"The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away"
The process of becoming a 'real' person again has begun;
♥ I managed a full hour on my own yesterday while I had my hair cut **back of the net**. I have the necessary bleach and shades of pink waiting for the next opportunity for Lilah to have some 'Granny time'
- Hair restoration = 10 personality points
♥ After a mere seven weeks I've finally heard from a friend of mine. Maybe we'll get to meet up before the year is out. **Spiceworld**
- Adult interaction = 20 personality points
♥ The milking process is now perfected. This now means that I don't need to have a baby permanentely stuck to my chest like a Dyson. It also means that there is some possibility for a cheeky drink. **Jack-a-nack-a-nory**
- Limited alcohol intake = 2 personality points
Top five things we've learnt so far this week;
(1) Seven is not my lucky number
I went to the drs last week as I'd been feeling faint and dizzy and was worried that I might drop the little one.. I was fobbed off with a booking form for blood tests.
The little lady turned seven weeks on Saturday. On the way down to get my milking eqpt I lost my balance and managed to fall down seven steps complete with baby in arms. Luckily I didn't drop her but was terrified that she'd hit her head. The ambulance arrived mere minutes later at sevenam. Good news is that she's fine, not a scratch on her. She smiled at the paramedic all the way to A&E. Little flirt.
I now have to wait until the end of next week for my results and just hope that nothing happens in the meantime. [insert NHS rant here] Dick jockeys.
(2) Shopping is evil
What is it with this time of year? Where do all the extra people fucking come from? And why aren't any of them normal? Every shop is filled with odd, slow moving, irritating, chit chatting, shopping basket wielding freaks looking to buy shite like this for relatives that they don't even fucking like. It's as if the population increases 10 fold for a few months of the year. I can understand that the city is full of visitors doing their Xmas shopping but why, oh why, is Asda so fucking busy? Yes it's coming up to Christmas but why does that mean that every fucker in West Bridgford wants to go food shopping? And why cant Asda recognise that this bizzare occurence happens every year and try getting enough cocking stock in. All I want is a two minute trip to the shop for some chocolate milk ... not a forty five minute christmas fuck fest spent getting stuck in the middle of aisles that I don't want to fucking shop from because these incompetent spacktards with trolleys blatantly never played tetris, only to get to the milk chiller and find that it's sold out. Shelf stacking shit shovellers.
(3) Our vet is a cunt
I've spent more money at the vets this month than on the house. The dog has had surgery, X-Rays and numerous consultations with the 'top' vet. What I'd like to know is where he got his qualifications? From watching crazy paedo Rolf Harris at some random pet hospital on BBC1? From a market stall? The Royal Veterinary College for overpriced unneccessary procedures and bullshit. Go get a real qualification you cock badger. We all know that vets are just people who wanted to be doctors but were too fucking stupid to get in. You short arsed bug eyed goldfish spanking pet botherer.
(4) Things are very different this Chtistmas
These were my thoughts last year ... Tomorrow the sprogs 'Spongebob Squarepants' advent calendar goes up. Being a good mother I will of course oblige and eat the chocolates for her. Then, on Saturday we're taking a trip to Sherwood Forest to pick a tree and visit Santa. I will of course be demanding to see Santas Criminal Record before letting Lilah get anywhere near his knee. We'll be having no festive bearded paedos ruin our Christmas thankyou very much.
(5) My last post was wasted on you all
Sort it out people. You're missing out by not having seen 24. Go buy Season 1 on DVD, stock up on snacks, a 200 carton of cigs, turn your phone off and then watch it. All in one go. With the necessary breaks it'll take about the full 24 hours. Start at 7am one morning and by 7am the next day you'll be hooked. It'll be one of the best things you've ever done. You can thank me later.
Stop ... * hammertime *
"It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination."
The process of becoming a 'real' person again has begun;
♥ I managed a full hour on my own yesterday while I had my hair cut **back of the net**. I have the necessary bleach and shades of pink waiting for the next opportunity for Lilah to have some 'Granny time'
- Hair restoration = 10 personality points
♥ After a mere seven weeks I've finally heard from a friend of mine. Maybe we'll get to meet up before the year is out. **Spiceworld**
- Adult interaction = 20 personality points
♥ The milking process is now perfected. This now means that I don't need to have a baby permanentely stuck to my chest like a Dyson. It also means that there is some possibility for a cheeky drink. **Jack-a-nack-a-nory**
- Limited alcohol intake = 2 personality points
Top five things we've learnt so far this week;
(1) Seven is not my lucky number
I went to the drs last week as I'd been feeling faint and dizzy and was worried that I might drop the little one.. I was fobbed off with a booking form for blood tests.
The little lady turned seven weeks on Saturday. On the way down to get my milking eqpt I lost my balance and managed to fall down seven steps complete with baby in arms. Luckily I didn't drop her but was terrified that she'd hit her head. The ambulance arrived mere minutes later at sevenam. Good news is that she's fine, not a scratch on her. She smiled at the paramedic all the way to A&E. Little flirt.
I now have to wait until the end of next week for my results and just hope that nothing happens in the meantime. [insert NHS rant here] Dick jockeys.
(2) Shopping is evil
What is it with this time of year? Where do all the extra people fucking come from? And why aren't any of them normal? Every shop is filled with odd, slow moving, irritating, chit chatting, shopping basket wielding freaks looking to buy shite like this for relatives that they don't even fucking like. It's as if the population increases 10 fold for a few months of the year. I can understand that the city is full of visitors doing their Xmas shopping but why, oh why, is Asda so fucking busy? Yes it's coming up to Christmas but why does that mean that every fucker in West Bridgford wants to go food shopping? And why cant Asda recognise that this bizzare occurence happens every year and try getting enough cocking stock in. All I want is a two minute trip to the shop for some chocolate milk ... not a forty five minute christmas fuck fest spent getting stuck in the middle of aisles that I don't want to fucking shop from because these incompetent spacktards with trolleys blatantly never played tetris, only to get to the milk chiller and find that it's sold out. Shelf stacking shit shovellers.
(3) Our vet is a cunt
I've spent more money at the vets this month than on the house. The dog has had surgery, X-Rays and numerous consultations with the 'top' vet. What I'd like to know is where he got his qualifications? From watching crazy paedo Rolf Harris at some random pet hospital on BBC1? From a market stall? The Royal Veterinary College for overpriced unneccessary procedures and bullshit. Go get a real qualification you cock badger. We all know that vets are just people who wanted to be doctors but were too fucking stupid to get in. You short arsed bug eyed goldfish spanking pet botherer.
(4) Things are very different this Chtistmas
These were my thoughts last year ... Tomorrow the sprogs 'Spongebob Squarepants' advent calendar goes up. Being a good mother I will of course oblige and eat the chocolates for her. Then, on Saturday we're taking a trip to Sherwood Forest to pick a tree and visit Santa. I will of course be demanding to see Santas Criminal Record before letting Lilah get anywhere near his knee. We'll be having no festive bearded paedos ruin our Christmas thankyou very much.
(5) My last post was wasted on you all
Sort it out people. You're missing out by not having seen 24. Go buy Season 1 on DVD, stock up on snacks, a 200 carton of cigs, turn your phone off and then watch it. All in one go. With the necessary breaks it'll take about the full 24 hours. Start at 7am one morning and by 7am the next day you'll be hooked. It'll be one of the best things you've ever done. You can thank me later.
Stop ... * hammertime *
"It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination."
VIEW 19 of 19 COMMENTS
every fucker in West Bridgford wants to go food shopping
Hucknall Tesco's is no different, judging by the size of the average shopper I think they're laying down winter layers of insulation...
nah its classy - it might be a netto or an aldi.
its different if you wake up next to someone who you thought was fit - but on second glance only had 10 teeth or is quadroplegic or is neither animal or vegitable.
But when you have spent more money on a gaff than you will ever actually own (40 year mortgage - WOOO!)
hmmm
read through your post from a year ago... weird isn't it... how much everything changes in a year?
you and the bub?
me and two houses - job change and a stupid part of the country?
whoops - i've had a couple of beers and got all deep
wont happen again
promise