"At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking"
Yesterday the little madam turned 2 months old. Her current skills include the following;
♥ dribbling like a St Bernard
♥ grinning like a loon after taking a crap of such epic proportions it shoots out of the nappy and onto the lap of whoever happens to be holding her
♥ making noises like Eric Cartman
♥ rolling her tongue up in her bottom lip as if to call the person she's looking at a 'spaz'.
There's certainly no mistaking the fact that she's my daughter. I'm so very very proud.
Top four groups of people to piss me off this week;
(1) Estate Agents
I'm moving house in January, so have been dealing with the shower of shits known as estate agents once again. All I ask is that the agent has some knowledge of the property and is not a whiny little bitch. Basic knowledge will suffice. Knowing the answer to questions on the level of - "does the alarm work?" would be a start. I'm not asking for a list of fucking building materials used in the property. The stupid bint let us into the properties then stood in the hallway without showing us round, whilst chuntering to herself about how cold the houses were. Uhm, hello? Movement might help warm you up you lazy pug faced cow.
(2) Drivers
Not all drivers, but more specifically the bunch of bastards who park in the mother and baby spaces when they don't have kids. Or more annoyingly, when they do have kids but their kids are about 15 so they don't need the space. A crazed Elysia can be spotted in car parks across Nottingham yelling "where's your kid you asshole" at them. Not only is getting a car seat (complete with sprog) in and out of the car difficult at the best of times, but this is heightened when some retard prick parks next to you so that you can barely open the door. Then take into account the fact that the car seat weighs a fucking ton before you put a 13lb baby into it. Why the fuck am I having to cripple myself walking across the car park? Oh yes, because some fucking students who don't actually look old enough to be out on their own, let alone drive, have parked in the mother and baby section. Don't even look at me you tax dodging sub human emo scummers. Next time I'll be taking down your license plates then making an anonymous tip off to the police that you've been running over swans for fun. Take that bitches, ka-pow!
(3) Charity workers
I'm all for helping out those in need. Well ... as long as it doesn't involve knocking on my door. The dog, post op, has a big cone on his head. With him being so big we had to buy the largest size, and have to guide him through doorways. So, when some well meaning bloody do gooder knocks on the door to ask if I want to "help the aged" I'm not impressed. First off, the dog barks and wakes the baby. Then the dog proceeds to charge for the door and get stuck. Having guided him through the door he then pounds to the front door, effectively blocking it. Upset baby in arm, I then have to try and reach the front door latch over the dog. The dog decides to help out by trying to turn round. We are now stuck, door half open, dog wedged next to me and screaming child in the hallway. All this, for me to open the door and be greeted by some hippy asking if I'd like to give him some money. Due to the fact that he was a charity worker, I asked him politely to fuck off and shut the door in his face. Shut, not slammed. I'm not all bad you know.
(4) Healthcare professionals
Yet another 3am trip to the hospital that would be unnecessary if just any one of the many doctors, nurses or health visitors I've spoken to in the last eight weeks fucking listened to me. I love that it takes episodes of her stopping breathing for anyone to take the stupid single mother seriously. They take one look at my medical notes, see that I have 'mental health problems' and fob me off as a paranoid mother, all at the detriment of my daughters wellbeing. How angry am I? I'm pretty sure that there will come a point when this will happen;
I wish I'd thought of this first
"What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building? .... I don't wanna hear your excuses. The building needs to be at least 3 times the size of this"
Yesterday the little madam turned 2 months old. Her current skills include the following;
♥ dribbling like a St Bernard
♥ grinning like a loon after taking a crap of such epic proportions it shoots out of the nappy and onto the lap of whoever happens to be holding her
♥ making noises like Eric Cartman
♥ rolling her tongue up in her bottom lip as if to call the person she's looking at a 'spaz'.
There's certainly no mistaking the fact that she's my daughter. I'm so very very proud.
Top four groups of people to piss me off this week;
(1) Estate Agents
I'm moving house in January, so have been dealing with the shower of shits known as estate agents once again. All I ask is that the agent has some knowledge of the property and is not a whiny little bitch. Basic knowledge will suffice. Knowing the answer to questions on the level of - "does the alarm work?" would be a start. I'm not asking for a list of fucking building materials used in the property. The stupid bint let us into the properties then stood in the hallway without showing us round, whilst chuntering to herself about how cold the houses were. Uhm, hello? Movement might help warm you up you lazy pug faced cow.
(2) Drivers
Not all drivers, but more specifically the bunch of bastards who park in the mother and baby spaces when they don't have kids. Or more annoyingly, when they do have kids but their kids are about 15 so they don't need the space. A crazed Elysia can be spotted in car parks across Nottingham yelling "where's your kid you asshole" at them. Not only is getting a car seat (complete with sprog) in and out of the car difficult at the best of times, but this is heightened when some retard prick parks next to you so that you can barely open the door. Then take into account the fact that the car seat weighs a fucking ton before you put a 13lb baby into it. Why the fuck am I having to cripple myself walking across the car park? Oh yes, because some fucking students who don't actually look old enough to be out on their own, let alone drive, have parked in the mother and baby section. Don't even look at me you tax dodging sub human emo scummers. Next time I'll be taking down your license plates then making an anonymous tip off to the police that you've been running over swans for fun. Take that bitches, ka-pow!
(3) Charity workers
I'm all for helping out those in need. Well ... as long as it doesn't involve knocking on my door. The dog, post op, has a big cone on his head. With him being so big we had to buy the largest size, and have to guide him through doorways. So, when some well meaning bloody do gooder knocks on the door to ask if I want to "help the aged" I'm not impressed. First off, the dog barks and wakes the baby. Then the dog proceeds to charge for the door and get stuck. Having guided him through the door he then pounds to the front door, effectively blocking it. Upset baby in arm, I then have to try and reach the front door latch over the dog. The dog decides to help out by trying to turn round. We are now stuck, door half open, dog wedged next to me and screaming child in the hallway. All this, for me to open the door and be greeted by some hippy asking if I'd like to give him some money. Due to the fact that he was a charity worker, I asked him politely to fuck off and shut the door in his face. Shut, not slammed. I'm not all bad you know.
(4) Healthcare professionals
Yet another 3am trip to the hospital that would be unnecessary if just any one of the many doctors, nurses or health visitors I've spoken to in the last eight weeks fucking listened to me. I love that it takes episodes of her stopping breathing for anyone to take the stupid single mother seriously. They take one look at my medical notes, see that I have 'mental health problems' and fob me off as a paranoid mother, all at the detriment of my daughters wellbeing. How angry am I? I'm pretty sure that there will come a point when this will happen;
I wish I'd thought of this first
"What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building? .... I don't wanna hear your excuses. The building needs to be at least 3 times the size of this"
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I think the BMW is to say "hey look at me - i am WELL professional" - but all it said to me was "i have little or no skills - but my company will do very little work - and you will get very little change from 2 grand.... which we will put to another BMW so another little fucktard can unlock doors for other gulible good honest people".
2)again with the BMW "ooo i've got FAR too nicer car to park with the plebs... ooo theres no way my 4x4 which i have drove for 2 minutes through the city to get here could possibly fit in one of those spaces for NORMAL people"
3)when i was at uni - i did a bit of rag - i dressed up as the occasional bear or something and did little dances in various city centres. generally it was a bit of a laugh - we never made that much for charity - but we weren't offencive. generally we gave up a day - then went and got pissed.
WHICH IS WHY I HATE THE AVERAGE TOWN CENTRE "CHARITY WORKER" - cos if i am not mistaken - they get commission.
i feel better now
mother fuckers..
4) - i have NO opinion
They are NOT charity workers, I work for various charities, and we know them as "chuggers" they are paid by marketing companies to persuade you to make a direct debit to a charity.
The direct debit is then paid to the charity company for a year.
Only AFTER a year, does any money actually go to the good cause.
:o
Not good at all.