"Your moves are like being caressed by natural yoghurt"
Sorted out the ex. We're gonna hang out this week and he's taking me to see cute boys kissing tomorrow so it's all good.
With any luck we will be able to do the friends thing without anything else getting in the way. Watch this space!
Top 5 talking points so far this week;
(1) Why do sex and reproduction have to be linked?
Sex is fun. Babies are evil incarnate. Why can a boy not just put his knob into a girl without having to worry about pills and implants or rubber and the such-like. Naughty evil sex wee. Dirty ovaries. I am the one person in the world that is probably the least qualified to have a womb. I don't want it. No thanks.
(2) There are certain situations in which flirting is just plain wrong
Legs spread on the gyno table is an example. Whilst having sex with someone else is another. Today was a prime example badly timed flirtation. Being chatted up by a male nurse who was interviewing me as to why I needed emergency contraception. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I don't give a shit that you used to take photographs of terrorists for a living. How is that relevant to finding out the first day of my last period? Hmm? Just because I'm here for this specific reason doesn't mean I'm going to put out you fat little fucking paedophile worshipper.
(3) Local newspaper headlines rock
You just couldn't make it up. The headline of the Nottingham Evening Post today is as follows;
'Burglar hid haul inside his false leg'.
"When police raided the home of Adrian Newbold, 31, they found three mobile phones, bank cards and a purse inside the leg" What a great article
(4) The people of Nottingham are too stupid to cross the road
Yes I understand that they changed the one way system in the city centre to two way traffic and it may be a tad confusing. In all fairness though that was fucking months ago and there are traffic lights to let you know when to cross.
It's really simple. When it's green you cross. When it's red you wait. What you don't do is look one way, cross half the road prompting other fuckwits to follow then nearly get run over and cause ultimate chaos.
If you are lucky to possess the half a brain cell that it takes to understand how the lights work and when it is safe to cross you'll probably find that when you make it to the other side of the road no fucker is going to let you onto the pavement. They will merely stand there staring like a wall of human retards. Monkey fuckers.
(5) My sister is a dickhead
Whilst talking to a customer at work it came up in conversation that he is a bookmaker by occupation. My sisters response? "What kind of books do you make?" Dumbass. The easiest way I found to explain it to her? Put it into a context she knows. Eastenders. Double dumbass. How are we genetically related?
I've been tagged for that questionnaire thingy so here it is;
Sorted out the ex. We're gonna hang out this week and he's taking me to see cute boys kissing tomorrow so it's all good.
With any luck we will be able to do the friends thing without anything else getting in the way. Watch this space!
Top 5 talking points so far this week;
(1) Why do sex and reproduction have to be linked?
Sex is fun. Babies are evil incarnate. Why can a boy not just put his knob into a girl without having to worry about pills and implants or rubber and the such-like. Naughty evil sex wee. Dirty ovaries. I am the one person in the world that is probably the least qualified to have a womb. I don't want it. No thanks.
(2) There are certain situations in which flirting is just plain wrong
Legs spread on the gyno table is an example. Whilst having sex with someone else is another. Today was a prime example badly timed flirtation. Being chatted up by a male nurse who was interviewing me as to why I needed emergency contraception. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I don't give a shit that you used to take photographs of terrorists for a living. How is that relevant to finding out the first day of my last period? Hmm? Just because I'm here for this specific reason doesn't mean I'm going to put out you fat little fucking paedophile worshipper.
(3) Local newspaper headlines rock
You just couldn't make it up. The headline of the Nottingham Evening Post today is as follows;
'Burglar hid haul inside his false leg'.
"When police raided the home of Adrian Newbold, 31, they found three mobile phones, bank cards and a purse inside the leg" What a great article
(4) The people of Nottingham are too stupid to cross the road
Yes I understand that they changed the one way system in the city centre to two way traffic and it may be a tad confusing. In all fairness though that was fucking months ago and there are traffic lights to let you know when to cross.
It's really simple. When it's green you cross. When it's red you wait. What you don't do is look one way, cross half the road prompting other fuckwits to follow then nearly get run over and cause ultimate chaos.
If you are lucky to possess the half a brain cell that it takes to understand how the lights work and when it is safe to cross you'll probably find that when you make it to the other side of the road no fucker is going to let you onto the pavement. They will merely stand there staring like a wall of human retards. Monkey fuckers.
(5) My sister is a dickhead
Whilst talking to a customer at work it came up in conversation that he is a bookmaker by occupation. My sisters response? "What kind of books do you make?" Dumbass. The easiest way I found to explain it to her? Put it into a context she knows. Eastenders. Double dumbass. How are we genetically related?
I've been tagged for that questionnaire thingy so here it is;
"You're about as edgy as a satsuma"
VIEW 25 of 48 COMMENTS
perdy:
Yep it also allows you to go out and drink far too many fucking cocktails and eat pizza. It does not unfortunately help with the hangover. Must have forgot to include that in the contract. Damn it!
perdy:
I'm old, I'm allowed to have hangovers, it's years of accumulative damage!