"Here's something that if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck, don't slap a guy across the face with a glove because if you do that, that's what he will think . Unless you're a noble man or something in the nineteenth century. Which I am not."
18 days to go ..
I've been feeling dodgy all day. This is particularly excellent for fully explaining all symptoms to people and watching them cringe as they consider the possibility that your waters could break all over their carpet/seating/shop at any moment.
Top five things to really annoy the hormonal pregnant woman
(1) Mothercare
If you can see past the plain and simple fact that everything is 15 times more expensive than normal because it's for a baby then you're making a good start. (Or, like myself, you've been brainwashed by numerous books and magazines and no longer notice the plain daylight robbery) The staff are cock sucking labia spankers and are amongst the least helpful in any retail outlet. Luckily however, they offer internet shopping and home delivery so you can bypass the butt munching muppets. This does not actually help though when they send you a cotbed with no fucking assembly instructions. Hence call to premium rate phone number. If you would like to place an order press one, if you would like to check stock availability press two, if you'd like some fuckwit telephone operator with what sounds like a fake Irish accent to apologise in the most in-sincere way for having fucked up your order for the second time this week whilst charging you an extortionate amount of money for the pleasure of this call, please press three.
(2) Living with your sibling
Financially, an excellent move. In every other way possibly imaginable it's a fucking nightmare. How's about when you actually ever bother to empty the bin you put a new bag in there? The white fluffy thing with the green handle? Yes, that's a duster. We use it to make the house clean. I see the magical fairies have been in again and got rid of the long dark hairs on the bathroom wall. Which reminds me, what the fuck do you actually do in there to get it such a state? Oh you've cooked Tikka Masala for your dinner? Excellent. Once you've finished pretending to wash the pan, and have put it away in the cupboard complete with masala still stuck on it I can get to work scrubbing the sauce from the worktops, ceiling, work surfaces and front of the washing machine. What was that? You've stained my cushions with Masala and not bothered to soak them leaving them to instead ruin? Fan-fucking-tastic. Living with you is such a joy dear sister. You just wait. When you finally pluck up the courage to bring someone home with you I'll be waiting with those photos of that time you decided to cut your own hair, and the home videos from 1992.
(3) BT Download Nazis
I pay british telecom for the use of broadband. Not a great package, an extortionate amount of money but nonetheless, I'm paying them. I would therefore prefer it if they did not dictate what services I can and cannot use. In my quest for missed series of 24, episodes of House and inevitably new porn I opened my file sharing software, found what I wanted and hit download. This then opens up a web browser for a site where you pay to download music. Right, you Jack Bauer depriving bunch of telecommunication nazi shitters, I don't want to download music. What I want to download cannot be obtained at present by the exchange of currency for entertainment. So fuck right off. Oh, and your adverts are shite. That woman's far too old for him.
(4) Daddy longlegs
What is your purpose and why do you find the need to aimlessly float around my house in droves bumping into things? You either need to (a) Actually learn how to fucking fly higher than 1ft off the floor (b) Fatten up your legs so that they can actually weight bear and you can fuck off the wings and start walking, or (c) Go get stuck in the 'suicide' lamp in my living room where you seem to enjoy flying repeatedly into the hot lightbulb until you die.
(5) Royal Mails Redirection Service
A chargeable service enabling you to receive post at an alternative address a day later than normal? No, not really. It is in fact a chargeable service enabling you to receive approximately 20% of your post at an alternative address an average of 5 days after normal. That is of course, assuming that my post isn't being returned to sender for having the incorrect sized stamp on it in correlation to it's height and weight ratio. Postal pricks. Royal mail? I bet the Queen is really proud
"The first time I was struck with something, a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garbage pail. I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out. The second time, it hit me square on the chin, a soft taco. Then, pop. A falafel. McNuggets. Always fast food. Fast food. Shit people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy. It tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment"
18 days to go ..
I've been feeling dodgy all day. This is particularly excellent for fully explaining all symptoms to people and watching them cringe as they consider the possibility that your waters could break all over their carpet/seating/shop at any moment.
Top five things to really annoy the hormonal pregnant woman
(1) Mothercare
If you can see past the plain and simple fact that everything is 15 times more expensive than normal because it's for a baby then you're making a good start. (Or, like myself, you've been brainwashed by numerous books and magazines and no longer notice the plain daylight robbery) The staff are cock sucking labia spankers and are amongst the least helpful in any retail outlet. Luckily however, they offer internet shopping and home delivery so you can bypass the butt munching muppets. This does not actually help though when they send you a cotbed with no fucking assembly instructions. Hence call to premium rate phone number. If you would like to place an order press one, if you would like to check stock availability press two, if you'd like some fuckwit telephone operator with what sounds like a fake Irish accent to apologise in the most in-sincere way for having fucked up your order for the second time this week whilst charging you an extortionate amount of money for the pleasure of this call, please press three.
(2) Living with your sibling
Financially, an excellent move. In every other way possibly imaginable it's a fucking nightmare. How's about when you actually ever bother to empty the bin you put a new bag in there? The white fluffy thing with the green handle? Yes, that's a duster. We use it to make the house clean. I see the magical fairies have been in again and got rid of the long dark hairs on the bathroom wall. Which reminds me, what the fuck do you actually do in there to get it such a state? Oh you've cooked Tikka Masala for your dinner? Excellent. Once you've finished pretending to wash the pan, and have put it away in the cupboard complete with masala still stuck on it I can get to work scrubbing the sauce from the worktops, ceiling, work surfaces and front of the washing machine. What was that? You've stained my cushions with Masala and not bothered to soak them leaving them to instead ruin? Fan-fucking-tastic. Living with you is such a joy dear sister. You just wait. When you finally pluck up the courage to bring someone home with you I'll be waiting with those photos of that time you decided to cut your own hair, and the home videos from 1992.
(3) BT Download Nazis
I pay british telecom for the use of broadband. Not a great package, an extortionate amount of money but nonetheless, I'm paying them. I would therefore prefer it if they did not dictate what services I can and cannot use. In my quest for missed series of 24, episodes of House and inevitably new porn I opened my file sharing software, found what I wanted and hit download. This then opens up a web browser for a site where you pay to download music. Right, you Jack Bauer depriving bunch of telecommunication nazi shitters, I don't want to download music. What I want to download cannot be obtained at present by the exchange of currency for entertainment. So fuck right off. Oh, and your adverts are shite. That woman's far too old for him.
(4) Daddy longlegs
What is your purpose and why do you find the need to aimlessly float around my house in droves bumping into things? You either need to (a) Actually learn how to fucking fly higher than 1ft off the floor (b) Fatten up your legs so that they can actually weight bear and you can fuck off the wings and start walking, or (c) Go get stuck in the 'suicide' lamp in my living room where you seem to enjoy flying repeatedly into the hot lightbulb until you die.
(5) Royal Mails Redirection Service
A chargeable service enabling you to receive post at an alternative address a day later than normal? No, not really. It is in fact a chargeable service enabling you to receive approximately 20% of your post at an alternative address an average of 5 days after normal. That is of course, assuming that my post isn't being returned to sender for having the incorrect sized stamp on it in correlation to it's height and weight ratio. Postal pricks. Royal mail? I bet the Queen is really proud
"The first time I was struck with something, a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garbage pail. I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out. The second time, it hit me square on the chin, a soft taco. Then, pop. A falafel. McNuggets. Always fast food. Fast food. Shit people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy. It tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment"
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
I even remember my body count; last night it was 4, the night before 6 and the night before that 8. I can even hear them now in the darkness... They are hideous and the surest proof I can think of that there is no God, because why waste your time on creating something so utterly pointless. It could only be evolution and frankly I'm happy they are so dappy as it makes them easier to kill.
And then I spent the afternoon hoovering up squished cranefly bodies and legs. It's horrible!!! Why do they alway head for my bedroom???
Good luck with the last couple of weeks!!! Hope it doesn't take too long.
2) You sound like SomeOneUK about his flatmates!