elu

im having some problems with creativity lately. i felt the need to dig up all of my old journals to spark some sort of idea for a photo project. i was really miserable in high school. it was so weird reading all of the things i used to bitch about. how dumb. i kinda wish i was still that naive, however. i wanted a boyfreind so so so so bad and then i got one and then i cheated on him, and then i liked 3 other boys and at the same time was breaking the hearts of the sweet ones that i wasnt interested in. i kinda miss being able to write peoples feelings off so easily. i have some major doubts about the relationship im in now. i just feel so young still and miss the feeling of someone new putting their arm around me...or the first kiss... or the first orgasm... if i could live in a world of firsts forever i think id be happy. i guess id have to get used to people hurting me as well, but i think i would much rather have my heart broken than to break someone elses. i kinda like the rebound fling after all of that too. i guess im confused. the boyfreind and i are supposed to be moving in together in september. i broke up with him once before and it was not a nice breakup (not like they usually are, but sometimes if you make someone hate you then losing you isnt all that bad after all. if you just make someone sad its unbearable...)

im destined to be a slutty ol' spinster