"Where it once said COCK it now says COOK"
This week has seen me doing my bestest (my word ... leave it alone) Charlie Dimmock impression. Oh how I hate gardening. There was an incident involving 18 tonnes of topsoil, solid concrete and far too much turf from a few years back that tainted my view of gardening. Digging holes for no fucking reason at all. I'm not looking for buried treasure ... I'm looking for the roots of a cocking plant. Oooh where else would I want to be when it's -1 outside than trimming the fucking hedge? Well no-one likes a messy bush now do they? Arse Bandit.
Top five things of the week;
(1) Osmosing Fattism
A new phrase used to describe the strange phenomenon of my sister being able to smell imaginary fatty foods. I decided that as it couldn't possible be my house it must in fact be her osmosing fattism. Ewwww.
(2) Fashionable gardening attire
Also described as the "mentalist hobo look," I have been dressing ultra sexy this week. Pink wellies, old jeans, big jumper and sailing jacket. No items match but combined are the ultimate in winter gardening wear. I'm sure of it. My embarrased younger sibling (dressed in Karen Millen and Ted Baker) refused to be seen with me, and was therefore very upset when she came home to find me waiting for her, sat on the bonnet of her car pretending to be mental and dribbling at her. Ha fucking ha.
(3) My friend James perception of me
Having not stepped foot into the office I work in since September I haven't seen anyone that I work with for ages. I jokingly sent an email reply to a co-worker asking if he remembered what I looked like and his response was;
"I do remember what you look like, you have a press stud in your lip and your covered in dog hair!!!!
An excellent way to describe me and so true. As anyone who has ever met me can testify, my dark dress sense mixed with fluffy white dog doesn't mix too well. I still really want to point out that you are is spelt YOU'RE not YOUR. I'm so fucking anal. Whereas James just enjoys fucking anus.
(4) HSBC Bank
... are a bunch of fucking guinea pig raping shit eating titty twisting monkey poking buttock clenching money stealing goat herding dwarf juggling foot fetishing clitoris missing fire starting carrier bag molesting big fucking toss bag bunch of wankers with shitty call centres and ridiculous charges you lie and say you've sent something when you haven't and i fucking hope the lot of you rot in hell. Cock jism ass moose fellator. Take it to the Ombudsman? Shove it up your furry arse! I work in a bank and I took A Level law and whilst we both know that what you've done is illegal we are also both under no illusion that I could take you on and win. Meanwhile hows about you keep illegally stealing my money and flaunting the banking code you shower of fucking shits. You know I can't be arsed to take it to fucking Watchdog. Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt.
(5) My Boss
Stupid fucking tranny bitch with your fake caring attitude and your blatant disregard for employment law and company ethics. We both know that you are not allowed to say that to me and we also know that they'll take your word over mine, and that Elysia vs Big American Bank will not work in my favour. So shove your fucking job up your saggy anus and drag (ha ha) your man boobs and varicose veins along with the stupid way you smoke and your fake laugh back to the tranny clinic as you're an absolute bastard.
Erm ... I hate banks. Sperm banks and blood banks are probably ok. It's not been a good week. Piss flap.
"It now says PASS where it once said PISS"
This week has seen me doing my bestest (my word ... leave it alone) Charlie Dimmock impression. Oh how I hate gardening. There was an incident involving 18 tonnes of topsoil, solid concrete and far too much turf from a few years back that tainted my view of gardening. Digging holes for no fucking reason at all. I'm not looking for buried treasure ... I'm looking for the roots of a cocking plant. Oooh where else would I want to be when it's -1 outside than trimming the fucking hedge? Well no-one likes a messy bush now do they? Arse Bandit.
Top five things of the week;
(1) Osmosing Fattism
A new phrase used to describe the strange phenomenon of my sister being able to smell imaginary fatty foods. I decided that as it couldn't possible be my house it must in fact be her osmosing fattism. Ewwww.
(2) Fashionable gardening attire
Also described as the "mentalist hobo look," I have been dressing ultra sexy this week. Pink wellies, old jeans, big jumper and sailing jacket. No items match but combined are the ultimate in winter gardening wear. I'm sure of it. My embarrased younger sibling (dressed in Karen Millen and Ted Baker) refused to be seen with me, and was therefore very upset when she came home to find me waiting for her, sat on the bonnet of her car pretending to be mental and dribbling at her. Ha fucking ha.
(3) My friend James perception of me
Having not stepped foot into the office I work in since September I haven't seen anyone that I work with for ages. I jokingly sent an email reply to a co-worker asking if he remembered what I looked like and his response was;
"I do remember what you look like, you have a press stud in your lip and your covered in dog hair!!!!
An excellent way to describe me and so true. As anyone who has ever met me can testify, my dark dress sense mixed with fluffy white dog doesn't mix too well. I still really want to point out that you are is spelt YOU'RE not YOUR. I'm so fucking anal. Whereas James just enjoys fucking anus.
(4) HSBC Bank
... are a bunch of fucking guinea pig raping shit eating titty twisting monkey poking buttock clenching money stealing goat herding dwarf juggling foot fetishing clitoris missing fire starting carrier bag molesting big fucking toss bag bunch of wankers with shitty call centres and ridiculous charges you lie and say you've sent something when you haven't and i fucking hope the lot of you rot in hell. Cock jism ass moose fellator. Take it to the Ombudsman? Shove it up your furry arse! I work in a bank and I took A Level law and whilst we both know that what you've done is illegal we are also both under no illusion that I could take you on and win. Meanwhile hows about you keep illegally stealing my money and flaunting the banking code you shower of fucking shits. You know I can't be arsed to take it to fucking Watchdog. Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt.
(5) My Boss
Stupid fucking tranny bitch with your fake caring attitude and your blatant disregard for employment law and company ethics. We both know that you are not allowed to say that to me and we also know that they'll take your word over mine, and that Elysia vs Big American Bank will not work in my favour. So shove your fucking job up your saggy anus and drag (ha ha) your man boobs and varicose veins along with the stupid way you smoke and your fake laugh back to the tranny clinic as you're an absolute bastard.
Erm ... I hate banks. Sperm banks and blood banks are probably ok. It's not been a good week. Piss flap.
"It now says PASS where it once said PISS"
VIEW 25 of 32 COMMENTS
You went to Swaffham! Was it exciting?
My boss recently found that to contact his local branch (which is about a mile down the road), he had to call Sri Lanka to be re-routed. Cutting off their nose to spite their customers' faces?
I like digging. So much so that I dug three ponds in my back garden.
I'm seeing the Boosh live tomorrow!
"Put away those fiery biscuits!"
HSBC: Truer words were never spoken. Have you ever considered a career in politics?
I'd vote for you