ellebelle

My friend told me I should be hanging out on post to find a sugar daddy LOL. I told her she was right, but I don't want to go alone and all my friends here are in relationships. Military guys don't even make that much but in this day and age every bit helps! LOL. One day I will tell you about this guy in Seattle who loves me. He started out as a sugar daddy thing but now it is out of control. It is kind of a bad situation. I don't know if I mentioned him before to you. That was the guy I went to see some months ago. He plans to fly me out there to him again in a month or so, and I will definitely tell him to drive me to Portland so we can meet!

Anyway, I have nothing to do so I will give you the rundown a little. He thinks he is my boyfriend, but I don't consider him that. I haven't yet figured out how to get away from him. :-( he really helps me out when I need it, and he is a very sweet guy. I care for him a lot but I do not want to be with him. He is about to go into the military in a few months. He was like, "the money I make during basic training I want you to have so you can take Alana to Disneyworld or wherever she wants to go". He is a real sweetie. I told him I'll think about moving in with him (NOT) but he can't plan his life around me. I told him Alana is my priority and nothing is going to get in the way og me finishing school and becoming a nurse, nothing short of the grave. He says he would rather have me in his life temporarily than not at all. Nothing I tell this guy sticks.

I do not feel good about this situation. I am not the type that uses people, and I don't like to owe anyone. I feel like this will affect a serious relationship I plan to have with someone else in the future. I will always be wondering if they are being sincere. I have been dropping hints to this guy like crazy, but he doesn't get it. I can't dump him now because he needs my support to get through his rough time (being unemployed). I always planned to use Alana as an excuse (I told him I won't move in with any man until I believe she is ready to see that, since she is still hurting over her dad) to get out of moving in with him. He is a great guy though, very patient and calm with children. He would be a good male role model for her, but I can't go there without getting in over my head. Even more than I am now. I figured the distance between us would have put a stop to this all, but it didn't work. :-(

I also feel that I have to stick around for a bit longer so I won't get bad karma out of this. I have been upfront with him (95% of the time lol). He knows I'm seeing someone else, etc. I told him I have no plans to get married or have kids again- but HE STILL won't leave me alone. And he wants that badly! He says he respects my decision and hopes I will change it. NO way! No more custody fights for me EVER again! I feel bad for him because he is in love with me, I can hear it in his voice and in the things he says. But I don't feel that way towards him. The other night he asked me if I ever "longed for someone so much that my body literally ached". I told him no. But I lied, I know that feeling- just not for him.

I guess if I was really bitter on relationships or had a bleak look in general about love- I would be with him. He is the definition of 'security'. But even after getting my heart broken, I still believe in love and that is what I want in life. I just don't know what to do *sigh*.

Oh yeah, on the L word. I'm sad it is ending, but the creator is a nutjob. Sometimes I don't know what she is thinking. She went from being a hero to hated over the course of the show. I know about Max, I have been reading recaps of the episodes. My friend doesn't have Showtime on her cable package. I saw most of the last season, except the final episode, I do know what happened though I read about the shows I can't see on the tv or on youtube.

I heard Max got left by Tom. What a shitty situation (if it were real of course lol). You'd think even if he slept with a gay man they would be having anal sex and not vaginal- but people do 'strange' things in the bedroom. I'm not one to judge. Gender and gender preference is a crazy thing. Can you imagine what this world would be like if it were okay to express those feelings? No wonder the fundies try their hardest to keep it men& women only. LOL. Good luck to that.

I just knew Tasha & Alice weren't going to last. And Tasha got booted out of the military for a relationship that's not even going to work out. That is why I never get mad at people who choose to use their head over their hearts. (Or vice versa). In life you never know what is around the corner. I know everyonw was cheering when she left- I was happy too, but the military was everything to her character. She wasn't like me, who did my job but was thrilled to be outta there.. Now she'll be a cop.

Now Jenny. Jenny Jenny Jenny. I like her character, she is wierd and nuts. When she had her nervous breakdown I felt for her and loved her character even more, because I know what it is like to just want to let it all out. I'm not surprised she's in love with Shane. But obviously, that won't end well.

I think Bette & Tina need to wait on having baby #2, they weren't even back together long enough to see if they will work out. I will say, that is very realisitic though. How many couples have more kids in a hurry, or at least before they examine the relationship closer. I will admit, the scene where they kiss and reunite at the party is one of my favorite clips. I watch it all the time. And the song, Dream by Alice Smith is now one of my all time favorite songs.