Did you hear about Deborah? She was out all day drinking heroin out of a hot water bottle. She fell down onto a burning sword and exploded into a million bits and then she was attacked by these two tiny dwarves made entirely out of celery and spider sperm, and they were throwing this big tin foil otter that theyd stolen off a bus full of school children who were smuggling chutney across the Mexican border in their heads.
The last few days have been an excellent excuse to sit and watch all the episodes of Black Books in preparation for Dylan Moran tomorrow night. I just hope that I can survive the evening without proposing marriage.
Top five things from the week off work so far ..
(1) Asking those all important questions
Some aspects of life simply require challenging. Some questions just need answers. For example, why is it that you only get the same amount of sauce in a King Pot Noodle as you do in a Regular Pot Noodle? What is the correct Pot Noodle to sauce ratio?
Or, if you had to .... would you rather eat your own shit or have sex with Ken (big fat perverted ageing leader of the BNP party who ordered his Thai wife on the internet)?
In the event of them making the A-Team into a movie who would play them?
How many computer games have you been bothered enough to complete and was it really worth it?
Is watching porn where a lady takes it up the shitter then likes his cock slightly repulsive?
(2) Being scared by a five year old
It was impossible to resist the urge to go and see The Omen today given the date. The original was amongst one of the first horror movies that I ever watched, and is probably responsible for my fear of children (on second thoughts no ..... its just the small hands . remind me of carnies). Needless to say I wont be calling my child Damien.
I couldn't really take Michael Gambons character seriously having seen him on Top Gear this week.
Still, demonic children are scary as fuck. Evil finger painting devil cock sucking fright monsters.
(3) Destroying a childhood fantasy
What better way to describe an afternoon watching X-Men 3? Im very very very disappointed. Luckily there was a trailer for the new Kiefer Sutherland movie before the film started so all is not lost. That and I got to laugh at all the people who left when the credits started and so missed the end. Mwahahaha. Student card brandishing impatient turkey titty twisting tossbags. Having loved the cartoon as a kid I feel as if a small part of my childhood has now been eternally ruined. Piss flaps.
Edited to add: What the fuck is going on with Vinnie "I can't act for shit" Jones? Why would you? Why? I would rather rip my own face off and the staple it onto a diseased mole than cast him as a mutant. Arse bandits.
(4) Having a night out
My lovely friend Daniel (one of the few remaining friends who can see past my impending motherhood) took me out for a drink last night, and for the first time since the start of the year I actually felt like a real person. It was like old times. A few quiet drinks on the grass outside the Trip, over to the Castle and the Sal, out for dinner and then over to Arriba. It was really nice to just get out of the house and have a laugh. It was a good substitute for my missed weekend of SGUK debauchery. Plus, no night out is complete without a celebrity look-a-likey spotting and last night we spotted none other than .... the pirate guy off Dodgeball! Excellent!
(5) Shopping
I fucking hate shopping (usually). Town is always full of slow moving pensioners and shoplifting chavs, and I resent parting with money that I just dont have (you can call me Rigsby). There is however something immensely satisfying about shopping for your child. It can be a little confusing when youre shopping for someone that youve not met yet, but all in all its an excellent experience. The only possible drawback is the level of excitement involved. I got a very bizarre look from my friend Chris who spotted me wandering around a shop yesterday with a breast pump under my arm muttering to myself about what great value it was. Now who said that I wasnt cool?
Tomorrow I get to take a day trip to Rotherham. I bet youre all just sooooo jealous!
You cant smoke in the no smoking compartments, and you cant smoke in the smoking compartment because its so fucking smoky that you cant find your fags
The last few days have been an excellent excuse to sit and watch all the episodes of Black Books in preparation for Dylan Moran tomorrow night. I just hope that I can survive the evening without proposing marriage.
Top five things from the week off work so far ..
(1) Asking those all important questions
Some aspects of life simply require challenging. Some questions just need answers. For example, why is it that you only get the same amount of sauce in a King Pot Noodle as you do in a Regular Pot Noodle? What is the correct Pot Noodle to sauce ratio?
Or, if you had to .... would you rather eat your own shit or have sex with Ken (big fat perverted ageing leader of the BNP party who ordered his Thai wife on the internet)?
In the event of them making the A-Team into a movie who would play them?
How many computer games have you been bothered enough to complete and was it really worth it?
Is watching porn where a lady takes it up the shitter then likes his cock slightly repulsive?
(2) Being scared by a five year old
It was impossible to resist the urge to go and see The Omen today given the date. The original was amongst one of the first horror movies that I ever watched, and is probably responsible for my fear of children (on second thoughts no ..... its just the small hands . remind me of carnies). Needless to say I wont be calling my child Damien.
I couldn't really take Michael Gambons character seriously having seen him on Top Gear this week.
Still, demonic children are scary as fuck. Evil finger painting devil cock sucking fright monsters.
(3) Destroying a childhood fantasy
What better way to describe an afternoon watching X-Men 3? Im very very very disappointed. Luckily there was a trailer for the new Kiefer Sutherland movie before the film started so all is not lost. That and I got to laugh at all the people who left when the credits started and so missed the end. Mwahahaha. Student card brandishing impatient turkey titty twisting tossbags. Having loved the cartoon as a kid I feel as if a small part of my childhood has now been eternally ruined. Piss flaps.
Edited to add: What the fuck is going on with Vinnie "I can't act for shit" Jones? Why would you? Why? I would rather rip my own face off and the staple it onto a diseased mole than cast him as a mutant. Arse bandits.
(4) Having a night out
My lovely friend Daniel (one of the few remaining friends who can see past my impending motherhood) took me out for a drink last night, and for the first time since the start of the year I actually felt like a real person. It was like old times. A few quiet drinks on the grass outside the Trip, over to the Castle and the Sal, out for dinner and then over to Arriba. It was really nice to just get out of the house and have a laugh. It was a good substitute for my missed weekend of SGUK debauchery. Plus, no night out is complete without a celebrity look-a-likey spotting and last night we spotted none other than .... the pirate guy off Dodgeball! Excellent!
(5) Shopping
I fucking hate shopping (usually). Town is always full of slow moving pensioners and shoplifting chavs, and I resent parting with money that I just dont have (you can call me Rigsby). There is however something immensely satisfying about shopping for your child. It can be a little confusing when youre shopping for someone that youve not met yet, but all in all its an excellent experience. The only possible drawback is the level of excitement involved. I got a very bizarre look from my friend Chris who spotted me wandering around a shop yesterday with a breast pump under my arm muttering to myself about what great value it was. Now who said that I wasnt cool?
Tomorrow I get to take a day trip to Rotherham. I bet youre all just sooooo jealous!
You cant smoke in the no smoking compartments, and you cant smoke in the smoking compartment because its so fucking smoky that you cant find your fags
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
Did you see that A-Team reunion thing with the annoying beardy guy on E4? Seeing Jewellery man again was worth it alone. I forgot how much of a blokey series it really was, it was basically Jackass with a plot.
I think you should conduct this test, although yes, accidents would probably be a-plenty.