Lots of randomness has been going through my head lately. I've been thinking about hell, or more to the point the lack there of. Thanking god for doctors becuase I have had a few people close to me in need of knowledgable people to help them. Children and the beauty of inocence. The tradgedy of it's loss, especially at the hands of others. I think I will type in a writing I did almost a year ago. It makes sense to me because I know the background and what is not written. However, if anyone is so inclined to comment that would be cool. It's a bit long, I'm not sure what I wanted to accomplish by writing it or if I will do anything with it. We'll see. Here it is:
P.S. I suck at typing and spelling. SO, please excuse the typos and spelling errors.
The pills sit on the counter taunting me. Begging me to ingest, swallow, intake. promising a restful sleep from which I wouldn't wake. Never revealing the truth of the vomitous wretching that would take its place instead. My hair matted with sweat and wet puke stuck to my cheek. All the pills coming back out laughing that I couldn't even do this deperate act right. If I couldn't even kill myself properly then how was I to ever live?
She woke at 6:00, made her bed, showered (using the shower head to both clense and masterbate), scrunched her long brown tangely curls, put on her make-up and cheerleading uniform. By 7:00 she was at school breakfast in hand (plain rice cake and Hawiian Punch juice box or black coffee depending on her mood) ready for zero hour history starting at 7:15.
She went to class to study world history, talk to her best friend Blaine, and try to get pumped up for the day. Blaine always had a smile and a hug and these brown eyes that looked at me as a puppy who looks for affection from a bipolar master.
By 8:10 the show begins. Walking from class with Blaine to the locker they share with 5 other friends she tenses to see what mood Neil, her boyfriend, is in, and to see what goodies Sid has to get her through the day. Usually just no doz, vivarine or some sort of innocuous item to pick up were the lack of food lets off. Sometimes there was a treat like pain pills from Sid's testicle surgery or valume from Neil's mom's medicine cabinet. It didn't matter if she was taken up or down by the miraculous capsules as long as she was taken somewhere. Then, before the first period tardy bell rang she would test the waters to see where Neil's mood stood. Was it OK to talk to Blaine today? receive his hugs? What about Sid? He posed less of a threat. Was he speed up already this morning, sniffing perpetually as someone with cronic allergies? And don't forget Janel. Where did we stand today? Was she getting enough attention or was she ready for a bitch fest since I had the captive audience of the 3 guys?
These scene was played out in a mere 10 min. To the untrained eye all of us were just exchanging high school pleasentries and getting our day started. All of us were vieing for position in our own little hierarchial kingdom of depression, drugs and suicide pacts.
Bell rings, time for trigonometry.
She was always petite, nonassuming and weary of strangers. A bout of meningitis had set her stature and given her poor health since early infantsey. Her naturel shyness and propensity toward depression and social anxiety had kept her a bit introverted. And episodes with a handsy babysitter had taught her what the male and female body were for.
P.S. I suck at typing and spelling. SO, please excuse the typos and spelling errors.
The pills sit on the counter taunting me. Begging me to ingest, swallow, intake. promising a restful sleep from which I wouldn't wake. Never revealing the truth of the vomitous wretching that would take its place instead. My hair matted with sweat and wet puke stuck to my cheek. All the pills coming back out laughing that I couldn't even do this deperate act right. If I couldn't even kill myself properly then how was I to ever live?
She woke at 6:00, made her bed, showered (using the shower head to both clense and masterbate), scrunched her long brown tangely curls, put on her make-up and cheerleading uniform. By 7:00 she was at school breakfast in hand (plain rice cake and Hawiian Punch juice box or black coffee depending on her mood) ready for zero hour history starting at 7:15.
She went to class to study world history, talk to her best friend Blaine, and try to get pumped up for the day. Blaine always had a smile and a hug and these brown eyes that looked at me as a puppy who looks for affection from a bipolar master.
By 8:10 the show begins. Walking from class with Blaine to the locker they share with 5 other friends she tenses to see what mood Neil, her boyfriend, is in, and to see what goodies Sid has to get her through the day. Usually just no doz, vivarine or some sort of innocuous item to pick up were the lack of food lets off. Sometimes there was a treat like pain pills from Sid's testicle surgery or valume from Neil's mom's medicine cabinet. It didn't matter if she was taken up or down by the miraculous capsules as long as she was taken somewhere. Then, before the first period tardy bell rang she would test the waters to see where Neil's mood stood. Was it OK to talk to Blaine today? receive his hugs? What about Sid? He posed less of a threat. Was he speed up already this morning, sniffing perpetually as someone with cronic allergies? And don't forget Janel. Where did we stand today? Was she getting enough attention or was she ready for a bitch fest since I had the captive audience of the 3 guys?
These scene was played out in a mere 10 min. To the untrained eye all of us were just exchanging high school pleasentries and getting our day started. All of us were vieing for position in our own little hierarchial kingdom of depression, drugs and suicide pacts.
Bell rings, time for trigonometry.
She was always petite, nonassuming and weary of strangers. A bout of meningitis had set her stature and given her poor health since early infantsey. Her naturel shyness and propensity toward depression and social anxiety had kept her a bit introverted. And episodes with a handsy babysitter had taught her what the male and female body were for.