TAKE FLIGHT
I met an amazing man, Crow. He is a bit crazy, unconventional, full of passion, sexy, intelligent, honest, and beautiful...he is also the best lover I have ever had. Sex with him amazes me (I will explore this subject on future posts
I've met great people before this special being, but non have impressed me as much as I am impressed with this man. I usually run away from relationships...I've been hurt very badly before.
Not hurt as in, "my feelings were hurt; my heart was broken", but hurt as in, "I lost consciousness...I can't remember a thing, but this black eye says it all; I will never be able to sleep again, after he put that gun in my mouth and told me that if I ever left him, he would gladly put a bullet in my head...then put another one in his; I will kill the next person that raises his hand to hit me...I will kill the next man who does this to me; I don't know what to say to you doctor, he...the monster...is seating next to me...he drove me to the emergency room...if I tell you anything, he will kill me, for sure, when we get back home...yes, doctor, I fell down the stairs and lost consciousness...I fell; I am leaving him today, I will call the police and try to get protection...I need to figure out how to kill him, when he comes after me; I can't believe that he didn't come after me...all this time, all of these beatings, the gun that he bought to kill me with, all of it...a bluff...the mother fucker was bluffing...I am a coward...I stayed with him so long out of fear...I am a fucking coward...I will kill him...I am going to look for his bluffing ass and kill him...dead".
Yeah, I was hurt more like that. Just to think that I knew the monster for just 2 years. Before him, I was just a beach bum, a busy writer, a student, a fairy, a stoner, a flower girl, a passionate lover, a loyal friend, the life of every party and a dreamer. Two years is all it took to change my life entirely...tattooed forever with pain. After surviving the monster, first, I became a guerrilla militant, clearing away people with my machete of cynicism, then I became the hunter, hungry for human prey to use for sex and giggles, finally, after the healing, I became the nurturing, kind and fearless warrior that I am today.
It took double the time that I knew him, to heal enough for me to feel like I could go on again. I underwent some serious therapy, just to get me to get rid of the gun that I bought to kill that motherfucker, if I was ever able to find his coward ass again. I used to stay up at night and imagine the look on his face, right before I shot him right between the eyes. The abuse was so intense, that I really thought that the only way to right this wrong, was to kill him (one of my favorite movies is Kill Bill 2...you can see why). The day I got rid of the gun, I saw my reflection on a lake. I knew I would be OK, because I was letting go of the anger and guilt as well. I accepted my responsibility (it is complicated, but sometimes, you have to stand up for yourself, even in the face of death). I was ready to be me again....a different version of me. No one, I thought, would see the old me again. She got herself into a bunch of trouble...naive and vulnerable me...was shelved for good....or so I thought.
There, I've written it. Ha! First time for everything. Most people that know me, even my best friends, my ex-husband and family, don't have a clue that I've endured such terror. Those that know a bit of it, don't know the real extent of it. Even as I post this, I only gave but a few, vague glimpses of it...the truth is that I've never told another living soul about some of the things that took place. I never will...it wouldn't serve a purpose. I am now OK with things. My life was threatened repeatedly by a man I trusted many years ago. That is the bottom line...everything else has lost its relevance. Time, indeed, has healed most wounds. All I have now, is emotional scar tissue.
You can imagine how a person like me could be very guarded about relationships and who I place my trust in. I don't fall "in love" anymore...or so I thought. I enter relationships, as long as the exit doors are well marked and unblocked...or so I thought.
Today I realized that I haven't looked for the exit doors since I met this man...I haven't even attempted to see if there are any in this space at all, much less to see if the doors are in good operational condition. I am giddy with the idea that after all these years, this cool and trusting girl that I once was, is making an appearance in my life again. This is so fucking awesome...I can't tell you how happy I am for me. I don't care if I sound egocentric here...I am happy for me.
So I am aiming for long term relationship with this man. I guess I already have a relationship with him, but he lives far away. That will soon change. He is moving to Colorado, where I live.
Lot's will change. The way I operate, "out here", will change. No more serial dating (I can just hear we shall overcome" playing in the background). I am thankful for my experiences and the people I have met. LOL! Now I sound like I'm on the podium at the academy awards..."and I'd like to thank my mother, my agent, all of those men who have banged me really good before, the academy, the porn actresses that taught me everything I know, and god".
Seriously, this man is worth the small modifications. I expect to have the bumps and the turns. Not all is perfect and I can already tell what our problems areas will be, but the point here is that I trust that we will work it out. More importantly, that I give a shit enough to want to work things out and get deeply involved in a relationship.
I just have to notify everyone on "the list", before he makes his way over. LOL...not really, I haven't dated anyone since I met him, however, some of my "regulars" have no idea, mainly because I've been MIA, so I need to make some sort of announcement. Maybe I'll take out an ad in the paper...full page. "Effective immediately, Ella Bella is no longer available for occasional dates, movie watching, non-committal sex, mental games, online sex, phone sex, casual dating or salsa dancing (always leads to sex...always)". That should take care of it.
Wow...look where I am, the things I'm saying, the giddiness and gushiness of it all. Where is my armor? Where are my mental weapons? I can't believe this. Have I finally found healing? It's over...it's officially over. I can love and trust again.
I am me unguarded...jugular exposed...again. May the universe show me kindness. I could be hurt again, but life is not worth living, if you are not willing to take risks. I am diving into oblivion without a parachute.
I wonder if this old bird can remember how to fly. We shall see. The view from this cliff is amazing. It will take just a few steps to take the leap. ONE...TWO...THREE...
I met an amazing man, Crow. He is a bit crazy, unconventional, full of passion, sexy, intelligent, honest, and beautiful...he is also the best lover I have ever had. Sex with him amazes me (I will explore this subject on future posts
I've met great people before this special being, but non have impressed me as much as I am impressed with this man. I usually run away from relationships...I've been hurt very badly before.
Not hurt as in, "my feelings were hurt; my heart was broken", but hurt as in, "I lost consciousness...I can't remember a thing, but this black eye says it all; I will never be able to sleep again, after he put that gun in my mouth and told me that if I ever left him, he would gladly put a bullet in my head...then put another one in his; I will kill the next person that raises his hand to hit me...I will kill the next man who does this to me; I don't know what to say to you doctor, he...the monster...is seating next to me...he drove me to the emergency room...if I tell you anything, he will kill me, for sure, when we get back home...yes, doctor, I fell down the stairs and lost consciousness...I fell; I am leaving him today, I will call the police and try to get protection...I need to figure out how to kill him, when he comes after me; I can't believe that he didn't come after me...all this time, all of these beatings, the gun that he bought to kill me with, all of it...a bluff...the mother fucker was bluffing...I am a coward...I stayed with him so long out of fear...I am a fucking coward...I will kill him...I am going to look for his bluffing ass and kill him...dead".
Yeah, I was hurt more like that. Just to think that I knew the monster for just 2 years. Before him, I was just a beach bum, a busy writer, a student, a fairy, a stoner, a flower girl, a passionate lover, a loyal friend, the life of every party and a dreamer. Two years is all it took to change my life entirely...tattooed forever with pain. After surviving the monster, first, I became a guerrilla militant, clearing away people with my machete of cynicism, then I became the hunter, hungry for human prey to use for sex and giggles, finally, after the healing, I became the nurturing, kind and fearless warrior that I am today.
It took double the time that I knew him, to heal enough for me to feel like I could go on again. I underwent some serious therapy, just to get me to get rid of the gun that I bought to kill that motherfucker, if I was ever able to find his coward ass again. I used to stay up at night and imagine the look on his face, right before I shot him right between the eyes. The abuse was so intense, that I really thought that the only way to right this wrong, was to kill him (one of my favorite movies is Kill Bill 2...you can see why). The day I got rid of the gun, I saw my reflection on a lake. I knew I would be OK, because I was letting go of the anger and guilt as well. I accepted my responsibility (it is complicated, but sometimes, you have to stand up for yourself, even in the face of death). I was ready to be me again....a different version of me. No one, I thought, would see the old me again. She got herself into a bunch of trouble...naive and vulnerable me...was shelved for good....or so I thought.
There, I've written it. Ha! First time for everything. Most people that know me, even my best friends, my ex-husband and family, don't have a clue that I've endured such terror. Those that know a bit of it, don't know the real extent of it. Even as I post this, I only gave but a few, vague glimpses of it...the truth is that I've never told another living soul about some of the things that took place. I never will...it wouldn't serve a purpose. I am now OK with things. My life was threatened repeatedly by a man I trusted many years ago. That is the bottom line...everything else has lost its relevance. Time, indeed, has healed most wounds. All I have now, is emotional scar tissue.
You can imagine how a person like me could be very guarded about relationships and who I place my trust in. I don't fall "in love" anymore...or so I thought. I enter relationships, as long as the exit doors are well marked and unblocked...or so I thought.
Today I realized that I haven't looked for the exit doors since I met this man...I haven't even attempted to see if there are any in this space at all, much less to see if the doors are in good operational condition. I am giddy with the idea that after all these years, this cool and trusting girl that I once was, is making an appearance in my life again. This is so fucking awesome...I can't tell you how happy I am for me. I don't care if I sound egocentric here...I am happy for me.
So I am aiming for long term relationship with this man. I guess I already have a relationship with him, but he lives far away. That will soon change. He is moving to Colorado, where I live.
Lot's will change. The way I operate, "out here", will change. No more serial dating (I can just hear we shall overcome" playing in the background). I am thankful for my experiences and the people I have met. LOL! Now I sound like I'm on the podium at the academy awards..."and I'd like to thank my mother, my agent, all of those men who have banged me really good before, the academy, the porn actresses that taught me everything I know, and god".
Seriously, this man is worth the small modifications. I expect to have the bumps and the turns. Not all is perfect and I can already tell what our problems areas will be, but the point here is that I trust that we will work it out. More importantly, that I give a shit enough to want to work things out and get deeply involved in a relationship.
I just have to notify everyone on "the list", before he makes his way over. LOL...not really, I haven't dated anyone since I met him, however, some of my "regulars" have no idea, mainly because I've been MIA, so I need to make some sort of announcement. Maybe I'll take out an ad in the paper...full page. "Effective immediately, Ella Bella is no longer available for occasional dates, movie watching, non-committal sex, mental games, online sex, phone sex, casual dating or salsa dancing (always leads to sex...always)". That should take care of it.
Wow...look where I am, the things I'm saying, the giddiness and gushiness of it all. Where is my armor? Where are my mental weapons? I can't believe this. Have I finally found healing? It's over...it's officially over. I can love and trust again.
I am me unguarded...jugular exposed...again. May the universe show me kindness. I could be hurt again, but life is not worth living, if you are not willing to take risks. I am diving into oblivion without a parachute.
I wonder if this old bird can remember how to fly. We shall see. The view from this cliff is amazing. It will take just a few steps to take the leap. ONE...TWO...THREE...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
dont feel so bad and much about the small things