Again, I ask, what are the testimonials for? I don't get it.
I dreamed it was the end of the world. I was with my stepdad and Jenn (my sister), looking out a window from the darkened living room we were sitting in. Black clouds rolled in--too much, too fast, too dramatic to be natural. I tried to call Jenn and stepdad to look, but they were disinterested, had gone to bed, and I knew something was so wrong even before feeling the strange pull, the spinning-too-fast.
And when the smoke and clouds cleared, in the blackness I saw glittering city lights where there had been none before, and realized the Earth had started spinning too fast, and cities and been pulled closer to each other, been jumbled, and of course the city lights make no sense because the electricity would be the first to go. But dreams never have the cold logic of waking, and I don't know about you, but my waking life is far from logical anyway.
I understood it was the end of the world, and was dimly, vaguely aware somehow, like the knowledge had just been dropped into my head, that it was the result of years of environmental abuse, that we had finally done it, this was the end (even in my dreams, I am a preachy asshole. The stuff that afterschool specials are made of).
And my heart was breaking, I felt this huge, terrible loss, like someone you love dying, and it was the worst feeling, watching, so helpless.
And then my mum and stepdad and I (Jenn was gone; she only ever puts in the briefest of guest appearances in my dreams, I guess before my brain figures out that she's dead in real life) were sitting a top a huge building, a skyscraper, in an empty hot tub, and we were all holding each other and crying, and having to say "shit, here we go again" and brace ourselves and hold on, when the earth shifted more. And everything was on fire. It was the end of the world.
And I woke up, and I am happy the world is not ending. At least, probably not today. But I have this crazy emotional hangover where I feel sad--like really sad--for no reason at all, really. My boyfriend was going to cook me dinner tonight, and we were going to spend the night together, and he's cancelled. Because a friend of his is very upset and needs him. A perfectly reasonable, admirable reason. I like him better for it. But at the same time, I'm all disappointed, and it just put me in a weird mood, and now I'm listening to "the Only Living Boy in New York" and crying. This is what happens when my vagina bleeds; I never get bitchy, like sitcom stereotype PMS, but I DO get irrationally emotional. Insane, even.
Secretly, though, I sometimes love feeling this way. I love just embracing drama and having a good cry and listening to soppy music, and looking at pictures and crying for my lost youth, and eating a ton of ben and jerry's or smoking a half pack of cigarettes or drinking a bottle of wine. I do enjoy a good wallow. That's the problem with me. Even at my bluest, blackest, deepest ouchies, my cheerfulness and humour usually wreck it before long. Hmph.
I dreamed it was the end of the world. I was with my stepdad and Jenn (my sister), looking out a window from the darkened living room we were sitting in. Black clouds rolled in--too much, too fast, too dramatic to be natural. I tried to call Jenn and stepdad to look, but they were disinterested, had gone to bed, and I knew something was so wrong even before feeling the strange pull, the spinning-too-fast.
And when the smoke and clouds cleared, in the blackness I saw glittering city lights where there had been none before, and realized the Earth had started spinning too fast, and cities and been pulled closer to each other, been jumbled, and of course the city lights make no sense because the electricity would be the first to go. But dreams never have the cold logic of waking, and I don't know about you, but my waking life is far from logical anyway.
I understood it was the end of the world, and was dimly, vaguely aware somehow, like the knowledge had just been dropped into my head, that it was the result of years of environmental abuse, that we had finally done it, this was the end (even in my dreams, I am a preachy asshole. The stuff that afterschool specials are made of).
And my heart was breaking, I felt this huge, terrible loss, like someone you love dying, and it was the worst feeling, watching, so helpless.
And then my mum and stepdad and I (Jenn was gone; she only ever puts in the briefest of guest appearances in my dreams, I guess before my brain figures out that she's dead in real life) were sitting a top a huge building, a skyscraper, in an empty hot tub, and we were all holding each other and crying, and having to say "shit, here we go again" and brace ourselves and hold on, when the earth shifted more. And everything was on fire. It was the end of the world.
And I woke up, and I am happy the world is not ending. At least, probably not today. But I have this crazy emotional hangover where I feel sad--like really sad--for no reason at all, really. My boyfriend was going to cook me dinner tonight, and we were going to spend the night together, and he's cancelled. Because a friend of his is very upset and needs him. A perfectly reasonable, admirable reason. I like him better for it. But at the same time, I'm all disappointed, and it just put me in a weird mood, and now I'm listening to "the Only Living Boy in New York" and crying. This is what happens when my vagina bleeds; I never get bitchy, like sitcom stereotype PMS, but I DO get irrationally emotional. Insane, even.
Secretly, though, I sometimes love feeling this way. I love just embracing drama and having a good cry and listening to soppy music, and looking at pictures and crying for my lost youth, and eating a ton of ben and jerry's or smoking a half pack of cigarettes or drinking a bottle of wine. I do enjoy a good wallow. That's the problem with me. Even at my bluest, blackest, deepest ouchies, my cheerfulness and humour usually wreck it before long. Hmph.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Dreaming of the Apocalypse, eh? You and William Blake.
Thank you so much for the kind birthday wishes, lovely girl.
May your future dreams be of a more pleasant nature.