"Zombies man ... they freak me out"
I popped out yesterday at 11am to accomplish three things;
(1) buy vegetables
(2) have fringe cut
(3) buy present for sister
I did not manage to do any of the above but did get home at half past five this morning more utterly fucked than I have ever been in my entire life. I also returned home with 'Land of The Dead', 'Wedding Crashers' and a cute new garter belt that matches my hair ... yay me
Top 5 things that I remember from yesterdays marathon 14 hour drinking session;
(1) How many people have you slept with?
I thought this might be a funny topic of conversation to have with a friend of mine who is a bit of a slut-whore ho man bitch. I've slept with more people so it wasn't and also proves that he's not a slaaaaaag. But maybe I am?
(2) Quote of the evening.
This coverted award goes to my friend Daniel. We were sat discussing piercings and I was listing the next ones that I want in the order I want them. When I got to tongue he stopped me with the line "I thought you already had your tongue done?" *pulls out tongue to show lack of piercing* to which he replied with the great line; "So if you don't have your tongue done who did?" Excellent.
(3) Pixie Troll
This is the loving nickname that a friend has given to his housemate. Pixie Troll decided to come meet us for a drink and just before she arrived I was like "dude .. what's her actual name cos I can't call her Pixie Troll all night". He refused to tell me. This was hilarious because we were drunk and because he kept slipping the initials PT or the words pixie and troll into the conversation. I blagged it by calling her random girls names. Seemed to work.
(4)The best Xmas present ever
I dragged my best friend out last night against his will and he said he was going to bring my present. He apparentely has already told me one drunken evening out what it was but I have no recollection. It does seem that my Alan Partridge-a-thon has had a positive effect on him. He actually went out, bought a chocolate orange, fucked up the box a bit then wrapped it up. Voila ... a shop soiled chocolate orange. Bless him.
(5) Horrible man stories
You guys really are fuckers. Yes ... every mother fucking last one of you. But it is funny. [insert random guys name here] actually dated a girl for six months for the simple reason that she had Sky TV and there was a new series of Buffy on at the time. She was apparentely fat and he refused to be seen with her. Buffy ended and so did their relationship. Why does that story make me laugh so much?
The ultimate in dating disasters happened last night. A guy that I care about very very much who is a total committment phobe and just doesn't date turned round to me and uttered the words "I'd do it for you, you know ... settle down and have a real relationship". Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
fuck fuckety fuck fucking anal otter raping shit eating donkey twatting cat fiddling garden hose breaking spunk fucker
Needless to say I am now very very confused indeed. Why do the guys I go for never say shit like that? Possibly because they're all grade A wankers. As I'm still fucked off about my last disastrous attempt at dating I'll give it a miss thanks. No more crashing and burning for me. No fucker is even getting close enough to get in and he's far too close already.
Only two more drinking days til it's T total time.
"We've got a stage five .... dude it's a STAGE FIVE CLINGER! Did you hear me? Stage five VIRGIN CLINGER"
I popped out yesterday at 11am to accomplish three things;
(1) buy vegetables
(2) have fringe cut
(3) buy present for sister
I did not manage to do any of the above but did get home at half past five this morning more utterly fucked than I have ever been in my entire life. I also returned home with 'Land of The Dead', 'Wedding Crashers' and a cute new garter belt that matches my hair ... yay me
Top 5 things that I remember from yesterdays marathon 14 hour drinking session;
(1) How many people have you slept with?
I thought this might be a funny topic of conversation to have with a friend of mine who is a bit of a slut-whore ho man bitch. I've slept with more people so it wasn't and also proves that he's not a slaaaaaag. But maybe I am?
(2) Quote of the evening.
This coverted award goes to my friend Daniel. We were sat discussing piercings and I was listing the next ones that I want in the order I want them. When I got to tongue he stopped me with the line "I thought you already had your tongue done?" *pulls out tongue to show lack of piercing* to which he replied with the great line; "So if you don't have your tongue done who did?" Excellent.
(3) Pixie Troll
This is the loving nickname that a friend has given to his housemate. Pixie Troll decided to come meet us for a drink and just before she arrived I was like "dude .. what's her actual name cos I can't call her Pixie Troll all night". He refused to tell me. This was hilarious because we were drunk and because he kept slipping the initials PT or the words pixie and troll into the conversation. I blagged it by calling her random girls names. Seemed to work.
(4)The best Xmas present ever
I dragged my best friend out last night against his will and he said he was going to bring my present. He apparentely has already told me one drunken evening out what it was but I have no recollection. It does seem that my Alan Partridge-a-thon has had a positive effect on him. He actually went out, bought a chocolate orange, fucked up the box a bit then wrapped it up. Voila ... a shop soiled chocolate orange. Bless him.
(5) Horrible man stories
You guys really are fuckers. Yes ... every mother fucking last one of you. But it is funny. [insert random guys name here] actually dated a girl for six months for the simple reason that she had Sky TV and there was a new series of Buffy on at the time. She was apparentely fat and he refused to be seen with her. Buffy ended and so did their relationship. Why does that story make me laugh so much?
The ultimate in dating disasters happened last night. A guy that I care about very very much who is a total committment phobe and just doesn't date turned round to me and uttered the words "I'd do it for you, you know ... settle down and have a real relationship". Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
fuck fuckety fuck fucking anal otter raping shit eating donkey twatting cat fiddling garden hose breaking spunk fucker
Needless to say I am now very very confused indeed. Why do the guys I go for never say shit like that? Possibly because they're all grade A wankers. As I'm still fucked off about my last disastrous attempt at dating I'll give it a miss thanks. No more crashing and burning for me. No fucker is even getting close enough to get in and he's far too close already.
Only two more drinking days til it's T total time.
"We've got a stage five .... dude it's a STAGE FIVE CLINGER! Did you hear me? Stage five VIRGIN CLINGER"
VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
Have a cracking new year lady! i'm sure you'll enjoy yourself!
Me i'm off to dress up as a ninja (or Biggles)!