no doubt make me feel somewhat festive ...
"Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries"
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
No spoilers within spoilers? Denied!
I'm going to write to my MP