elkaen

This is something new I am trying out. I have been wanting to write for a while and I tend to not edit so much when I type because I have to look at the keyboard instead of the writing, so maybe a more fluid stram will pour out. I can't spell and don't care to take the time to check or correct, so think hooked on phonics if a word doesn't look rigth.
I am stuck in suburban hell which is OK sometimes and sucks at other times. I wouldn't leave my girls or husband for anything but I think about what it would be like to start over and what I would do differently. I have a feeling my life wouold turn out the same over and over again. My family and societal agenda is too hard wirred into me. Go to college, get married, have kids. That's what I did and that's where i am. B (my husband) and I would live out of a van given the choice going eveywhere seeing everything, but instead we live in a little house in a little neighborhood in the god awful mid-west and try to be ok with it. B and I love our kids, they rock and I love B. It's just frustrating sometimes to look back on choices that could have been made differently. I'm sure all people feel that way with their life, but it feels like it is more true for me. B was an artist (still is, but was full time). i made him get a job before we got married doing something that wasn't all he wanted. Then we had our first little one and now he is stuck in this job. What if I would have let him be an artist, what is we would have not settled down so soon. What if we would have done all the traveling we want to do now? Would we be more content or would we be wishing and what iffing if we had settled and started a family?
My life doesn't suck. I have a awesome family, I just need an outlet for that side of me that likes to scream in my head. I have a friend I write to and that is awesome. He is an outlet for the screams. Once the weather is nice, B and I will be able to go and camp sans kids and that is an awesome outlet. I just need to find other ways too.
I really won't be so whiney and annoying in the future, this is just what is screaming aound my brain today.
What is your what if? Everyone has them and do you think anything would ultimately be different if you could go back and change things. There are several moments in my life that I know things would have been so different had I choosen a different path. I'll write about them later. The cool thing is to think about the concept in One by Richard Bach. All the choices in your life that you could have made, you did, and there is part of you living that choice out right now. There are thousands of you living parallel lives right now and making all the decisions you wish you had. You are in this life as a concious choice because this is where you want to be. So, apparently, I enjoy suburbia, with my kids, B, my cats, house, etc.