"Insert your own fucking funny quote here"
I simply don't have the time. I've suddenly got three weeks until completion of my house sale and currently have nowhere to go. I'm a tad stressed out. Not to mention large. I could do with having a brother with the strength and size of Sloth to help me move my furniture. Not that lifting sofa beds down stairs at 6mths pregnant isn't a fuck load of fun. That and he could keep shouting "Hey you guys" to make me smile.
It's the top five
(1) New house Application
By some stroke of luck I've managed to find a new place that would be suitable. There is some concern that the landlady is going to change her mind about letting me rent with a dog, sister and baby in tow but fingers crossed for the application all going through ok as it's a little piece of heaven in the nicest part of Nottingham.
Statistically I'm 15 times less likely to have my house broken into, 6 times less likely to have my car stolen, and 25 times less likely to be beaten/stabbed/shot. It's gotta be a good thing.
(2) Fathers Day
Thanks Hallmark for giving me another excuse to think about the shitty idea that my child has to be born into a life with a fuckwit for a father. Jizz juggling spank monkey. I've marked the occasion by packing all the impregnators things into a box to give to charity. (Failing that I may just burn them and toast some marshmallows, whilst laughing insanely like a crazy lady)
(3) Buying a pushchair is like buying a car
In fact it's probably more complicated. After what seems like years of searching I have stumbled across the pushchair to end all pushchairs. Described by the shop assistant as a "mans pushchair made by men" it is a well made, non girly piece of baby moving precision machinery. The only question now is which colour to buy it in ....
I simply don't have the time. I've suddenly got three weeks until completion of my house sale and currently have nowhere to go. I'm a tad stressed out. Not to mention large. I could do with having a brother with the strength and size of Sloth to help me move my furniture. Not that lifting sofa beds down stairs at 6mths pregnant isn't a fuck load of fun. That and he could keep shouting "Hey you guys" to make me smile.
It's the top five
(1) New house Application
By some stroke of luck I've managed to find a new place that would be suitable. There is some concern that the landlady is going to change her mind about letting me rent with a dog, sister and baby in tow but fingers crossed for the application all going through ok as it's a little piece of heaven in the nicest part of Nottingham.
Statistically I'm 15 times less likely to have my house broken into, 6 times less likely to have my car stolen, and 25 times less likely to be beaten/stabbed/shot. It's gotta be a good thing.
(2) Fathers Day
Thanks Hallmark for giving me another excuse to think about the shitty idea that my child has to be born into a life with a fuckwit for a father. Jizz juggling spank monkey. I've marked the occasion by packing all the impregnators things into a box to give to charity. (Failing that I may just burn them and toast some marshmallows, whilst laughing insanely like a crazy lady)
(3) Buying a pushchair is like buying a car
In fact it's probably more complicated. After what seems like years of searching I have stumbled across the pushchair to end all pushchairs. Described by the shop assistant as a "mans pushchair made by men" it is a well made, non girly piece of baby moving precision machinery. The only question now is which colour to buy it in ....
(4) "I don't know how she'd have coped without her husband"
There seem to be a queue of women waiting to tell me about how difficult single parenting is. I'd like to take the opportunity to issue an OFFICIAL statement and respond to them ...
It makes a nice change from just going home and having a quiet sob.
(5) Leaking nippled
Overshare
"Meh"
VIEW 24 of 24 COMMENTS
Glad you managed to find a new place. Dont let the bastards wear you down.
Take care of yourself
I had to ring up this american dude today - his name was "Chuck Wood"
all i wanted to ask him was how much wood he could chuck, if he could chuck wood