"You don't need a license to drive a sandwich"
Fucking bank holidays meant the library (along with every bastard other place I wanted to go) was shut. Pah hah kiss my thumb.
I've just finished day two of the new job. It's officially the most dismal job I've ever done so I'll be very very happy to fuck it off in a few months and go have some labour. That's right.
Top five random ramblings of a bored pregnant woman;
(1) Nothing fucking fits
Oh yes, my favourite pair of jeans have now been sadly packed away into a box as they no longer fit. I wouldn't mind if I looked pregnant but at the moment I seem to be at a middle stage of looking more like i'm obese than gestating. Think pies not baby and you're getting there.
(2) Kiefer Sutherland vs Eddie Izzard
Yep, the guy who took my training group yesterday looked like the love child of Kiefer and Eddie. Not as sexy as you may think and yet strikingly uncanny. Had it been a straight forward Kiefer look-a-like I may have jumped him (it's hormonal I swear). The Eddie genetics however merely made me picture him walking around the front of the room in PVC trousers, heels and lipstick talking about action transvestites. Had he mentioned the words 'cake' or 'death' I may just well have soiled myself.
(3) Nottingham wins yet another title
Highest burglary rates. Do you think? Even the nicest areas have 6% more burglary than the national average. At the end of the day if you don't want to have all your stuff stolen don't live in a terraced house. It's just asking for trouble. Either that or just don't live in Nottingham. On the plus side there are many pubs around the city that you can go into and buy a cheap X Box 360 so everyone's a winner!
(4) Hide and Seek
Yes, the terrible Robert De Niro film with Dakota Fanning. I rented it. First mistake. I read the cover. Second mistake. It says something about there being an unexpected twist at the end. I pressed play. Five minutes in I decided that I knew what the most "unlikely" scenario was then wasted a further hour and a half to find out I was right. An utter pile of steaming shite. I really hate bad films.
(5) The Impregnator : The Sequel
I haven't actually heard from him for the last 3 or 4 weeks and am not suprised. What I do hate is hearing that my friends have bumped into him on a Friday night while he's staggering around town like a drunken twat. When they mention his impending fatherhood he makes out that he's in the know about everything etc etc. The guy doesn't even know the due date or how far gone I am. He's a total fucking joke. I don't think I could ever feel so much dislike for another human being. Here's hoping he stays well out of our way.
In some good news the house sale is officially back on, and my buyer has already paid for the survey so i'm all enthused again. Yay for moving house.
"Crucifixion? One cross each, line on the left"
Fucking bank holidays meant the library (along with every bastard other place I wanted to go) was shut. Pah hah kiss my thumb.
I've just finished day two of the new job. It's officially the most dismal job I've ever done so I'll be very very happy to fuck it off in a few months and go have some labour. That's right.
Top five random ramblings of a bored pregnant woman;
(1) Nothing fucking fits
Oh yes, my favourite pair of jeans have now been sadly packed away into a box as they no longer fit. I wouldn't mind if I looked pregnant but at the moment I seem to be at a middle stage of looking more like i'm obese than gestating. Think pies not baby and you're getting there.
(2) Kiefer Sutherland vs Eddie Izzard
Yep, the guy who took my training group yesterday looked like the love child of Kiefer and Eddie. Not as sexy as you may think and yet strikingly uncanny. Had it been a straight forward Kiefer look-a-like I may have jumped him (it's hormonal I swear). The Eddie genetics however merely made me picture him walking around the front of the room in PVC trousers, heels and lipstick talking about action transvestites. Had he mentioned the words 'cake' or 'death' I may just well have soiled myself.
(3) Nottingham wins yet another title
Highest burglary rates. Do you think? Even the nicest areas have 6% more burglary than the national average. At the end of the day if you don't want to have all your stuff stolen don't live in a terraced house. It's just asking for trouble. Either that or just don't live in Nottingham. On the plus side there are many pubs around the city that you can go into and buy a cheap X Box 360 so everyone's a winner!
(4) Hide and Seek
Yes, the terrible Robert De Niro film with Dakota Fanning. I rented it. First mistake. I read the cover. Second mistake. It says something about there being an unexpected twist at the end. I pressed play. Five minutes in I decided that I knew what the most "unlikely" scenario was then wasted a further hour and a half to find out I was right. An utter pile of steaming shite. I really hate bad films.
(5) The Impregnator : The Sequel
I haven't actually heard from him for the last 3 or 4 weeks and am not suprised. What I do hate is hearing that my friends have bumped into him on a Friday night while he's staggering around town like a drunken twat. When they mention his impending fatherhood he makes out that he's in the know about everything etc etc. The guy doesn't even know the due date or how far gone I am. He's a total fucking joke. I don't think I could ever feel so much dislike for another human being. Here's hoping he stays well out of our way.
In some good news the house sale is officially back on, and my buyer has already paid for the survey so i'm all enthused again. Yay for moving house.
"Crucifixion? One cross each, line on the left"
VIEW 25 of 30 COMMENTS
Karma obviously knows of my jealousy of your Robin "Hoodys", for today I went on Chav safari into Wetherspoons and, although the chavs were thin on the ground, saw a lovely couple getting heavy on the sofas. I would normally count this as entertainment enough, but fate had more for me that day. It was a scene akin to Indiana Jones swapping th bag of sand for the gold statue. But instead of Indiana it was an old man sat on a chair behind the couple. And clutched in one hand wasn't the statue, but what I presumed to be his cock and balls. And instead of simply replacing the statue with the sand, he was wanking it.
He even looked me in the eye briefly as he did it.
I felt blessed. Dirty, yes, but blessed none the less.
The impregnator gonna regret it some day, missing out on something so precious as his baby growing but at least the little ones going to have a gorgeous mummy who loves them heaps.
and best dressed, most definately...remmeber he'll be out of those clothes soon so be nice to me and you might get a little package