elysia

Total time from waters breaking to babys arrival; 46 hours 12 minutes
Total blood loss; 400ml
Drugs; Paracetamol, Codeine, Gas and Air, Epidural, Local Anaesthetic, IV Antibiotics, Synotocin Drip
Babys weight; 8lb 1oz
Head Circumference; 33.5cm
Stitches; yes, was far too busy off my face on Gas and Air to ask how many
Other bodily fluids; Projectile vomiting, and yes, my sister assures me there was poo
Apgar scores; 6, 9 and 10
Date of Birth; Saturday 7th October

Finally got to the hospital for 3am Saturday morning, by which point I was feeling really ill and had started projectile vomiting. Was led into a room and had to wait for what seemed like an eternity for a midwife. I was later to discover that I went to school with her, how embarrassing! Was now only 4cm dilated and was demanding an epidural. They hooked me up to a monitor and found that the babys heart rate was slow and that despite the contractions being strong, they weren't working very fast enough. I was found to have a high temperature, and the next few hours are a bit hazy.
There were lots of doctors, lots of needles, lots of talk about C-Sections. I was given drugs to speed up and intensify my contractions and had until 1pm before they were going to intervene. Luckily by half 12 I was ready to push. I'd gone from 4cm to 10cm in two and a half hours. The head of Labour Suite had to give the green light for me to be allowed to push, and so started just after 1pm. Baby arrived, with the cord wrapped round her neck at 1:42pm as my sister watched (complete with horrified look on her face!)

♥ Epidurals don't always work.
Mine left me with sensation in my left hand side and had worn off completely by the time the real fun began.
♥ The last contraction takes forever to arrive.
The baby is half in half out, you're stretched beyond comprehension, you have an OVERWHELMING urge to push but have to wait for that last contraction. I'm pretty sure time actually stopped. I blamed the midwife personally for this.
♥ Losing massive clots afterwards is normal
It was my second trip for a wee after the birth, I coughed as I stood up, and was convinced that my insides had actually just fallen out. I wasn't sure which part I'd lost at the time (in hindsight, maybe a kidney?) but panicked and pulled the emergency cord. Turns out it's totally normal. Thanks for the warning bitches.
♥ Rectal Exam
I didn't sign up for this shit *no pun intended*

"Wow, that's like another baby" - My Sisters response upon seeing the placenta.

"Quick ladies, before I choke" - For some reason this came out in a comedy posh British accent having asked my mum and sister to help me sit up straight before projectile vomiting the litre of water I'd just drunk.

"Sorry, I seem to be using your fanny as a pin cushion" - The midwife who was doing my stitches.

"On Mock The Week, this would come under 'Things you don't want to hear your midwife say'" - My reaction to the above quote after a fuck load of gas and air.

"I can see the head, would you like me to take a picture?" - My sister offering encouragement.

"But it was just fucking massive, kind of like a trout pout" - My sisters description of my labouring vag. Nice.

After some appalling healthcare it was a full 19 hours later that the midwife agreed that something was wrong and called a paediatrician. At just 20 hours old she was taken down to Neo-Natal Intensive Care and given a lumbar puncture, full blood and urine testing and a chest X-Ray. The be all and end all is that she got a lot more poorly before she got any better, and we spent 8 days in hospital. We've had a few scares since, and she has a hospital appointment next Wednesday to check that everything is OK. We'll have a clearer idea by the time she's 12 weeks old as to whether there are any further problems.