"The truth is that you're a posh spaz"
Banzai ... Place bets now. I'm off for a 4D scan tomorrow so should finally get to find out if baby is a boy or a girl. The wonders of modern technology meant that I get to bring home a DVD of my baby moving about in my innards. They have requested a CD of backing music from me for the DVD. For some reason I can't seem to see past the idea of speeding it up and dubbing Benny Hill music over it. I'm such a bad mother ....
Top five things that need to go into Room 101
(1) My television
I do now feel as if I'm well and truly being screwed over by the TV Licensing people who are charging me for a TV License when there is FUCKING NOTHING ON. The Season Finale of House last night was the final nail in the coffin. So what's left? Some shit films, the World Cup and Big Brother. I'd rather chew off my own labia than watch any of that shit. I'm coming up to my last trimester so I'm getting a bit too pregnant to enjoy nights out and all my DVDs are packed for the move. Inconsiderate bigwig fuckface jiz gurgling TV executive swan raping arsewipe ponces.
(2) Bus Drivers
I tell you what. I'll stand at the bus stop looking like I've deep throated a basketball and accidentally swallowed it and you can stop the bus miles away. In the road perhaps. No no no, don't worry about lowering the step. I'm more fucking agile than I've ever been before. Give me time to sit down before pulling off at top speed? Nah mate don't worry about it, I'll just roll down the bus like a fucking weeble. No, you just sit there like the lardy paedo that you are and I'll pay for the priviledge. Awesome.
(3) Healthcare Professionals
How many healthcare professionals does it take to miss a serious infection before you eventually get hospitalised? Seven. It's not that they actually missed it. They kept sending samples to the lab to get them tested then never chasing up the results. For thirteen weeks. Not that it's a serious mistake. I'm just more at risk of going into premature labour now and spent the day having emergency ultrasounds and being strapped to a heart rate monitor. White coat wearing laboratory dodging sample requesting fat faced chimp nibbling toffs.
(4) The cunt that's buying my house
Right you fucking rude boy. Pack up your drug money and your ho's and bitche's and get ready to fucking move. Why do you care when the garage was built and why the fuck do you want to see planning permission? You have a car that is blatantly stolen and I'd be suprised if you can spell your own name. Fuck, I'd be suprised if you have a proper name, and don't just call yourself DJ Bitchslap or some other wank. Just hurry the fuck up already and stop requesting STUPID details you little gobshite. Fucking first time buying stalling gender bending ass hole.
(5) Leg hair
Leg shaving takes some degree of manouverability. Such movement isn't possible when you're the same shape as Humpty Dumpty, and the only real difference between yourself and humpty dumpty is that you couldn't get to sit on a wall unless the army were to airlift you up there. I'm seriously considering sellotaping a pencil (or similar object) to the end of my razor to give me greater movement. There is absoloutely no need for leg hair. Inconsiderate fuckwit follicles.
"I said the same thing to Sinead O'Connor once and she mace'd me
Banzai ... Place bets now. I'm off for a 4D scan tomorrow so should finally get to find out if baby is a boy or a girl. The wonders of modern technology meant that I get to bring home a DVD of my baby moving about in my innards. They have requested a CD of backing music from me for the DVD. For some reason I can't seem to see past the idea of speeding it up and dubbing Benny Hill music over it. I'm such a bad mother ....
Top five things that need to go into Room 101
(1) My television
I do now feel as if I'm well and truly being screwed over by the TV Licensing people who are charging me for a TV License when there is FUCKING NOTHING ON. The Season Finale of House last night was the final nail in the coffin. So what's left? Some shit films, the World Cup and Big Brother. I'd rather chew off my own labia than watch any of that shit. I'm coming up to my last trimester so I'm getting a bit too pregnant to enjoy nights out and all my DVDs are packed for the move. Inconsiderate bigwig fuckface jiz gurgling TV executive swan raping arsewipe ponces.
(2) Bus Drivers
I tell you what. I'll stand at the bus stop looking like I've deep throated a basketball and accidentally swallowed it and you can stop the bus miles away. In the road perhaps. No no no, don't worry about lowering the step. I'm more fucking agile than I've ever been before. Give me time to sit down before pulling off at top speed? Nah mate don't worry about it, I'll just roll down the bus like a fucking weeble. No, you just sit there like the lardy paedo that you are and I'll pay for the priviledge. Awesome.
(3) Healthcare Professionals
How many healthcare professionals does it take to miss a serious infection before you eventually get hospitalised? Seven. It's not that they actually missed it. They kept sending samples to the lab to get them tested then never chasing up the results. For thirteen weeks. Not that it's a serious mistake. I'm just more at risk of going into premature labour now and spent the day having emergency ultrasounds and being strapped to a heart rate monitor. White coat wearing laboratory dodging sample requesting fat faced chimp nibbling toffs.
(4) The cunt that's buying my house
Right you fucking rude boy. Pack up your drug money and your ho's and bitche's and get ready to fucking move. Why do you care when the garage was built and why the fuck do you want to see planning permission? You have a car that is blatantly stolen and I'd be suprised if you can spell your own name. Fuck, I'd be suprised if you have a proper name, and don't just call yourself DJ Bitchslap or some other wank. Just hurry the fuck up already and stop requesting STUPID details you little gobshite. Fucking first time buying stalling gender bending ass hole.
(5) Leg hair
Leg shaving takes some degree of manouverability. Such movement isn't possible when you're the same shape as Humpty Dumpty, and the only real difference between yourself and humpty dumpty is that you couldn't get to sit on a wall unless the army were to airlift you up there. I'm seriously considering sellotaping a pencil (or similar object) to the end of my razor to give me greater movement. There is absoloutely no need for leg hair. Inconsiderate fuckwit follicles.
"I said the same thing to Sinead O'Connor once and she mace'd me
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
Have you tried Cillit Bang, it gets rid of most things, probably do the hairs too, although I suspect the guy on the advert tried to use it on his balls and now he can only shout to cover up the continual whimpering he emits.
Right, I think I've gained enough pleasure from shaving alternatives, on to bus drivers. Cunty little wisp today on my journey to work played a lovely game of granny bowling. Why are they such tools, if I was a bus driver I'd find something productive/nice to do with my time, like crack or seeing how far I dare drive with my eyes closed.
Boy or girl???? Did you find out?